Signs as Bosses

Aries: Type A and thinks you love that. Says things like, “Haven’t you ever had a Type A boss before?” like you’re honored to work for an asshole.

Taurus: Fiercely guards the corporate culture. Literally gardens. Has an impeccably manicured office.

Gemini: Gets on your level, inappropriately so. Lets you see them sweat, creating a vicious feedback loop of anxiety.

Cancer: Makes one joke a year and it kills. Hides in office. If you don’t deserve a raise, they will give you a small one. If you do deserve it, they’ll give you a medium one.

Leo: Lulls you into a false feeling of familiarity, then bullies you out of nowhere like you were always their little stooge. Effective.

Virgo: If you don’t perform, you’ve betrayed them personally.

Libra: Can’t believe they aren’t invited to drinks with the younger crew, even though they wouldn’t go. Gets Botox for “professional” reasons.

Scorpio: Withholding of praise, making you crave their approval. Inspires books written about them later by assistants they’ve long forgotten (i.e., The Devil Wears Prada based on one of the most Scorpio Scorpios ever, Anna Wintour).

Sagittarius: Drinks the kool-aid and expects you to do the same. Says everything is “interesting.” Incredible at selling, less so at managing.

Capricorn: Dresses business formal when traveling even if they have no meetings scheduled that day. Will collect at least two business cards on the plane.

Aquarius: Sends you on wild, dead-end missions that have nothing to do with actual work, like placing a wet shower head on your desk and asking you to replace it with a brand that uses a higher percentage of recycled polymers. By EOD. Has no idea that this is a bananas request.

Pisces: Says it’s totally fine to cry at work. For themselves. Have Fridays off but are always on email even when there’s no need. Total martyr about it.