How to Disagree at Work
While having people disagree with you at work can be unpleasant, it isn’t necessarily bad. In fact, at Amazon (the world’s most valuable company), employees are asked to “respectfully challenge decisions when they disagree, even when doing so is uncomfortable or exhausting.” Similarly, Ray Dalio, the founder of Bridgewater Associates (the world’s largest hedge fund), includes “thoughtful disagreement” among his top principles for work and life and notes that “one of the smartest things” he does is “find [and engage] the smartest people who disagree with him.” Given the importance of disagreement, here’s my method for doing it productively at work:
Understand Their Thinking
In Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, the authors write that “difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.” As a result of different backgrounds, life experiences, and work experiences, two people can be in conversation with frustratingly different perspectives.
You know you’re in the middle of a difficult conversation when you find yourself engaged in righteous indignation (e.g. thinking “I can’t believe they said that”), labeling (e.g. thinking “what an idiot”), or your body language changes (e.g. your voice rises). When you notice one of those signs, it’s time to pause and better understand the other person. As the authors of Difficult Conversations note, if you focus on understanding the other person, and get into the mindset of “what else do I need to know for [their perspective] to make sense,” then you’ll have a better chance of actually persuading them.
To get a better sense of their thinking, I like to use the phrase “Can you walk me through?” While it’s more commonly used in job interviews (i.e. “Can you walk me through your resume?”), it’s also a good way to ask for clarification without making someone defensive. In practice, if someone says they think customers will react a certain way to a marketing proposal, and you think they’re wrong, you would begin productively disagreeing by asking “Can you walk me through why you think people will react that way?”
Reflect Their Thinking
Before you respond to their “walkthrough”, pause again. In Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, the authors emphasize that effective communication begins by separating observation from evaluation, and similarly Aristotle noted that “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” I find it helpful to ensure I’ve truly observed and am not yet focused on evaluating why I’m right and they’re wrong, by reflecting my conversation partner’s perspective and giving them a chance to confirm my understanding, which also helps them remain relaxed.
Echoing someone’s perspective doesn’t mean you agree with them or concede they’re correct, instead it confirms that their perspective makes sense to them and validates the experiences that led them to a particular conclusion. To do so, I like the phrase “I can see what you mean.” It’s a little less likely to lead to a knee-jerk response than “I see what you’re saying” (do you?!) and a little more comforting than “I hear you.” In practice, this would look something along the lines of “I can see what you mean. You’re saying that...”
Provide Your Thinking
Once they’ve confirmed your understanding, you should provide your perspective. But first, ask yourself “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?” That tip comes from Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, whose authors point out that adopting an attitude of curiosity and patience helps ensure your conversation partner feels safe, and no one starts “looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace,” which can happen when someone feels pressured.
In that spirit, I find the phrase “The way I’m thinking about this is…” works well in conveying an openness to discussion. That openness is important because when someone starts feeling pressured, they’ll stop listening, and it will no longer be a productive conversation. When you share your thinking, don’t say “but” or raise your voice — both are likely to make someone become defensive and stop listening.
Disagree and Commit
You can repeat the framework of “Can you walk me through”, “I see what you mean”, and “The way I’m thinking about this is” until you reach consensus or have irreconcilable perspectives. If you can’t reach consensus, Amazon has another relevant viewpoint. In their 2017 shareholder letter, CEO & Founder Jeff Bezos encouraged employees to “disagree and commit”. As he wrote, “If you have conviction on a particular direction even though there’s no consensus, it’s helpful to say, “Look, I know we disagree on this but will you gamble with me on it? Disagree and commit?” By the time you’re at this point, no one can know the answer for sure, and you’ll probably get a quick yes.””
That said, Bezos was quick to point out that disagreeing and committing is not about wearing the other party out. As he put it, ““You’ve worn me down” is an awful decision-making process. It’s slow and de-energizing. Go for quick escalation instead — it’s better.” So, if you’re disagreeing with someone on a team with fundamentally different objectives and views, then aim to escalate by bringing the matter to the attention of the lowest-ranking manager who oversees both you and your colleague.
