I Went To A Sex Party In Guatemala: Here’s What I Learned About My Wildest Dreams

I went to a sex party in Guatemala to explore my wildest dreams.

Or… that’s at least what the invitation promised.

It read: “Mystery Temple — The theme is ‘Wildest Dreams’ and is an opportunity to bring your deepest, darkest fantasies into the light.”

So what were my deepest darkest fantasies that I wanted to explore?

Did I want to have a three-way, flog someone, be tied up, have sex with multiple people in the same night, or roleplay some freaky role?

To be honest, no. I didn’t even want to have sex there. My “deepest fantasies” were to just be in a space that would break down my beliefs and strict rules around what sex is and isn’t. I wanted to be in an environment that de-shamed what is innate to any life form: our need and desire to have sex and experience pleasure.

But how did I even end up with the opportunity to receive this strange invitation to a night called “Mystery Temple” in the first place?

The story is long but it involves a series of synchronicities that brought me to quit my corporate job in Los Angeles, fly to Costa Rica to live at an Ecovillage, get invited to be a demo person in workshops at a festival in Guatemala called “Acrotantra Fest”, and then invited to “Mystery Temple” with all the festival participants I had spent the last week connecting with.

Ok, I guess the story isn’t that long.

But I was already so deeply entrenched in the unknown that I figured another step further in wouldn’t be that off-brand. So when I got the invitation, I accepted.

Door To The Mystery

As I sat in a circle of around 40 people, I looked around and took in my environment. The venue was a luxurious open-plan candle-lit apartment in the hills of a village overlooking a beautiful volcano-surrounded lake. The other participants and I sat on large cushions that covered the whole floor.

I turned my attention to my fellow participants as I scanned their faces.

Some sat wide-eyed and rigid, nervous for what was about to unfold while others leaned back loosely with a devilish smirk. I assumed the latter knew exactly the wildest dreams they’d be getting into tonight.

Which camp did I belong to? I checked in with myself and was surprised to find myself not racked by nerves. While I definitely was a little nervous, my stance of zero expectations that had been propelling me into the unknown for the past month gave me solace.

“Hellooo Everyoneee”

At the front of the circle stood our guide for the night, a bald bearded man with an open white cloak and silk white pants.

His voice matched the silkiness of his pants.

In a dramatic tone, he announced, “We gather tonight at Mystery Temple to explore our wildest dreams, desires, and fantasies.”.

“A temple is not a new concept. For thousands of years, people have flocked to temples to lay down their sacrifice at the altar and worship. Tonight is no different. But your sacrifice is no physical sacrifice. It is only just your whole identity and everything you think you are that you must surrender to the altar.”

“No more, no less.”

“But when you do this, you become the worshiper, the altar, and even the worshiped.”

He paused for a while as he took in the room that hung on his every word.

“I joke that this is a personal development workshop disguised as a play party, but it’s not a joke. Tonight is your opportunity to explore your desires, establish your boundaries, and be vulnerable with your fears. Tonight we do so through the theme of sex but it’s only because how we approach sex is often how we approach our lives.”

“In learning to fully express yourself here, you can bring that into your daily life and show up fully and powerfully. So how do we express ourselves fully? Well, we tend to express ourselves fully when we feel that we are safe.”

“So many of us have had unsafe experiences where our trust has been violated. Because of that, we repress ourselves. So to feel more expressed, we need to feel safe. To do that, we must all be on the same page here”.

“It’s often that when we see someone we’re attracted to, we have a fear of asking for what we want. So instead of asking, we test.”

“Oh can I touch their shoulder, let me see. What about their lower back? Is it ok to kiss them, let me try and see if it’s ok.”

“We’re trying to see what is ok without hitting an edge. But unfortunately, when we do hit an edge, it’s already too late.”

“In order to not hit an edge, we must communicate our desire and our edges.”

He went on to introduce a communication framework we could use throughout the night to experience our desires safely without hitting others’ edges or getting our own hit.

It was called “Desires Boundaries Fears”. Essentially, if we were interested in engaging with someone, we’d express our desires, boundaries, and fears. If each person’s desires and boundaries lined up, then they’d be free to engage with each other. It could be a desire for something as simple as a platonic conversation or hug, to full penetrative sex.

