When I don’t Understand

There are two of me. There are two different sides to the same person. There may be more, I don’t know. Every day, every decision is a choice, a struggle.

I became a Christian when I was 17. I’m not talking about the everyday I go to church in the morning and get drunk at night with my racist family while living with my boyfriend type of “christian,” although that is how I grew up. I’m talking about full on, I dropped out of college to do four years of mission work, committed and in love with Jesus. God changed my life, my values, my beliefs, my moral, everything was different! And yet here I am struggling with anxiety, depression, sex, self mutilation, pride, shame, guilt.

I realize there are many out there that struggle with the same things I do, Christian or not. I am so utterly sick of doing the up and down and back and forth of trying to decide which side of me I should live my life through: the worldly millennial who has been trained to cut off all emotion or the devote Christian completely sold out for her God.

I suppose my goal is to try and figure this out, to retrace everything and analyze my life. To figure out in what areas I am broken and to understand myself, and subsequently, others who may be walking through the same things as me.