AREA FATHER SUCCESSFULLY USES SPORTS ANALOGIES IN PLACE OF ACTUAL PARENTING

Local dad James Bronson has progressive parenting experts nationwide scratching their heads with his traditional, but highly successful approach to raising children: just talk about sports until they get bored and leave.

“Your analogy doesn’t even really have to make sense,” James, who will appear on the cover of Daddy Issues, the famous father-themed magazine that popularized tucking your shirt into your cargo shorts and wearing your cell phone on a belt, “you just sort of talk about a play where like, someone probably should’ve punted but they went for it and it ended up working out in the end or whatever” James pauses to spit on the ground, “and they’ll just kinda look confused and eventually walk out of the room.”

James claims he has avoided such topics as uncomfortable as where babies come from to why his sister-in-law doesn’t come over anymore simply using thorough rants about the Tuck Rule and how Flutie never got the chance he deserved — suddenly, as I sat there with James, we witnessed an opportunity to see his method proven in real time.

“Dad,” James son, Drew, only 8 years old spoke up, “what am I supposed to do if a girl in my class likes me?”

He flashes me a quick smile, and looks back at his son. “It’s game 6 and Jordan’s got the flu — what’s he gonna do? Play like he doesn’t.” As Drew looked down on the ground disappointed, rolled his eyes and walked out of the room, James and I looked at each other and had a hearty laugh — Drew reminded us of ourselves as young men, slowly learning that part of being an adult is simply pretending to know what you’re talking about.