College Application Season: The Perfect Time to Talk About Rejection
Your Teen Will Face Many Rejections But This Might Be The First
“Tell us about a time you have faced rejection and how you handled it.”
This is the college essay prompt most likely to be avoided by my students. This and the one about failure…
I used to think students avoided these prompts because they were afraid of being vulnerable and didn’t want to risk looking bad in the eyes of an admission officer they had never met. Students instead usually choose prompts that give them an opportunity to talk about their accomplishments, their values or their attributes.
Lately, though, I’ve come to realize students avoid these prompts because they don’t actually have anything to write about. That is, they have never really been rejected from anything; they haven’t ever really failed either. I’ve tried prying stories out of students and the best I get is some account of falling in the pool at a friend’s 11th birthday party or getting a B instead of an A on an algebra quiz. While those things may have been embarrassing or disappointing, I think we can agree those were not instances of rejection.
Instances of rejection will hopefully increase as we age. I say hopefully because if there is no rejection in life, there are probably not many new experiences. Sure, I’ve avoided a few things in life because I felt rejection was just too inevitable (I usually regret NOT acting in those situations), but I could write about 26 essays on rejection today. If you’re a parent reading this, you might be able to say the same (or more, good for you!). But do we talk about those stories with our kids or our students? If not, what’s stopping us?
The last thing a 17-year-old, who has just submitted applications to colleges and is feeling the most vulnerable he has ever felt, wants to hear is a lecture about how to prepare for rejection. But what if we just started telling our own stories of rejection? What if we weren’t concerned with imparting valuable lessons? What if just telling our own painful stories (and showing some vulnerability in doing so) was enough to let our kids or students know that rejection isn’t ever as bad as we think, it makes us stronger, it opens new doors and it should actually be celebrated (as my friend Annmarie Chereso at bringithome.me says)?
I don’t know about you, but what makes rejection less bearable for me is when I feel like I’m on an island and I’m the only one experience that feeling of abandonment. And in those moments of severe rejection, all I want is to be with the ones I love.
I remember one time I was rehearsing for a TEDx talk. I was ridiculed pretty hard by the coaches and told what a crummy job I did. I wasn’t able to explain myself and I felt myself shrinking with every harsh critique. I left the auditorium, picked my daughter up early from daycare and went out to lunch with her (selfish, yes, but it was the cure).
Be there for your teen, tell them your stories like mine. Love them through whatever their experiencing. They need you and they need to know that whatever the outcome of the admission process, they will retain their value and self worth; in fact, they will be better off for it. But you cannot simply tell them this (because, really, who would believe that!?). Show them.
AND…
If you want to continue this conversation, join me as I host a live webinar on rejection with two parenting experts on Wednesday, December 13th at 7pm CST/8pm EST. Register HERE. No charge.