Rest assured this framework didn’t just result in transactional experiences: “One order up for a blowjob with a side of cuddles here, who’s looking to give a blowjob and a side of cuddles?”.

On the contrary, each person was encouraged to come into full contact with their embodied ‘Yes’s’ and ‘No’s’. This means each person was invited to check in with all of themselves for what they wanted to engage in, what they didn’t want to engage in, and with whom they wanted to or did not want to engage with.

Our guide shared that fully embodied ‘Yes’s’ and ‘No’s’ come from checking in with our heads, our hearts (emotions), our collective body state (tense or open), and our genitals in every moment. If each one of those checkpoints was a ‘Yes’ to the question at hand, all power to us. If it was a ‘No’, this would be respected and even honored with a “Thank you for honoring your boundaries”.

Simple.

However, it turned out rather quickly that respecting my own fully embodied ‘Yes’s’ and ‘No’s’ was a little more difficult than I imagined.

Toe Dip or Dive In?

We were all paired up in groups and took turns answering prompts to warm up like “A fantasy that has come true for me is…”, “A fear I have for tonight is…”, “A fantasy I want to explore tonight is…”, etc.

I enjoyed opening up to each other on a vulnerable level and secretly wished that a sex party could just mean talking openly about sex the whole night. The next exercise unfortunately reminded me that is not what a sex party is.

We were re-paired into groups of three and given instructions for what was about to happen. Apparently, we were going to take turns expressing a fantasy, and if the other two people in our group were a ‘Yes’ to it, we’d engage in it.

Woah, a big ramp up here.

To demo it, our guide called up a female participant and invited her to express her fantasy to him and another man she had chosen.

“I want you two to be on each side of me, caress me, kiss and lick my ears, and whisper affirmations into my ears all around money. Tell me I’m a queen, that an abundance of money is flowing into my life, that I deserve all the luxury and that I’ll have it.”

To my surprise, a timer was set for five whole minutes for us all to watch this fantasy play out. As the two men kissed and caressed her and whispered into her ears, the woman started to giggle and moan, exceedingly getting louder and louder.

“What the fuck did I get myself into?” I thought to myself.

After an eternity, the timer went off, the guide pulled his lips away from her ears, looked up and announced “Group member A, you may now ask for your fantasy”.

I looked at my two fellow participants. To my right, sat a woman in her thirties who told me earlier that she had been dumped by her partner that day. He sat ten feet away.

To my left was a shirtless man with long black hair and Orlando Bloom facial hair.

The woman was first.

She looked at us both excitedly and with a big smile shared “I want you both on each side of me caressing and kissing my body. No part of my body is off-limits.”

I wasn’t directly opposed to helping out with this fantasy so I agreed, “Yea, sure, I can do that”.

A minute in, I looked over at my Orlando Bloom teammate.

“Damn, he’s a lot more into this than I am” I thought to myself. “This is a little weird but whatever, the time is almost up, I’ll just participate until the timer goes off.”

And just like that, at the very start of the night, I had broken one of the major agreements. My agreement to only engage if I was a fully embodied ‘Yes’. My head had agreed, “Caresse and kiss a woman’s body? Hell yea, I’m in!” But the rest of me (my heart, my body, and my genitals) had not signed up for the task. So why did I engage when most of me hadn’t opted in?

Well, it was only a couple of minutes. And it’s not like it was something awful by any means. I mean most men spend all their weekends at bars and clubs praying that a woman, any woman, would ask them for what this woman had asked me.

But this line of thinking is the issue and deeply insidious! To reason yourself into anything, especially sexual, is to bulldoze over the parts of you that have not agreed.

But how familiar is this? How common is it to use reason to convince ourselves we want something when we know deep down we don’t actually? The mind is extremely tricky and uses a plethora of tactics to block the ‘No’ that our bodies are certain of.

I believe one of the most common tactics is something I call an ‘Identity Consequence’. An Identity Consequence is when we make a negative meaning about our identity if we were to do or not do something.

It looks like this: “If I were to do or not do X, then that means I’m A, B, C”.

In this case, my Identity Consequence was “If I were to say “No” to this woman’s fantasy, then I’d be… mean, too difficult, not fun, not a man, etc.”.

And just like all the mind’s tactics, Identity Consequences are sneaky. They’re unconscious scripts that run in the background silently guiding us. It’s only when someone might ask us why we did or didn’t do something that we share “Well, I didn’t want to be too X, Y, Z” as if it was obvious and a given.

