BREADCRUMBING

A lot of people talk about what happens when you fall in love. Not a lot talk about what happens when you fall out of love.

Malia looked up at the blue sky. It was a beautiful day and if her heart wasn’t feeling untenanted, she’d probably have been enjoying it like her friends Joyce and Aisha. She laid flat on her beach mat and let the coolness that escaped the barrier of the fabric soothe the skin on her back. Taking a deep breath she knew it was one of the best days she’s had in a while. Maybe that’s why it didn’t make a lot of sense to her.

“Malia” she heard Joyce call out and wondered if she could just pretend to be asleep or maybe not. She had her shades on but Joyce wasn’t one to give up. “Malia, I know you aren’t sleeping” she heard Joyce call out again. She sat up and saw her friends, standing in the water, their bikinis wet from the waves and she looked down at hers. It was drier than the desert.

“Get your ass up and come here!” Aisha said this time.

Malia shook her head. She wasn’t in the mood to feel anything. She was counting down the hours to when she could go home and continue her lifeless activity in bed. Lost in thought, she didn’t know when her friends came over to her side and took a seat. The sun wasn’t scorching. It was mild and one of the best times they liked to visit the beach. One reason was because they forgot their umbrellas one too many times. Days like this make you regret it a lot less.

“Are you okay, Malia?” Aisha asked.

Malia nodded. They weren’t buying it.

“What’s the problem? Are you still thinking about David?” Aisha asked as she placed a hand on her shoulder. It was cold and wet. The rings on Aisha’s fingers pressed hard against her skin.

“No, not really.” Malia said to her, putting on a faint smile.

“Good. You shouldn’t think of that asshole anyway. He wasn’t any good and I’m glad you broke up.” Joyce said. She had never really like David. None of them did.

Malia adjusted on her mat now and stuttered “w-we weren’t a couple anyway”

“And that’s what makes it worse. You’re sad over someone who never cared about you.”

Joyce had a point and that Malia had always known all too well. It was indeed easier to tell people you had your heart broken by your boyfriend than someone you were hung up on. Who called you when you began to pull away. Who knew your name on days you tried to forget his. At least then people pretended to be sorry for you. You didn’t have to explain your sadness. They knew. They just knew.

But the problem wasn’t about an alleged heartbreak. She had known David didn’t love her. For the longest time she had just thought he had a weird way of showing it. But that had never been the case. When she had spoken to him last night, she had made that pretty clear.

“A lot has happened since we last spoke. For one, I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore.

The sound of your name doesn’t make my heart flutter and he thought of you doesn’t give me that warm feeling that keeps me through the night. I no longer anticipate your texts, your voice, your touch, you. Now, I shudder at the idea you might reach out to me someday and I’d have to respond. I think I can go the rest of my life without your touch, your smile, your kisses and even more, you.

I loved you for so long, and you never gave me a second glance. I cared for you more than you cared for me. But I’m a firm believer of letting love flourish. Letting it die when it sees there is no hope for it to blossom into anything more. In love, I do not believe there is a winner or a loser. I just believe there’s a presence of feelings and the absence of it.

My love for you was like a moving car. Your love for me was meant to be the gas to this said car. So many times I fueled this car with the hope that someday you’d love me too and it’d be an easier emotion to carry. But that never came and sooner than later, the car stopped. And somewhere somehow, I didn’t just get tired of pushing it. I simply didn’t want to. And it felt okay.

Maybe if you had loved me like I loved you, your texts would be the first thing I look out for day and night. Your voice would be the melody to my soul. Your embrace, a safety from the world. Maybe.

Maybe if you had loved me like I loved you, the thought of you wouldn’t make me feel nothing. Not hate, not anger, not happiness and not joy. Now I look at you and I feel absolutely nothing like I feel for the average person I know nothing of. Sometimes when I had a bad day, you were the first person I wanted to talk to. And on good days, the first person I want to share the news with.

