The Senate GOP Healthcare Bill: Analysis

Finally, the Senate GOP has released its top-secret healthcare bill, a bill so secret its contents were more closely guarded than those of Area 51.

Now, however, with the release, the contents have been opened up to scrutiny, so that they can be pored over and debated (albeit for only the 60 seconds alloted by Mitch McConnell before he rams it through a wholly-GOP “yes” vote in a maneuver so forceful and painful GOP Senators will need a collective epidural).

Upon review, there are a couple of major themes and consequences of this bill:

First, it’s great for people who never get sick or injured, never get born or die, and never give birth. In other words, mannequins.

Second, it will definitely help end poverty in that it doesn’t so much transfer wealth from poor to rich so much as it snatches the money out of poor people’s hands (which are gnarled and weakened from having to cling desperately to the lowest rung on the acidic socioeconomic ladder of our society), places it into bundles, and drops it into the laps of the wealthy (who don’t notice the money because they’re too busy counting their other money) (Note: as an aside, counting to a billion takes a lot of time, even if you do it by just totaling up how many homes, cars, yachts, businesses, and people you own). Accordingly, we will no longer have poor people in this country. We will simply have the “haves” and the destitute

Third, it will definitely make the United States a more dynamic society, because after it’s the law of the land, anyone who is fat, sick, weak, infirm or old will not be able to afford or obtain the healthcare necessary to survive. Accordingly, all that will be left in America will be the fabulously healthy. Overnight, we will go from the fattest nation on the planet to a nation of people all of whom look like they should be on Baywatch.

Fourth, it will relieve the Koch Brothers of the tiresome task of carping about Obama and Obamacare and allow them to refocus their efforts on more important things, such as convincing politicians that Climate Change is a hoax, that temperature fluctuates all the time, and that, in any event, it’ll be nice to be able to take a Caribbean or Norwegian Cruise through the Arctic, now that all that pesky ice at the Pole will be gone.

Fifth, it will free us up to focus on bigger stories, like whether it’s obstruction of justice if the President obstructs justice on a daily basis, and his people work overtime in an effort to pretend that’s not happening.

Sixth, it will allow Mitch McConnell to get back to his real job, overseeing the Underworld.

Seventh, it will demonstrate to the World that the United States is determined to protect its rich people at all costs because they are weak and enfeebled and without means and . . . . (well you tell me why we have to protect people who collectively own more capital and resources than 99% of the rest of the World).

Eighth, it will cement MSNBC’s ascendancy in the ratings, as liberals and progressives tune in each night to Chris, Rachel and Lawrence to hear yet another story about why Trump’s meshugge, McConnell is more evil than all of Batman’s arch-villain enemies, and the world is in the grips of a vast right-wing conspiracy (which Hillary Clinton accurately predicted two decades ago).

Ninth, it will assist greatly in keeping the late-night talk/comedy shows relevant and entertaining as night after night, Seth, the Jimmys, James, Conan, Trevor and Stephen will have ample fodder for monologues that begin “Knock-knock. Who’s there? Not healthcare. Not healthcare who? No, that’s the thing. There’s just no healthcare.”

Tenth, and last, it will take the pressure of the ownership of the NY Knicks, who can rest easy knowing that they’re just screwing their fans and the people of NY, while the GOP is f*cking the entire country.

Happy Healthcare Bill everyone!