Ok, so not off to the best start. But I was beginning to see why the guide called this a personal development workshop disguised as a play party. It was the perfect environment to activate these deep-seated beliefs and attempt to challenge them.

After the exercise was over, our guide set us free. We’d have the rest of the night to explore what we had started.

And my Orlando Bloom group member seemed to know exactly how he wanted to start. He looked over at the woman in our group and teasingly asked her “What else do you want Miss, do you want to be kidnappedddd?”.

“Oh yes, I want you to kidnap me.”

Wow, there goes my queue to leave. I excused myself and wished them a fun rest of their night. I headed to the kitchen where the rest of the people who had no idea what to do congregated.

Good thing that a sex party at least shares the most golden rules of all parties: If you feel awkward, head to the snack table to join everyone else who feels awkward. There, comment on the snacks: “Wow, these mini avocado toasts are really something huh?”.

Crunching on a mini avocado toast, I looked up and saw a woman who I had previously had a long conversation with at the festival.

She was an attractive blonde woman never without colorful extravagant makeup, which included a design in the middle of her forehead, and cat ears.

I nodded and said “Hi” to her. She came over and asked me “Hey, what are your desires for the night?”.

Desires

Ok, time to express my desires. I thought back to the communication framework that our guide had shared at the beginning of the night. One of the nuggets of gold he had relayed was to separate an expression of desire from the request of that desire.

He informed us that instead of saying “Hey can I kiss you?”, you would say “I really want to kiss those beautiful lips” (Desire). “How does that sound to you?” (Request).

That way, if someone were a ‘No’ to your request, it doesn’t invalidate your “desire”.

It’s not even a rejection. They just don’t want to do that specific thing with you, right then. It doesn’t have to mean anything about whether your desires or you are worthy enough. There’s just a misalignment of specific shared desires, it’s not personal.

Outside of practicality, this separation of desire and fulfillment of the desire makes a lot of sense. It’s so often that we suppress the expression of our desires or even just the awareness of them out of fear that they won’t be met.

“Oh who am I to want that, that would never happen. I don’t even want it.”

But the fact is you do want it. We all have a plethora of desires in every moment, from practical to wild. From mundane to sexual.

Most of our desires will never be met, but if they’re met or not is irrelevant. Why is there an expectation that our desires have to be fulfilled for them to be valid?

Can the fact that our desires just exist be enough? Can us owning and expressing them be the satisfaction in itself?

The interesting thing is that when you orient yourself to your desires like this, and express them without being attached if they are fulfilled, they oftentimes are fulfilled. In my recent exploration in my life, I have been shocked at how many of my desires, shared without attachment, have been met.

And when they’re not met, at least I owned them and expressed them regardless. The owning and expressing of them is the win and their being fulfilled is just the bonus.

So that’s how I communicated my desires to the woman in front of me wearing cat ears. I tuned in and shared my exact desires, and to my surprise, she shared very similar desires.

“Cool, do you want to explore these together?” I asked.

“Sure!”

We headed to the middle of the room and sat together. After expressing both our boundaries and fears, we started to engage in our desires with each other (nothing crazy and clothes on).

After a couple of minutes, I checked in with how I was feeling. I was having fun and was enjoying myself, but I wasn’t aroused. For the second time that night, I wasn’t a fully embodied ‘Yes’ or what some call a “Full Fuck Yes” to what was happening.

This time, I didn’t suppress my hesitation. “Hey, can we slow down a little?” I asked.

“Yea, of course!”, she responded.

Holding her in my arms, we started to talk. We shared our desires (in the space and also around life in general), joked around and laughed, and told stories to each other. To this, I was a full fuck yes.

We looked around the room together and commented on the interesting scenes around us.

No one was having penetrative sex yet (I was surprised to see that it took multiple hours for that to occur) but there definitely was a lot to take in. To the right of us, the woman who had previously wanted to be kidnapped was blindfolded, handcuffed, and being tickled with a feather by three different people. I smiled knowing that her kidnap desire was being met. Behind her, a woman on all fours was having her butt hit with a flogger exceedingly harder and louder. To the left of us, two men sat naked on the couch while a single woman pleasured them both. In the middle of the room, a couple was doing naked acro-yoga (the woman was held upside down in the air resting on the feet of her partner who was lying on the floor).

