Two lessons I learned from working with a team of psych majors

One of the fun facts about Budsies is that all employees (except me) are psych majors. The experience has fundamentally changed my worldview and thought processes. I thought I’d share my two big takeaways :)

Lesson 1: Learning Empathy

The most important lesson I’ve learned is empathy. To me, empathy is listening to someone and, catching myself before my innate reflex to evaluate the content kicks in. For a simple example, let’s say Frankie comes into the office and lets me know she’s feeling tired. My normal thought would have been the following:

1. Frankie is tired
2. Tired is not great for productivity, which is her primary goal of coming to the office
3. Tired is not great for general wellbeing
4. Frankie must not want to be tired
5. We must fix tired
6. “Frankie, let’s get you a cup of coffee”

Seems completely reasonable, right? It certainly did to me. After all, aren’t all problems meant to be fixed?

Let’s compare the same scenario above to what would happen if I walked into the office and told Frankie that I was tired:

1. Alex said he was tired
2. That means something is wrong
3. Maybe there is something I can help him with to make his day easier
4. “I’m sorry you’re tired, friend. Is everything OK?”

MIND BLOWN.

How Does It Work

I’ve learned that problems sometimes just need to be heard and accepted. Or, maybe they do need to be solved, but I need to give the attention and care to really understand them instead of making assumptions (and I should only step in if the person specifically asks for my help in solving them).

But the first step is to accept the other person’s feelings as real and valid. Regardless of whether I agree with those feelings, they are real to them. And this is the key differentiator between facts and feelings. If someone came to me and said the world was flat, I could prove that the world was in fact round. But if someone comes to me feeling upset or excited, I may not rationally understand why the person feels that way, because ultimately, I am not them. There may not be a factual reason per my worldview for the emotion. This is irrelevant, because the feeling is real to the other person.

Guys, if you can learn to understand and accept this new reality, I guarantee you that all of your relationships will become stronger.

Not Changing My Intent: Just My Delivery

Does this mean that if I adopt Frankie’s method, I’m faking being empathetic just to appear nicer? Absolutely not. I’m the same person, and in both cases, my ultimate goal is to aide and comfort the person going through difficulty. Previously, I just lacked the tools to properly deliver my support.

Empathy is not a trick for jerks to ingratiate themselves. It only works if you genuinely care. Which I do.

Lesson 2: Emotional IQ Over Cold Hard Facts

When I was in elementary school, I remember my AP US History teacher referring to some fellow classmates as having “foot-in-mouth disease” when they would misstate an important historical fact. Working with all psych majors makes me feel like I have a foot-in-mouth epidemic.

The Lure of Efficiency

I spent my life striving for efficiency. From wearing the same Budsies logo shirt to work every morning (no time wasted deciding what to wear!) to cooking the same salmon and kale salad for dinner every evening (no time wasted deciding what to buy/cook!).

Thanks to my 7 “psych sisters” at the office, I’ve learned that efficiency works differently for interpersonal communication. Simply spewing out facts and commands seems efficient, but the antagonistic attitude created by this cold approach leads to resentment (and for the strictly business-minded, worse KPIs).

As a concrete example, let’s compare how editing a document worked in investment banking vs. at Budsies. In banking, the associate would tear through my presentation with a nasty red sharpie. He would annotate the pages with “NO!” or “FIX!” or “Ughh”. Then he would slap the bloody red book on my desk and, if I was “lucky”, take a minute to flip through the pages to explain (really: condescendingly smirk at my mistakes). Yes: I was pissed about it. But we were taught to channel our anger into producing the best possible final draft. That was the culture.

I could argue that this was actually quite efficient. No time wasted on pleasantries. But I also know the emotional pain it created. My colleagues deserve better. And I feel differently about pleasantries now than I did back then.

Choosing Relationship Over Efficiency

If the same document were reviewed by me at Budsies, I’d start by thanking my colleague for the work and the time they spent putting it together. I’d then point out the elements of the document that spoke to me and were on point. Then I’d articulate that there are some facets of it that need additional work and explain how they could be improved.

I know this probably adds another 10 minutes to my day. But the impact is tremendous. This culture of gratitude, support, and acknowledgement permeates our entire organization and leads to a cohesive sense of clan that motivates everyone. And with this new worldview, I don’t see the extra time as pleasantries like you’d see in the Stepford Wives. Completely the opposite: I believe everything I say. I trust that she tried her best, I am truly thankful that she chose to give that effort, I am excited by all the great elements of the document she nailed, and I am invested in her future success as she learns from my notes and does an even better job next time.

Impact on My Personal Life

Besides the amazing growth and successes we’ve achieved at Budsies, I’m duly thankful to my team for the impact of these emotional IQ lessons on my personal life. My relationship with my teenage sister has improved greatly and I’m now proud to be her trusted, judgement-free confidante for her personal life. In my romantic relationships, I’ve also gotten better at understanding how I feel and communicating the feelings to the woman I am with. Same for the other way around: I have learned to tone down my hero instinct, sit back, and listen to her feelings. No judgement. Just accept her feelings as reality. And address them without condescension.

I’m very much still a work in progress. We all are. But I’m thankful to my Budsies crew for setting me on a newly enlightened path.