LAMENTATIONS FROM BURNOUT

A man lost in time, living in the past, just secretly hoping and waiting that one day he will find acceptance in a society that is constantly evolving. It used to be about finding the perfect connection with someone, but then the passion died and along with it the dignity and essence of time. Nothing was precious, but rather a regimented and almost fully controlled principles and responsibilities that had to be done, the element of choice brutally robbed from you, and all you wonder is how?

It has been barely two weeks since I noticed a sense of unrgency overwhelm my mind, the need to finish, the need to stay ahead, the need to be the best, the need to be like God. But I am not in disarray, I know what I have to do, I know my purpose, it is just a confusion of the mind. The dream and the reality intertwined in a dance that makes your heart thump faster and harder as the days keep passing.

I still think of women, but not as I used to but rather on a human level than the pedestal which I conveniently placed them on. The sense of deep emotion for them is gone and behind the masks their mortality revealed, and with that a sense of irritation and sadness due to the fact that I had not known this before. Heart that was stoned so that others may be safe from me, denied the comfort of a decent conversation. God’s gift of divine loneliness, only in isolation I find peace, a sense of logic and reason away from emotions and the actors on stage.

I am a vagabond, like the Vagus Nerve I travel to many places not following the order subjected to me but rather exciting anything that comes in my way, I have no conscience to the repercussions of my actions and this itself enables me to do whatever I need to do and whatever there is to do, hence I apologize all the time, only to prevent the masses saying that I did not, which makes my moral more complicated each day. The need to explore other possibilities in life starts to emerge, and then subconsciously it molds you with its experiences, making you a better person.

I am who I am, but every day I find the need to be patient, kind, and understanding. But even if I am labelled as a thief, hater, or general bad guy, my only hope is that one day I will be able to help those in need even as a f***er. Some may say that I walk the path of ungodliness; no doubt I carry the burden of my disappointments and regrets, but when kingdom come, I pray that only God will be my judge.

Lastly,

from William Ernest Henley

I am the master of my Fate,

I am the captain of my Soul.