Two Sides of a Coin

The first time I laid on the bed with a man I like, I completely understood why people did this. Why they went through a lot to keep this moment. We laid in the quiet as he ran his hands up and down my arm. Then we talked about complete nothing. I wasn’t in love with him. At most I liked him. He was my friend. With a little extra steps. I felt at peace and the only war I had within myself was if I wanted it to last or I still was too scared to let myself feel something for someone. He wanted a lot more than I had to offer. He wanted my heart but I didn’t think I could give it even if I wanted to. Again I liked Ayo but I didn’t feel an emotion greater than that. As he talked into the sky, I put my hand to my chest and wondered deep within me if I had a heart and why I was so scared of love.

The first time I laid in bed with a man I loved, I knew why people lost their minds because of the unknown. Why it wasn’t as easy for a lot of people. People who didn’t get “the girl”. Again this too was a friend but his name was Kunle. Suddenly I was Ayo, looking at the man I couldn’t get. Because he said we could be nothing more. But unfortunately I had let myself feel and I began to wondered if maybe this concept of companionship and love wasn’t for me. We too talked about sweet nothings as he ran his hands down my back. I was surprisingly aware of the preoccupation of my mind, making it hard for me to hear anything else. I was too busy feeling. I was listening, absorbing his words and his smile. His face, lips, eyes. I did not know what moment could be our last together. When the last time would come and so I had to live everyday like this. I wanted more than he had to offer. I wanted his heart but he didn’t give it. Then I realized maybe this wasn’t my scene. But it felt good because somewhere I knew I had a heart and it wasn’t scared of love anymore.