Soundtrack to an affair

My husband of seven years, partner for eleven and best friend for fourteen is having an affair.

His ‘thing’ is music. He professes to be deep and edgy and scoffs at all things mainstream. What better way therefore to gain an insight into his affair than his ‘recently played’ list. I have had no apology, no explanation and no contact regarding his infidelity since he left. This is my insight and oh how revealing it has been. Not least for the insight into how he really feels about her. The girl (not woman) he left me for. Let’s call her Stella.

The most played album is Joy Division- Unknown pleasures. Pretty standard, predictable. Surprising really given he’s so edgy but then fits with the ‘deep’. Predictable given his predisposition to air on the side of melancholy.

The most played song- The Amazons-in my mind. Hmm, so the general take home message from this is he kind of wants her (Stella) probably for the sex but ultimately he knows she’s not the one for him and he’s scared to be alone but doesn’t want her. Poor girl. Poor him. From this and other songs it is apparent he is regretting his choice in leaving partner. I and my friends/family were surprised by his choice too. Even his own friends have passed comment on his downward plunge from me to her. For him though to be making this discovery so early, it’s less than ten weeks since he left… oh dear.

Now the next one. Wow. Now this made me feel good. I know him and I know he’ll be regretting what he has done but to this extent so quickly? The vaccines-post breakup sex.

I feel a tad disappointed it’s not been more a fulfilling experience for him. Surely sex with an affair partner should be the exciting part, the good bit? Not the bit that leaves you feeling sick and twice as bad about yourself. Although saying that, having seen a recent picture of her (bad hair, acne, decidedly larger than is healthy for a woman, sorry girl) I can see why he may be regretting his choice. Or as the lyrics suggest ‘I found you in the nearest room’ so not really a choice. He also told me on the night he revealed the affair that she was just there, convenient and available. Ha! What a complement.

You may be reading this wondering what the point is. It’s a process. For example, post break-up sex- makes me feel better. Richard Hawley Serious and Valentine played in the early hours of the morning while she was in his bed- devastating.

There are many songs he has played since he decided to leave me and his daughter. Too many to delve into. I may explore these further later. Some show he’s hurting, he misses me, he plays songs once chosen by him for my own playlist. Some are songs she has sent him. Obscure ones wreaking of desperation to show him she is fun and uncomplicated and out for a good time. The reality is they will be engaged by Christmas, a baby on the way by their first anniversary. How do I know? He is weak and she has pursued a married man with a child. You don’t do that for the laughs or just for a good time. She has an agenda.

What she doesn’t know is, when he’s professing his love for her via the medium of some song from a ‘cool’ looking album or artist. He’s done it all before. With me. He was obsessed with me for three years before we got together. He falls hard and fast. My only wish is he’d chosen someone more on par with me. She is just embarrassing both physically and morally. She also cares what I think. How do I know? She changed her profile picture on Facebook to one she thinks she looks good in but it’s as horrific as the rest. I’m glad she cares. My message to her, keep enjoying the lyrics he sends you my love, it won’t last. He’s already doubting and regretting.

I was once his playlist muse… and look what he did to me.

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