We continued to talk amongst all the craziness around us. I asked her if she wore her extravagant makeup and kitty ears everywhere she went.

“I go to the grocery store like this.”

With a sigh, she then shared that her mom and brother get upset with her for dressing like this everywhere.

“They don’t get why I do this. But it just makes me happy. It’s my desire and I want to do it. At one point, I didn’t wear my makeup and cat ears for four full months. But I realized my soul was sad.”

I nodded with care. I respected how she owned her own desires, even when they were judged, and met them herself. I thought to myself that to honor your own desires even when they are not understood, is an act of courage and self-love.

After a while, we thanked each other for the experience and our shares and wished each other well.

I got up and walked to the kitchen to recuperate. That was nice, I wonder what else I’m looking for I thought to myself.

I checked in with myself and realized with a strong resolve that I didn’t want another single sexual/sensual experience that night. I didn’t feel averse to the environment I was in, but it wasn’t arousing to me in the slightest. I was very curious and intellectually interested in everything that was going on but my interest stopped there.

Great, I can just do what I do best: be curious about other people and connect to them.

I spotted a younger woman with curly hair at the water station. Earlier that night when we shared in the prompt exercise, she was not able to answer the questions “What fantasy have you had that has come true?” or “What fantasy do you want to come true tonight?”.

She opted to skip her turn twice because she couldn’t think of an answer.

I was curious if she felt similar to me so I went up and relayed to her my realization about my lack of desire for any more experiences there. To my surprise, she felt the opposite. She was basically shaking with excitement and told me how thrilled she was to explore.

Later that night, I saw her in a passionate three-way.

I felt happy that not only was she able to discover her fantasies, but she was also able to engage in them freely.

It’s a testament to the power of a safe space to shine light on what has previously been repressed to the shadows. In the light, buried desire can be nourished and eventually bloom. When the desire can bloom and be acted upon, there is a reclaiming of a part of oneself that had been disowned. In this reclaiming, one accepts more and more of oneself and moves towards wholeness.

Armed with respect for others and their process along with my own self-agreements for the rest of the night, I set off to discover where other people were in their processes.

I saw a friend alone in the middle of the floor and went to join her. After a short conversation, she left and almost immediately was replaced by a body that slid next to me.

I looked and recognized beside me a woman who had been excited to engage with me throughout the festival. I really enjoyed interacting with her yet sensed that she didn’t match my platonic intentions.

“Hey Alex! What are you looking for tonight?”

It was time to face my biggest fear of the night: establishing my boundaries.

Boundaries

Being aware of and establishing my own boundaries is a fairly recent development for me.

Like many, for most of my life, I never considered what my own boundaries were. Of course, I had heard the term and knew others had boundaries, but my own boundaries? Don’t know what you’re talking about.

Even just the thought of doing so triggered self-worth wounds with an internal dialogue of “Who am I to have boundaries or communicate them?”, and my people-pleasing tendencies that screamed, “What if I hurt someone’s feelings?!”.

And then, I heard a quote from relationship expert Mark Groves that radically transformed how I thought of boundaries: “Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.”.

Holy shit! So boundaries didn’t have to be an act of rejection of someone? Not only could I disassociate them in my mind with the idea of disconnection, but they’re actually a tool to lead to more connection that’s even richer.

I’m in.

Boundaries say “Hey, I want to connect and let you into my personal world, but in order not to dishonor, disrespect, or bulldoze over my needs, here is the location of the doorway, the shape of it, and the key to open it”.

“If you don’t want to enter that exact doorway, no worries, I wish you well!”.

Like I said, this concept is fairly new to me, so I felt fearful yet excited to practice it with the woman beside me.

I answered her question of my desires with the shape of my doorway “I’m not looking for any more sexual or even sensual experiences tonight. I just want to connect with people.”

As the shape of my doorway was a little vague, she asked to clarify “Would you like a hand on your chest?”.

I took a breath, tuned in with myself, and found that I was open to a hand on my chest. “Yea, I’m open to that.”

As she placed her hand on my chest she whispered “Thanks for checking in with yourself first”.

We continued to talk and she went on to share about her past.

