“Everyone Should Release Their Tax Returns Except for Me” by Bernie

During the 2016 Democratic Primary, I did the nation a public service by constantly bringing up Hillary Clinton’s obscene personal fortune, which she made from giving paid speeches and publishing best sellers. We know about this fortune because of Hillary’s voluminous tax returns, which everyone got to read, along with all of her emails and her diaries and the diaries of her dead friends and her laundry lists from 1972 and basically every single other private thing she’s ever written. And thank god I made a big stink about the Clinton’s fortune, because I woke everyone up! I started the Revolution against politicians making money! Politicians should not make money, they should live like monks in caves, like that saint with all the animals, what’s his name. Because I’m not just starting a Revolution, I’m starting a Religion, a Reform Movement, like when that guy nailed his ten point plan to the church door. I’m like that guy.

And thank Trotsky I did, because white working class voters (or “the voters,” as I call them. Because really, are there any other voters?) White working class voters woke up from their long sleep and realized that we have to get money out of politician’s bank accounts! That’s where all our money has gone! Because, my god, did you know that Barack Obama has a bank account? And Hillary has a bank account IN HER OWN NAME. I mean, when did that happen? What’s next? Are we going to give pigs bank accounts next? And that’s why the voters voted for Donald Trump! Because rich people are the problem in this country, unless of course, that rich person is me. You see, I’m different from the other politicians, because my job is to point out the failings of others. People say, “be the change you want to see in the world,” but I say “bully other people into being the change you want to see in the world, but don’t do it yourself, because that would mean giving up your vacation home.”

So where are the rest of my tax returns? People think they are in a shoe box under my bed, but those people are idiots, because obviously I haven’t been paying taxes. Please. Do you really think I’m going to give my hard earned government salary back to the government so they can use it to pay for bombs and stuff? A real revolutionary doesn’t pay taxes, that’s for hacks and suckers like the Clintons. And you know what? That’s why Trump and I were the big winners of 2016. Because if there’s one thing the voters hate, it’s people who pay their taxes. So there. Oh, and please buy the best seller I wrote 2 days after I lost the primary, because my vacation home needs a new kitchen. Jane hates the linoleum. She wants to put in something called “radiant heat tiles.” Go figure. Women.