But now I’m relearning everything again. How to keep my heart open for love that wants me too. For someone who sees me the way I used to see you. Maybe even better. Not loving you anymore makes me feel so empty but I like the feeling. For the first time in so long, I feel liberated somehow. Because now I can go into the world and find love again. Would they love me back? I don’t know. But that’s the thing. Now I’m willing to try.”

“I’ve always known you didn’t love me, David. Neither were you planning on loving me.” She had said with a scoff. “Who am I kidding? You don’t plan to love someone anyway. You either do or you don’t”

David had reached for her hand from across the table but she slowly pulled it away. He had looked just as handsome as she had remembered and smelled even better. But the problem was, she felt nothing. Someone deep within her, Malia was happy but at the same time confused.

“What are you talking about, Malia? I already told you how much I cared about you”

He did. Every time she has stopped reaching out to him in the quest to kill the unrequited love that burned her soul and made her feel so alone. So many nights she had hoped he texted without she having to. So many days she had prayed he called without having to ask. But that never happened.

“David… I just wanted to tell you that I loved you. With all my heart. I tried pulling away every time because I thought you didn’t love me back. But whenever I did, you always came to me and I thought — I thought I was overthinking it. And you were busy with your life. It made me feel terrible because I felt I didn’t deserve you if I was going to be impatient.”

He reached out to her again and she withdrew her hand one more time. “Malia…”

“Let me finish” she said a little more sternly now. “But I realized I too had a lot going on in my life. But somehow you were the one I wanted to talk to, day and night and you knew this. Swear to me you had no idea.”

David’s gaze went from her eyes down to the empty plate in front of him.

“I think that’s the reason why you knew you could always come back. Because you knew I was gonna be right there waiting. Loving you was already part of my routine. You know I’m a sucker for routines” Malia’s voice was choked with the tears she was afraid was going to stream down her cheeks but she had to say this and set herself free. “I’m telling you all this because for the first time in years, I don’t feel anything for you. Not anger, not love, not pain.” She continued with a smile.

“Malia, I promise you, I never meant to hurt you”

She nodded. “Maybe you’re right. It is true that sometimes the monster isn’t aware of what a monster it is.” She finally said. “But it’s okay because I feel free now and that is the reason I can tell you this.”

She reached out and placed her hand on his. Giving him a gentle rub as she stared at her thumb going up and down the veins at the back of his hand. “Nothing. I feel nothing and the best thing I have felt in years, David.”

David had said something she wasn’t sure she heard. Her heart was filled with so much joy yet so much emptiness, it felt so good. It felt so right.

“The good thing is I have finally purged out this unhealthy love I had for you. But I would be a liar if I didn’t say my love for you didn’t make me feel alive. To the point I had wished I’d rather be dead.” She continued. “I don’t know what will happen from here on but I’m very. I don’t hate you. No no. I only hated you when I loved you. Now I feel absolutely nothing. And just as you’re setting me free, I hope I’m setting you free too. Maybe somewhere you thought you were doing me a favor by reaching out to me. Like I had burdened you with my existence. And now you’re free to not do that anymore. I promise you I can go the rest of my life without seeing or hearing from you again.”

David’s eyes had a hard time meeting hers. Malia wasn’t sure if it was guilt or sadness that consumed him but one thing she knew was she didn’t have a feeling of care. And as strange as that was, she welcomed it.

The rest of the night had been a blur. After dinner, they both shared a hug and went their separate ways. Everything leading up to this moment, at the beach, with her friends was faint in her memory. She wished she could explain to them how relieved she felt but yet so empty. For so long the idea of David had occupied her body and soul. And now it wasn’t anymore, it was like an empty room waiting to be told what to be used for.

She spent the next few minutes explaining to her friends who gave her a long hug when she was done. Maybe they understood. Maybe they didn’t. But with them, she never had to beg for a crumb of attention and that made her feel safe in their arms.

“Come on” she heard Aisha say now. “Let’s go into the water. You’ll feel a lot better”

And she did. As she waited for the waves with her friends by her side. She thought to herself:

”A lot of people talk about what happens when you fall in love. Not a lot talk about what happens when you fall out of love. Maybe because they don’t know how. But one thing was certain, she was willing to give it a try.”