Taking a Vacation From Work

I’m on vacation right now. It’s about 60F, Sunny, my friend isn’t up yet, and it’s giving me anxiety that I haven’t been able to get on a stable Wi-Fi network to finish up my work from last week.

Part of this stems from the fact that I do not want to leave any loose strings for my boss to work through — it’s been a crazy project and I want him to be able to cruise through the week.

The other part of it is that, for me, I love my work, take a lot of pride in it, and am a bit of a workaholic. It doesn’t mean that I can’t put down my work, but more that I work long hours & see nothing wrong with it. In many ways, I ❤ it but I hate myself for these tendencies.

I want to do it RIGHT — and I’ve been fucked over enough that it makes me paranoid to leave any dangling strings. What makes this whole thing insane is that this is work me taking over. My wife can tell you — home me is not this insane. It’d be tempting to blame Manhattan or the Tech industry — but I think it’s mostly me and my personality. It’s not that I find this kind of thing fun — but more that it nags at me if I feel like I didn’t get it to the right state.

16 year old me would be laughing right now. If anything — I had opposite tendencies when I was a kid. I left a LOT of things untended and dangling — maybe I didn’t care; I probably did care and had a hard time following through on things.

29 year old (almost) me is different. I’ve been laid off (never fired), been verbally chewed out, and seen/felt the effects of someone leaving things for me to do. Needless to say — I didn’t love it. It could be that THIS is what pushes me to disregard my vacation time — I want to get it right and there’s never enough time to get it done….except when you’re not expected to be working.

Adding another level to this insanity is that I’d NEVER expect this kind of thing from my employees. I’ve got about 10 guys working for me and when they’re on vacation they’re ON vacation. I don’t email them, I don’t ask them to do anything, and I never will. It’s fucked up — right?

Anyway — I’ve gotten better with my work/life habit balance. I take time away from my phone, away from work. Not as much as I should — but I’m getting 1% better each day and that’s about all I can ask for.

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