“You’re okay, right?”
How many times have you been asked that question? The problem with that sentence isn’t the fact that someone is asking if you’re okay, the problem lies with that little word sitting at the end of the question.
“Right?”
Right. Because that word creates an expectation. Even though they’re asking if you’re okay, they don’t really want you to say anything other than the answer they want to hear, which is yes.
“Yes, I’m okay.”
“Yes, I’m fine.”
That word on the end means that the person who asked that question really isn’t prepared for any answer other than yes. They want you to be fine. They don’t want to be pulled into whatever web is being woven inside your brain right now. They just want the peace of mind that they checked on you and you said you were okay. They want to feel decent about themselves and hold onto that knowledge that they asked. Even if something happens, they at least cared enough to ask.
The thing is, people with mental health struggles already feel like a burden to those around them. They already feel like they are a weight to be carried. Asking them if they are okay with no real preparation for what might happen if they say no only makes it harder on them. They feel that strain in your voice when you add “right” to the end of that sentence. They feel the tension you exude as you wait for them to respond. All those things only make them feel more like a burden, further prompting the simple yes you were hoping to hear anyway.
But what about when someone really isn’t okay? What about when someone is reaching their breaking point and the only thing in the world they’re hoping for is one person to ask them if they’re okay and actually care enough to listen to the answer that follows?
Mental health is a struggle, and not a small one either. So many people feel as if just because an illness can’t be seen, it can’t exist. But mental illness is just as real as the chair I’m sitting on right now. It’s just as real as the finger you’re more than likely using to balance your phone while you read this. Mental illness is real and although we have made strides in making those who struggle with it feel more open about admittance, we still have a long way to go.
If you met someone with cancer, would you brush of the symptoms they told you they were experiencing? Would you scoff at them and make them feel like you didn’t really care as they explained how chemo was causing their hair to fall out all while you’re looking at their increasingly balding head? Of course not. So why do we treat diseases with less noticeable physical symptoms differently? Why when someone who struggles with anxiety bites the skin off their lips do we tell them things like “just relax” “it’s okay” “you’re freaking out over nothing”?
Is it because the physical symptoms that come with mental illness are typically able to be controlled? At least in some people’s opinions? Because a cancer patient can’t help that their hair is falling out but someone who is anxiety ridden can just… stop picking their skin?
It’s not fair to belittle a symptom simply because you don’t feel it is valid or you feel it can be controlled. It’s part of the reason people with mental illnesses don’t speak up, because people don’t take them seriously. People want to think mental illness can be controlled or chosen when the hard truth is that it can’t. As someone who personally struggles with anxiety, I can tell you it is not a choice. No one wants to feel like people are out to get them, or that no one in the world truly cares. No one wants to feel like they are a burden and their loved ones would be better off without them. No one wants to stop enjoying things in life simply because their brain tells them they shouldn’t. I promise you people with a mental illness want nothing more than for it to go away, just as a cancer patient wishes to be cured.
What we need is understanding and awareness.
Has your friend seemed off lately? Has a family member been more irritable or less willing to do things you know they love? Check on them. Ask them, “are you okay?”. Do not add that awful word on the end. Ask with love and genuine concern. Let them know you’re there, you are willing to listen, to help. Even if what they tell you seems like something you couldn’t understand, still listen. Make suggestions on what they can do to get help if they need it. Be an ear for them. You have no idea the impact you could make. We all need to start treating mental health with the seriousness it deserves.
