The Perfect Valentine’s Day Gift Sorted
Pat Benatar got it right. Love is a battlefield.
Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and so begins the panic — what do you buy for that one person that you actually like? That kind soul who regularly feeds you and lets you fiddle their wobbly bits? They’re a good person, they’ve seen you do some pretty hideous shit and they didn’t tell anyone (you think). They’re kind, they’re nice and they deserve the best, right?
Well, luckily for you I have found the world’s best gift. And I can tell you why. It’s Nothing. And it’s awesome.
Reasons to Get You Special Someone Nothing This Valentine’s Day
1. It will make them happy
A relationship is basically just a constant power battle between two (or three or four, if that’s your thing) people. If you have the power, you feel good, if you’ve done something naughty, or you’ve been a little shit and your partner is mad with you — you do not have the power, and you feel bad.
Just hand them the power, man. They’ll hand over their gift to you, and you can respond with a nice simple, “Here you go — have some nothing. See how much better you are than me.”
Short-term they will be mad - true, but they will be savouring the sweet taste of power for years to come, and with it — a nice mouthful of happiness.
2. It’s Cheap
What do absolutely all gifts have in common? They cost something.
*And the Pinterest crowd roars from the background — “That’s not true. You can DIY a photoframe out of wire and cement and air plants and CRATES! Upcycle! Upcycle! Upcycle! *
Bullshit. Even if you’ve managed to find something on the free-er side of the spectrum, and you’re just a crafty-til-death kinda person. It still costs energy, and time, and thoughtfulness. I can almost guarantee that your gift will DEFINITELY cost you more than nothing.
3. It’s the thought that counts
And think about how much you considered this sweet ass gift of nothing. You read an entire blog post on how it’s the best idea ever — that is a lot of thought, good man.
4. Avoid disappointment
How can you be disappointed by nothing? It’s way worse to get a shite present, and then have to have that insanely uncomfortable “thaaaaaaaaaaanks” moment. Nothing never disappoints, it simply surprises. Which leads me on to my next point…
5. Impress them for years to come
The long term benefits of getting someone nothing as a gift are literally incomprehensible. Every year from now on that you don’t get them nothing, you’re a winner in their eyes. You’re like that person who bailed out of high school, got stuck on drugs and now works in a cheap supermarket and everyone’s like, “Yeah, but did you hear they got off drugs? They’re doing so well.”
Unless you literally rob them next year, the only way to go is up. Watch their eyes light up with delight at 2017’s amazing gift of a faceless pet rock. They’ll lose their shit. It can become a running joke, the cute thing that you guys laugh about. It will bond you.
See, guys, see. I’m telling you. This year, show the person you kind-of-like that you genuinely care about them — and get them nothing.
about them — and get them nothing.