I get that the world is changing with technology and all, but I’ll never apologize for my zest for real books. Kindle? Krap! iPad? iPuke! Audible? Awful-ible! Where’s the lush paper? Where’s the beautiful dust jacket? Ebooks aren’t even real books! Physical books are an EXPERIENCE, like a candlelit French dinner with wine and warm baguettes. But better.
Books are a conversation. I like underlining my favorite passages in blue ink and writing witty little margin notes where I imagine J.R.R. Tolkien and I are having a chat over tea. Then we take a romantic walk in the Misty Mountains with Bilbo Baggins! Sometimes I draw arrows pointing to a lovely phrase, or I draw a big sword next to a paragraph that EXCITES me. …
Picture of you giving a PowerPoint about wellness app installs: You will have a massive coronary after chugging fourteen cold brew coffees.
Selfie of you in front of a bunch of books you haven’t read: You will crash a waterski into a half-day rental yacht.
Picture of you holding court in a circle of Boss Babes: You will fall out of a ski lift while buzzed on white wine.
Brand logo of an MLM skincare products company: You will crash your Toyota Highlander into a TGI Fridays.
Brand logo of an MLM essential oils company: You will crash a Winnebago into a cupcake store after arguing with the manager about the validity of a BOGO coupon. …
Writing is rewriting.
Writing is rewriting vague, unhelpful sentences into extraordinary ones.
Writing, ah, writing! ’Tis a most delicious alchemy! A breathtaking transmutation of the tedious into the sublime! A kaleidoscopic dance between words and our very souls! Above all, ’tis about clarity and simplicity. Cut that fluff! Do you disagree? That wouldn’t be wise.
Writing, when you get down to the bones of it, is nothing more than thinking on paper. Keep it simple, stupid. Trust your gut. Follow your bliss. Live, Laugh, Love. Avoid clichés. Ah, but what if your thoughts aren’t original? Then don’t write them down! …
I survey the gym equipment like a sculptor with his chisels before a block of granite…
Cardio machines: worthless.
Leg press: irrelevant.
Foam roller: pathetic.
Olympic lifting platform: intriguing… BUT NO!
My path is clear. I am here to do Biceps.
There they are, the dumbbells! I sprint for them.
It is time to curl, baby.
I do the concentration curls.
I do seated inclined dumbbell curls AND lying declined dumbbell curls.
I do my curls spider-style, the Zottman, and kneeling single-arm.
Biceps! Biceps!! Biceps!!!
I do a single pull-up but I feel some engagement in my lats, so I stop. …
I’m just lying here in bed, thinking about not sleeping. Right on schedule. Since I know this always happens, could I have prevented it? Do I have ownership over my own thoughts? Let’s table that issue. Tonight’s disaster begins now.
Earlier today, when I told David, “Can’t wait for my vacation!” he probably thought that means I hate working for him at BubbleApp. He smiled and replied, “I’ll bet! Big Bend is lovely. Have fun!” But a person can use their visible enthusiasm as a thin veil for disappointment and contempt. …
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When you’re young like me, you appreciate the big things in life. Lit parties. Your fam. Bangin’ a hottie. It’s hard to explain. It’s just different when you’re young.
Nothing hurts. My back feels great. My knees work perfectly. I can run up and down stairs for hours. I spring out of bed each day feeling awesome. Being young slays.
Life, to me, is like a fine White Claw: tasty for a sec, then you grab another. Keep going till you’re all fucked up.
I’m so young, I remember Minecraft. I remember Gangnam Style. I even remember Harambe. But not Nirvana, Seinfeld, or 9/11. …
A huge secret to being a successful person who doesn’t get viciously attacked by bears on a daily basis is that it’s just as much about what you DON’T DO as what you do. Here are the three worst habits that you should give up today to stop the bear attacks.
1. Give up coating your naked body in raw honey and streaking through the wildest regions of Tongass National Forest, Alaska.
Look, we’ve all been there. In a weak moment, you grab a golden-amber jar of thick, raw, leatherwood honey, nestled right there inside your rucksack. You fondle that honey like a jewel thief caressing the Hope Diamond while fantasizing about all the delicious bears you’ll attract when they smell that sweet, smokin’ hot leatherwood honey. …
Dear Friends and Family,
Big news! I’m excited to announce that I have quit my job to become a successful, highly-paid writer.
Although my marketing career gave me a nice salary and global influence in the nutritional supplements market, it tapped only 0.01% of my true creativity. Yet when I carefully fantasized about my new writing life, the benefits were clear:
1. Flexible hours — I hate mornings, and now I’ll never work them, as I will be on “writer’s hours.”
2. Each book I write keeps selling copies and making money forever.
3. I can write about whatever I want, whenever I want, and my adoring fans will obsess over my ideas and make me into a GIF on Twitter, just like Kurt Vonnegut. …
The 2020 Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge has ended! You can read all the winning entries here.
Slackjaw is Medium’s most-read humor publication — with more than 107,000 followers — and we want your funny writing! We also want to support humor writers, and aspiring writers, everywhere.
Our 2019 Humor Writing Challenge was a big success, with 380 people completing the Challenge. So we’ve decided to bring it back for 2020.
Challenges need awesome prizes, and we’ve got more than $2,450 in cash prizes for the winners, plus the chance to get your work in front of our judging panel of comedy writers for NBC, The Onion, and The New Yorker. …