Please Nintendo Bail Me Out Of Prison

Hey Nintendo. My name is Alex. I’m a big Poke’mon fan, just the biggest. Ever since 1998 when I bought my copy of Poke’mon Blue. I was in fifth grade and I remember having the time of my life — trading my Graveler so it evolves into a Golem, or trying to find someone willing to part with an extra Eevee for just the right deal! I won’t fill in all the boring parts in between then and now, but needless to say I still play Poke’mon, it’s hard to find a lot of adults who do. Now please answer my question, will Nintendo bail me out if I’m arrested for sneaking onto a playground and trying to find a kid to trade Poke’mon with?

No buffoon or creep am I, mind you! Who else has the most Poke’mon in a given location than a group of fifth graders at recess? I could just jump in with my 3DS and the latest copy of Poke’mon, in this case Poke’mon X, which I only say for our more layman readers to latch on to, and ask around who has a say — Yveltal they are just willing to part with. Sure, some of the kids are a little confused, but some are totally cool and very cool with doing this very cool thing. A Yveltal for a Xerneas, that’s just fair! Everyone understands this!

Or at least everyone should. Look, are the teachers at Lincoln Eliot School good people? Absolutely. But they are blind to my plight! Did I get heated? I suppouse so. But you get it, things are bound to get heated when something no less than Y-version exclusive Kabuto is on the line. Anyway, things got messy, a kid cried, I was given a very stern warning. I just want to know — will Nintendo bail me out if I this goes any more south.

It’s hard to find adults who play this thing! You think I want to be sneaking into playgrounds!? No! would much rather sneak into an office party or a car dealership. If I could sneak into an Office Depot and battle my Mega Mewtwo-X against a stranger’s Mega Mewtwo-Y, I absolutely would! I am trying to find solutions here.

Is it weird that I tried to befriend the kid with the most Poke’mon games (Mike Levine of Ms. Zuckerman’s homeroom)? I say no. That’s me trying to cut the weirndess and just trading Poke’mon with one kid. He’ll get the ones I need from the others. Plus he seemed okay with it but oh, his mom was outraged! And oh, the teachers were outraged, and oh, a lot of “don’t you dare come back” was shouted around. I’ll say this, better me, a completely normal person, doing this than some creep. Right?

I’m a good person and I hope Nintendo knows this.

Nintendo, I’ve bought every new Poke’mon game that’s come out in my lifetime. We’re talking core series. That’s a ridiculous five hundred dollars over the course of about 20 years. Wow! That is a dedicated and money bringing customer you just can’t lose. In fact that’s so much money I gave you guys that — I don’t know if I’ll be able to pay my bail. I checked if you’re allowed to have Poke’mon games in jail. This is a very dedicated player you’re losing here, and just ask World of Warcraft, when you lose Alex Firer of Oxnard, California — you lose what gave this video game heart and soul.

I have a lot of free time since I got laid off. You are losing a lot of Poke’mon man hours.

I’ll level with you. I’m going back to the schoolyard. I thought about it very hard, and I need that Dragalge. And look — I called all my friends. Tom didn’t have a Dragalge. Anna didn’t have a Dragalge. Leann didn’t have a Dragalge. Instead they were all adults with jobs. And that’s fine. But if I don’t find someone with a Dragalge then the one thing I’m passionate about will be incomplete. And yeah, I found adults with Poke’mon games too. They were all kind of weird about it. Not sure if that kind of thing is my scene.

So Nintendo, will your high powered Mario Money lawyers bail me out of prison if it all goes belly up this time around. Because I have to do this trade. I’m not even concerned. I just have to know what to expect.

Thank you, and I can’t wait to sneak onto a playground to trade in your upcoming Poke’mon: Sun and Moon version. If because of this I manage to go on a chase with the police, I beg you to lay spikes on the road behind me to aid my escape. Thank you.