“I actually used to be a pole dancer. My teachers in Korea were no joke. While we were in splits, they used to push our torsos to the floor. When we would cry out in pain, they would push even harder.”

“It trained me to completely disrespect my own boundaries. It’s taken a long journey, but I’ve made so much progress in re-learning them and expressing them.”

I was shocked and touched by her story. Even in an individualistic culture like the U.S. where I grew up, we were taught to disregard and disrespect our own boundaries. It saddened me to think how much worse this is in collectivistic cultures like Korea.

The conversation lulled and I looked up to the couple doing naked acro-yoga. I’ve only practiced once or twice (with clothes), but whenever I watched skilled acro-yogi bases (the person on the floor) manipulating the bodies of the flyers (person in the air) into different poses and sometimes flips, I was always captivated.

“Wow, that looks so fun,” I told the woman beside me.

“Do you want to try?” she asked.

“Try? Uhhh, I don’t practice acro-yoga, I don’t know”.

She smiled and encouraged me “I know. I can show you if you want!”.

I laid on my back and placed my feet on her upper thighs as she stood and transferred her weight against them. Using my legs, I lifted her into the air in a Superman pose.

She then instructed me into a “transition”. She shifted her weight and guided me to reposition my feet and hands successfully transitioning her into a position called Throne.

I put her down and we both yelled in excitement as we double high-fived each other.

She exclaimed, “You did it! I’m so proud of you”.

I laughed with glee until the sound of a woman five feet away getting her butt slapped so hard with a flogger that everyone in the room paused what they were doing to look over, snapped me back to the reality that I was lying in the middle of the floor at a sex party. Almost forgot.

I thanked my partner and as I walked to the kitchen to get some soup, I reflected on how establishing the parameters of my door (my boundaries) not only didn’t reject the person in front of me, but it led to even more connection and my most fun experience of the night.

This whole boundary thing isn’t so bad.

Fears

As I filled up my soup bowl (this sex party’s snacks are killing it), I noticed a man sitting in a chair observing all the craziness that was playing out in the room. I had interacted with him in small amounts throughout the festival and he always seemed like a genuine and nice guy.

I was curious if he was feeling how I was feeling. Or maybe he was just getting off watching all the sex.

Either way, I figured it would be entertaining to find out.

“Hey man, how’s it going?”

“Hey Alex. I’m just resting here, I had a nice experience with *****. How’s your night going?”

“Sweet. My night’s been interesting. But to be honest man, I don’t feel aroused at all in this space. I decided I don’t want any more experiences. I feel more so just curious being here, but not looking for anything more.”

Hearing this, his back straightened and his face lit up.

“Oh man, I feel the same way. I don’t feel aroused at all being here either. When I got here, I was really afraid that I’d be the odd man out. That everyone would be paired up and I’d be the only one alone. But I’m not involved right now and I’m completely fine with that. A reason for coming here is that I’m really trying to figure out if this casual sex thing is for me. I thought I was demisexual [someone who feels attraction for others only after an emotional connection is established] but I thought I’d try to push myself and see if that’s true.”

I appreciated his honesty and shared my experience with navigating casual sex as a man. I told him how when I came out of my first long-term relationship, I thought I wanted to have a bunch of casual sex. I was in college and everyone around me was having it, so I naively assumed that’s what would fix all my insecurities.

But then I started having some and realized it wasn’t that enjoyable to have sex with strangers. I questioned why everyone around me was able to enjoy it and be driven by it. I thought something was wrong with me. There was a lot of shame there.

But then I decided that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I just prefer to feel emotionally connected to whoever I have sex with. That’s just my mind’s, heart’s, body’s, and genital’s preferences. It’s my full fuck yes. And it doesn’t make me worse or better than anyone else who has a preference for something else.

As I shared, it seemed as if something dramatically shifted in him. He sighed with relief and enthusiastically thanked me for sharing my experience.

I realized then that Fear is included in the communication framework that we were given, not only because it limits sex, but because oftentimes it motivates our sex.

I believe that one of the greatest fears is the fear of not belonging. That somehow, there’s something fundamentally wrong with us that excludes us from the group. We desperately want to fit in, so we do what the group is doing, so no one can tell that even we don’t feel like we belong.

This motivates us to do things we don’t want to do. To dishonor our full fuck yes and even override our deep “No’s”.

