PARENTING — THE MIND OF THE 5-YEAR-OLD’S DAD
Our son is 5. I love him very much. These are the thoughts I had after spending the day with him:
I love our little boy so much. I want to spend 23 hours and 59 minutes a day with him. And, one minute a day, I want him to go in the other room and not say or do a damn thing.
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,” and our 5-year-old decided he wanted to go down both, but first he took about an hour to decide. Then we went down the one and walked all the way back up and went down the other. Then, he asked me why there wasn’t a third road. Then he got cranky and had a tantrum because he was tired and hadn’t eaten. Then I had to put him on my shoulders and walk him back home carrying him like that, even though I was tired and hadn’t eaten. And, then we got home and had to watch cartoons I couldn’t bear to watch. Thanks. Thanks very much Robert Frost . . . you dick.
It turns out that Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hours doesn’t apply to parenting because the person you’re trying to master is busy doing his own 10,000 hours on how not to listen to you.
Parenting means saying: “what’d I just say?” at least 4 times per hour.
Parenting is the ultimate cure for free time.
If I’m being honest, basically the only time I don’t love parenting is when someone (specifically our 5-year-old) realizes — when we’re in the middle of nowhere — that all of a sudden he really has to go to the bathroom.
Yeah, okay, I’ll admit it — I plan activities for our 5-year-old, that I claim are “fun” but are specifically designed to wear him out.
Years from now, when our 5-year-old is grown and asks what I did to combat Climate Change I will proudly say: “Why do you think we lived in a tiny hovel? Why no car? Why didn’t we take vacations? Yes, because we had no money. Fine. If you want to be all literal about it. But, there was also the ‘doing-good’ thing. That was there. Not, like ‘on-purpose, on-purpose’ but it was part of the mix. Sure.”
Am I jealous of our 5-year-old son? You bet I am. I want to wear a hoodie with the Batman logo on it and cry in public just because I’m hungry and not feel at all self-conscious.
Coffee doesn’t make me a better dad, but it stops me from being a worse one.
Parenting is just geopolitical diplomacy, and our 5-year-old is a rogue nation-state. He pockets concessions and still does what he wants.
Honestly, we get so psyched when our toddler eats vegetables, I’m tempted to make an ESPN plays of the day highlight reel of each time he does it.
