Once Upon a Badass

Who is Larry Thorne?

You’ve probably never heard of a man by the name of Larry Thorne. And prior to a few months ago, neither had I. But after I learned of the unparalleled epicness that Thorne simply referred to as his life, I am left with only one question: How had I never heard of this badass?

Thorne was a veteran of two wars (or maybe four wars, depending on how you define “war”), served in the military of three different countries, and received the highest military decoration for combat valor from two of those nations.

He bestows a new perspective on the term “wears many hats.” He commanded a Finnish special operations unit during the Winter War and Continuation War, fought the Russians as a German SS Officer, and fought in Vietnam as an American Green Beret.

Not impressed yet? Keep reading.

Here’s an exceedingly high-level summary of Thorne’s finer exploits in badassery… (Click here for the details in all their glory.)

Born in Finland as Lauri Törni, Thorne enlisted in the army to fight the Russian invaders in 1939. Quickly achieving the rank of captain, he formed and commanded his own special ops unit to venture deep behind enemy lines. And because he was such an ass-kicker, the Finns named the unit Detachment Törni. General Patton didn’t even get that distinction.

The war between the Finns and Soviets eventually came to an end, but since Thorne decided he hadn’t kicked enough Ruski ass, he looked at a world map and asked himself, “What country is still fighting the Soviets? Ah-ha! Germany, of course!” And lo, Thorne jumped on the Fatherland Express and became an SS Officer. Why? Increased chances to administer some butt-whooping upon the Reds.

But since even Chuck Norris isn’t immune to bullets and bombs, Thorne was ultimately captured by the British. To some this may present a problem, but not to Larry Thorne. He escaped his POW camp and went home to Finland.

As it turns out, a Finnish army officer quitting his job so he can fight as a German SS officer is akin to a Navy SEAL defecting to Syria to become an Islamic State commando. Thorne was arrested, convicted of treason, and sentenced to life in federal pound-me-in-the-peräaukko prison. This fate is commonly disheartening to mere mortals, but not to Larry Thorne. He was quickly pardoned by Finnish president, presumably to spare the lives of many a Scandinavian prison guard.

Seeking a new challenge, Thorne sought to travel to America and begin a new life as a different kind of badass. Knowing he would never be granted entry into the United States as a known former member of the Third Reich, he concocted a Rube Goldberg-like plan: He disguised himself as a sailor, snuck aboard a cargo ship bound for Venezuela, and then secretly boarded another ship destined for Mobile, Alabama. As the vessel neared the American coast, he performed a swan dive off the bow (a score of 10/10, no doubt) and swam to shore. He hitchhiked to Brooklyn, secured legitimate employment, and became a U.S. citizen, officially changing his name to Larry Thorne.

He awoke one morning and thought to himself, “Enough of this ‘job’ shit…I need to kill more commies.” So he joined the army and became a Green Beret. No big deal.

Thorne volunteered to go to Vietnam quicker than you can say Bubba Gump. (Shocking, I know.) Serving two tours of duty, Thorn experienced most of his combat on isolated outposts on hilltops near the Cambodian and Laotian borders, Special Forces camps being commonly established in such areas. He kicked an inordinate amount of ass. He was awarded the Legion of Merit, Distinguished Flying Cross, Bronze Star for valor, and five Purple Hearts.

It was in 1965 that Larry Thorne met his demise. Serving in the 5th Special Forces Group as an advisor to the South Vietnamese army, Thorne and his men set off on a clandestine mission in unconventional warfare. (The exact mission details remain classified.) Because Thorne simply could not be killed by humans, he met his end in a helicopter crash.

His remains were not recovered until 1999. Larry Thorne rests at Arlington National Cemetery, section 60, tombstone 8136.