My first Confusion

I don’t know if it’s only me that sees the world this way. To want something so bad but you can’t reach it. The harder I try, the harder I fight, the more improbable it seems.

I’m 25. For a long time I’ve been like a sail boat with lots of wind, but no destination. I’ve wondered, endlessly, with chance. The more I try and manipulate it, the more unlikely it seems. I guess it’s the yearning for journey within me. I just don’t know. Being around for 25 years in this Universe is not a long time, and it’ll take longer than my lifetime to truly understand what is really going on.

Why. I don’t want to sound smart or try seem intelligent by talking about abstract things as if I understand these concepts, because I really don’t. It’s hard to admit, but I just can’t find truth. For example reality, there is an infinite amount of possibilities for the reality we experience. I think therefore I am? Why do we think? Purpose, meaning, bias, infinity, the brain, relativity and everything else. Why.

True. We could say that we can search for the truth and find the answers. Maybe one day we will, I’m optimistic. I like to think about these things, but how many go through life assuming what is, is what should be. We each experience life on the same planet, with the same general tools. By tools I mean brain, and the rest of the cognitive abilities that come along with that. Yet each would argue that their experience of life is unique.

I’ve tried to start companies. I’ll admit it was to make lots of money, mostly. In the beginning I mentioned that I tried to manipulate chance. That’s what excites me. The thrill of starting something and changing, in some way, the putty that we call reality. Chasing money has soured it for me. I create for the sake of creating, that’s what I love. I’ve failed, and tried but not yet succeeded.

Love. That word, there’s not enough space on the internet to talk about it, try explain it or even just comprehend what it truly is. Maybe that’s a bit much, I mean I have had encounters with it before. It has come and gone without warning, and I should at least know something about it. Well, it feels good, that much I can say. It can move a human being to action extremely well. But it can hurt.

Infinity. This concept has grappled with the synapses of my brain for so long. I can’t fathom it. Here are some of my thoughts on it. It doesn’t exist, and it does exist. In some contexts it definitely exists and in some not. Trying to simulate it is futile, there needs to be another way to dissect it. To have something collapse to one reality, I.e experiencing one event, out of an infinite amount of possible events, is mind altering. Probability is a way of expressing infinity.

I’m not a writer, so this article is just an experiment. Experiments are cool, and I’ve produced Hydrogen from saline solutions before. Learnt a lot, tried to save the world. Failed. Thought up systems to use Solar Energy on a macro scale. Tried to save the world. failed. Tried to invent a flying car, with the same emissions as a normal car. Failed. Built social Apps, Music Apps and game Apps to connect people. failed.

Tried to harness Mechanical Advantage to produce clean Energy and at the same time combat unemployment and promote good health. failed. Tried to build a system at macro scale that produces energy due to movement induced by the expansion and condensing of gas at different temperatures. failed. Tried to directly convert light into electrical energy. Still not sure if I failed.

Drones. Every conceivable application of drones, has simulated in my mind. A true love of mine. Tried to build one that protects humans from threats. failed. Wanted to build an underwater hotel. Never tried. Wanted to build a new type of engine that has an infinite closed loop. Not some infinite energy fantasy, but an engine that needs and energy input which then converts that energy into movement, in a closed loop. Basically create an unbalanced net force without any exhaust gasses from the engine. Runs on electricity and meant for space travel. Difficult.

Gyroscopes are awesome right? Wanted to use them to generate energy from sources of movement on earth. Never tried. Volcanoes, I know, they’re dangerous and unpredictable and super hot and eject deadly gasses. Yet, they can be used as Geo Thermal energy plants. There must be a way. Never tried. Acoustic fingerprinting and Segways. Unbelievable stuff.

The Stirling engine and vapor compression distillation systems. Ingenious. The rest of my ideas and experiments and inventions are in books, notepads and somewhere saved in the cloud. Not all try to save the world, but those that do are the one’s I’d pursue with the vigor and passion that is found when love is involved.

I’ll probably continue trying. Searching. Finding. Asking and seeking understanding. If you were blindfolded and placed inside a moving capsule, would you know you were moving? I don’t know whether I’ll be able to execute an idea successfully, for it is impossible to know which will be successful. But I am optimistic, and I’ll continue trying.

Perhaps one day.