My Uncle Sends Me a Box of Trash Every Year for My Birthday — Here’s What He Sent This Year
As far back as I can remember, my Uncle David has always sent me a box of junk on my birthday.
I use the word “junk” loosely – past boxes have included everything from a genie lamp (not junk), to a giant model ear (junk, unless you’re an ENT), to Virginia “Ginny” Hronek’s real estate calendar (100% absolute shitjunk).
Basically, anything Uncle David has hand-picked, hoarded, or considered throwing in the trash ends up in the box. Mostly the last one.
The boxes of junk typically contain about 20–30 items, each with twists, turns and surprises. For example, Uncle David will take a coin from 1974 he found in his desk, write “hey alex” on a post-it note and stick it to the coin, wrap the coin in tape, place the coin at the bottom of a ring box (Uncle David is a jeweler), cover it with a Preparation H portable wipe, close the jewelry box, wrap it in more tape, toss it in the box, repeat.
The other day, I arrive home and find a cardboard box on my doorstep. My birthday was the next day, so I had a feeling I knew who the box was from.
When I opened it, that feeling was confirmed.
Welcome to Uncle David’s Box of Junk, 2016! Here are some highlights:
I’m assuming this was supposed to be for “Ryan,” unless “Rmyan’s” parents named him after a hypothetical Game of Thrones character.
If the “Insultinator” is any indication of how Uncle David feels about me, then I’m a “gross boring nerd.” He’s right.
This one gave me real Spencer’s Gifts ~nostalgia~ vibes.
“Goggle it.”
Is this Uncle David’s way of telling me he’s becoming a gym teacher?
OK, have you considered Empanada’s Anonymous?
Sometimes Uncle David builds little games into an item, like this “CAUTION!” sticker on a Clinique mirror. I’m glad he warned me, because…
Holy shit.
Next up is Uncle David’s pin collection, which he was so generous to gift me.
Notice the “conspiracy” pins (Tobacco Lies! No Nuclear Disposal!) casually mixed with the others. Keep your propaganda to yourself, Uncle David.
My favorite pin has to be this one:
Mrs. Parker seems chill.
Reeeeeeeal chill.
Suuuuuuuuper chill.
Uncle David decided to get a head start on this year’s holiday cards by sending me last year’s holiday cards.
Thank you, Dr. Kazley, Libby, Kathy, Lynn, Donna, Stacey, Keith, Lynn, Andrew, Naomi, Lita, Tom and Scott!
And last but not least…
Can’t wait to not put this on my bookshelf.
For the true Uncle David fans, here’s a look at all the items in this year’s box:
Uncle David’s box of junk is the best part of my birthday, and proof that things that should doused in gasoline and set on fire in a dumpster can still be meaningful.
Thank you, Uncle David. You always make my birthday feel special. In return, I’d like to leave you with a tip from the Sexual Etiquette book:
Go f*ck yourself.
