TRIFLE {-lings}

SPECTRE : My 7 point trifles.

I like the James Bond movies, I really do; and I enjoyed Spectre, the 24th and potentially final Daniel Craig led film in the franchise.

BUT, I didn’t love it like the British media insisted on convincing me that I did, before I had a chance to see it. Even in light of its questionable, controversial and downright offensive beginnings, Ian Fleming created at best a character akin to the American Cowboy. Someone for the oft-passive and repressed Brits to get behind, make them feel patriotic and better about the dissipating empire.

However, I’m not here to discuss the problematic mainstay regarding infantalisation, absurdly championed and coveted role of the ‘Bond girl’; I’m not here to weigh up the pros and cons of Bond from the 1950s to the now. I will not discuss whether or not the franchise has gone to great lengths to adapt and evolve to suit audiences tastes, mindsets or reflect socio-economic sensitivities (it doesn’t).

No, I’ll leave all that to the many, more coherent, well researched articles that you can find on the internet… by yourself.

I am here to talk real talk about 7 frivolities that may have gone unnoticed by the many (and perhaps more sane average audience) but made me, a serial concentration procrastinator and arbitrary offender, raise both brows and roll my eyes back, sideways and to next Tuesday.

****SPOILER ALERT**** after the jump!

SIDE NOTE: Pre-empting your need for images : this is my first Medium post, and i have no clue how to add images and gifs yet.

  1. NARCOS LADY, A.K.A Valeria Vélez is also now A.K.A that woman who wanted to bang Bond in the opening (and awesome) DoTD Mexico City scene. Have they already pigeonholed Stephanie Sigman? My extensive googling has told me NO, she’s beyond the sexy side-piece role. NEXT.
  2. The Great Lie that was Monica Bellucci all over the promo pre and post shooting Spectre, as an age barrier breaking, pioneering ‘Bond girl’ — actually she called it and demanded to be a Bond Woman — but whatever Bellucci, you’re in it for what, two minutes?. TWO MINUTES. I feel/felt cheated by all the hoo ha you lead me to believe you were going to be relevant.
  3. Léa Seydoux, as Madeleine Swann *eyeroll*, God love Seydoux, she is a beautiful and extremely versatile actress but she has fallen foul to the Bond Girl curse, and dare I say — it’s worse than her predecessors. Ok yes, at most they’d drop their knickers for Bond within seconds and had stupid names verging on the bizarre to ludicrous, but were they always reduced to dialogue more befitting a fickle toddler in the back of a prius, on a very long car journey? “What is that?” she cries as a car comes towards her and Bond in the desert. IT’S A CAR MADELEINE, clearly. “Who are you! where are we going?!” That man who has just kidnapped you, yeah, he’s not going to tell you shit, Madeleine. So pipe down. “I love you” — that last part she legit uttered into Bonds ear only after two maybe three days she’d spent with him, one and a half of those days were spent hating him. “I can’t do this anymore James” or something to that effect — uttered the day after she told him she loved him. She was back riding off into the sunset, in his Aston Martin by the next day. They always leave you Bond, but don’t lose sleep over this one.
  4. WHERE ARE YOUR SOCKS CHRISTOPH WALTZ?! — why so much skin down there CHRISTOPH SPECTRE BLOFELD WALTZ? The naked ankles and trousers “Mankletrend, is one I’m still waiting to die. Along with those suspicious beards (what are you hiding Men?) and Sliders. Say what you will about the villainous Blofeld, Christoph Waltz doesn’t deserve this.
  5. Who hurt you baby? — I am referring, of course, to the Bond producers and writers who cleared such a WEAK plot. Am I supposed to believe that all the other villains have been leading up to this point? THIS?? A MAN WITH AN OCTOPUS FOR AN EMBLEM AND AN OBSESSION FOR VOYEURISM? He has nothing on that Sea Witch, Ursula — she at least stole Ariels voice, turned herself into a hot suitor for Prince Eric and could sing a belter. I mean fair play to the homages to previous Bond villains in the 24 film history — the white pussy, the severed eye, the large hench Jaws-like assassin, the implementation and remix of some of the franchise's most iconic dialogues and more that I missed, im sure — still Spectre relied on the plot of a series of so-so films to convince us that the villain in this plot: is, like, super-super bad okay? OK.
  6. Wait, Rory Kinnear was in this film?
  7. Daniel Craig. James. Bond. 007. I like you, I do. But Ralph Fiennes as M totally owned this film and he was in it for like 30 minutes (if that) on the whole…

Spectre is fun. This piece is in jest. Like all Bond films you can’t take any of it seriously, but this one is a particular riot.