And of course, this shows up with sex as all of our dynamics do. Sometimes (many times) we have sex when we don’t actually want to. We want to fit in with our peers or even with just the person in front of us.

We convince ourselves that our requirements (like emotional connection, extreme attraction, or respect) are just us being extra.

But do we want to be motivated by fear to engage in something as intimate as sex? Or do we want to be fully onboard, motivated by the ‘Yes’ that all of our being is screaming?

We wrapped up our conversation and as I went to leave, he asked if he could give me a hug. I hoped that after leaving the party, he would be able to have a little more acceptance of himself and his preferences.

I decided it was time for me to leave the party. After gathering my things, I took one last look at the room. With a deep breath, I took in the scene: the three-way still happening, a woman was tied up against a door and getting flogged, an active couple throughout the night was having another experience with someone that they had brought in, and a woman who had told me she was nervous to try out some sex toys was taking out a whip with a man smiling in front of her.

I smiled at the scene and left out the door.

Our Wildest Dreams?

When you give people a safe space to explore their wildest sexual dreams, you would think all shit would break loose and people would do some crazy things.

And they do.

I saw some things I’d never seen before.

But also, this safe space to explore our wildest dreams doubled as a space to explore what weren’t our wildest dreams.

It was an opportunity to have everything that we ever wanted. All the things we fantasized, daydreamed, or actually dreamed about. And in getting access to those things, I found that many realized that they didn’t really desire them. That they weren’t even their desires.

I think that’s the case for most of our desires. They’re not ours. They’re given to us from our culture or our opposition to our culture, from our friends, or from the media. And we take them on and spend so much time fantasizing about them.

“Oh if only I could have X”, “I just need to have Y and my life would be complete”, “I swear if I got Z, then I’d be happy”.

So much energy goes into desiring and wanting. And there’s nothing wrong with this. But if you’re going to spend so much time with your desires, at least make sure you actually want them.

I think that was the secret power of the space of Mystery Temple.

Imagine going to an extravagant buffet. At this buffet, every delicacy you’ve ever been told about is there. There’s Wagyu steak, lobster, truffles, and caviar. You’ve never tried any of these things but you’ve always wanted to. You’ve watched video after video of people consuming them and describing them. You’re convinced trying them would be heaven.

You’re shaking with excitement as you put a bite of Wagyu in your mouth and it touches your tongue.

Huh. That can’t be right.

You put another bite in. It’s really fatty. You almost wish you just had a normal steak bite.

Maybe you’re just not in the mood for steak, so you grab the truffle pasta and take a bite.

Oh, that’s what a truffle tastes like? It’s so funky.

Hmm, maybe you need some caviar to wash your palette.

Oh gross, it’s so fishy!

You look across the room and notice a plate of buttery bread. You know you really enjoy bread but you could have anything at this buffet! But you just want bread. So you bite into it and it tastes better than it ever has. There’s nothing different about this bread but there is something different. It’s you.

All the things you thought you wanted, that you spent so much time and energy obsessing over, you realize that you didn’t actually want them.

You knew you liked bread before, but your choice of it was because the other options were limited. So you couldn’t fully enjoy it. You didn’t really choose it, it was just available.

But in receiving the other options and realizing they’re not all that, you can finally choose the thing you knew you enjoyed and redirect all the energy and time that was going to these fantasies to your actual choice.

This is the case with sex and all your desires outside of sex. No one can tell you what you actually desire. Sometimes you’re a fan of the caviar and sometimes you’re a fan of the bread. There is no objective “right” desire. True choice and real desire are always self-generated.

They come from your core and no amount of convincing from others should alter that. Your full fuck yes’s are yours and only yours. And you don’t need to go to a sex party to realize that. You don’t even have to experience your other fantasies to realize what is and isn’t your actual desire.

It could help, but it’s not necessary.

I believe all of us already know what we truly desire. And the answer isn’t always in our heads. It’s in our hearts, our bodies, and even our genitals.

In every moment, we can tune into these different parts of ourselves. When our peers, our family, our culture, or our media tell us what we should want, only we can know what is true for us. We can know our fully embodied ‘Yes’s’ and ‘No’s’. And even when it’s terrifying, even when we think it will threaten our belongingness, we can ask for what we truly want, and we can say no to what we truly don’t want.

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