I can’t accurately remember who my first friend was. I don’t think I made any friends outside of my primary social circle which was my family. I’m sure I’m not the only one who grew up with uncles and aunts, cousins and siblings around the same age. We would spend family holidays together, birthdays and every other weekend together.
The friendships I have formed in the real world outside of my family, have taught me some of the most important lessons about love and loyalty.
I have lost more friends than I could count. I have said goodbye to so many people who I never dreamed I would part ways with. The last few years of my life have been characterized by great loss. I want to share three very different stories and what those moments in my life have taught me.
The Story of The Pride and The Fall.
In the 8th grade, we took a graduating class trip to Mombasa. I was eager to pick my roommates because we had the option of pairing up, having triples or in quads. The popular kids always clustered together then there was the rest of us. My friend K was supposed to be my obvious choice. We lived in the same estate, our mothers were friends and so were our siblings. We were all within the same age group and got along well. So we made plans to be roomies but things changed. V and Cici, two popular girls at school, asked me if I could room with them and without giving it a second thought, I said yes. I told K about it and she was crushed. Rightfully so. A day before the long awaited trip, V asked me to meet her at the Science Block where she let me know I won’t be rooming with them anymore. I had been replaced. I couldn’t find another roommate. I told my teacher and she said she’ll find me one. It was a harrowing 8 hour bus ride to the Coast of Kenya and when we got to the hotel, I was nervous about who my potential roommate was. I heard my name shouted across the lobby. “Baluka, you’re in room 302”. I walked into the room. K was sitting on one of the two single beds.
The Story of Shee.
Shee and I met when I was just getting into my late teens. We bonded over the circumstances that brought us together i.e being hopeful naive wide eyed university kids, being of the same heritage and our love for living life in the fast lane. Our friendship was intense and brief. It lasted about two years. I didn’t know it at that time but her friendship was a safe haven for me. Shee meant the world to me, or the world as I knew it at that time. I have many regrets about the demise of our friendship. I hate the way things ended. We were young, both from relatively dysfunctional families so we got each other. We got that we were not perfect but that If we cared enough about each other, everything would work out. Things never did.
The Story of Heem.
This is probably my favourite story. I met Heem in University too. Same university, relatively similar social circles as Shee and I. Heem was older than us, more established especially within the student body at our university. Small in stature but incredibly big and bold in vision and ideas. He represented strength and fortitude for me. He exuded honesty and loyalty. I never really believed in successful platonic relationships, but this, our friendship gave that fact credibility. There were a lot of blind spots my naivety gave me that he covered for. I never realized much of this until he graduated and moved away. We didn’t talk much about it but that was a pivotal moment for us. We hadn’t spoken or seen much of each over the years that followed. Unbeknownst to me I was slowly slipping into an abyss. In his absence I had lost a lot of myself. So when we reunited, it was Cold. Odd. Distance. I wasn't who he left. So it’s no surprise he couldn’t deal with who he found. Things just sort of dissolved, into nothingness.
So what changed?
With K, it was plain to see who was wrong. I was. Not only was I disloyal to my friend, I betrayed her trust. Karma did her number on me though. Remember how V and Cici snubbed me too? It happens. I swiftly learned how it felt to be rejected and ashamed. I promised myself never to make anyone else feel that way, especially if I could control it.
K’s lesson showed me that I need to learn to ride for my own. Which is why I fought so hard for my friendships with Shee and Heem. In their cases, I wasn’t losing them because I didn’t choose them, I lost them because I didn’t meet them halfway. I ditched K, I never worked hard enough for Shee and Heem, so I was back at one on the friendship drawing board.
My pride made me fall
During my late-teens early-twenties, I lived in a constant state of pride. You couldn’t get a word in with me. I was entitled and felt like the world was mine. If I was wrong? That’s wrong because I’m never wrong. Everyone else was wrong and I was right.
I was a good friend but not when it counted. I was good when it was convenient for me and only me.
I was lucky, K welcomed me back. Not that she had a choice but she welcomed me back. She was a far better person than I was. She didn’t need to. For that I am thankful. With Shee, she was a great friend. We spent time together. Shopping, eating out and trips in Ontario. She treated me how a friend should be treated. I remember Shee once said that she felt I was neglecting her after I started dating but I thought she was joking. The truth was that I prioritized my then boyfriend over her, effectively severing our ties irreparably. It made sense that we could never be what we once were.
L’s turned Lessons.
Realizing what I had after losing seems to be an olympic sport I’d be great at but not all L’s are losses, some are lessons and here are mine.
Self aware and understanding the role I play in friendships. In my many moments of tears where I spent crying to my father, he simply said “Look at it this way, you get good friends by becoming one”. Took me some time to learn but I get it.
Apologizing, saying sorry and meaning it. Growing up, when my sisters and I would fight, our method of coping with conflict was the silent-treatment. We would go hours, days and maybe weeks without talking. We eventually needed each other’s help and that would inevitably break the silence. Families could work like that, not successfully, but they could work. Friendships don’t. They can’t. Learning to fight with love and resolve with understanding is a characteristic of not just a good friendship but a strong one.
You gotta put in the work. Friendships are WORK! Even though my siblings and I didn’t put in the work with our problem solving, we built each other up in many ways. Encouraged each other and found joy in each other’s company. With friendships, you have to take care of the bad just as much as you nurture the good.
When Rihanna said, I’ve loved and I’ve lost, I felt that. In considering all that I have lost, I can’t help but smile about what I have gained and who I have loved.
So you can’t lose friends and not cry, but I hope after the tears dry, your losses turn to lessons.
