Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.

I see you sitting there in a blue so vivid, it leaves spots in my eyes when I look away. Your “Family Size!” yellow band boasts its impending satisfaction and pleasure.

“Open with Pull Tab on Top!”

“If you insist,” I whisper, as I peel you open slowly. I know what awaits me behind this thin film separating us, but the crinkling of plastic excites me further. But what is that in the corner? Ben & Jerry’s Tonight Dough with Jimmy Fallon plastered on the container beckoning me to grab a spoon and do unmentionable things to its contents? No, no, I’m imagining things.

“I can show you the world,” chimes Jimmy.

No, Jimmy, not this time. I’m on a date, in a committed relationship in fact. I glance back at my fingers, now tracing the never ending ridges of chocolate wafers with cream filling in all the right places. I then remember a trashy news article headline claiming these tasty delights are as addictive as cocaine. It would be an injustice to the scientific community to not test this theory, so I venture on. For science.

My mouth is now salivating as I hurtle the cookie towards my face at lightning speed, but as the Casanova imparts its delicious sweetness on my lips, an image of thick icy creaminess bolts through my mind.

“How could you?” whimpers the blue container as my eyes widen in realization of what had just happened. Oh, how can I divide my blossoming love for Tonight Dough and still proclaim my devotion for the classic American cookie I know and love so much?!

And then an idea so modern, so new, so undoubtedly insane and progressive strikes me that there could be no doubt it will be my single greatest accomplishment to date if conceived as planned.

I dip you in the ice cream.

I message my roommate the intimacy of this innovative and approaching moment and she texts back, “Be safe.” I pop a Lactaid down the hatch to quell the butterflies.

And then the moment comes. My “inner goddess” cries out in immeasurable pleasure as the rich chocolate and vanilla flavors of two worlds collide in unholy matrimony. It feels oh so right.

And at this moment I know.

I know I have just started a new chapter in my life, free from inhibitions; I am totally feeling the rain on my skin, Natasha Bedingfield. I’ve got this one life to live and I’m not wasting it being pushed around by conventions and stereotypes. So move on, milk.

Oreos are my favorite cookie.

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