6 Types Of Office Bullsh*t You Can’t Escape, No Matter Where You Work

Oh, work; it forces you to contemplate your life’s direction for eight hours a day, five days a week.

For some, work is simply a means to an end. They tolerate the daily monotony solely because it puts food on the table.

For others (who probably live in one of these cities), work is genuinely enjoyed, which is quite marvelous.

You all make a large majority of the population rather jealous.

Regardless of where you work, there are unavoidable office annoyances that will test your patience, temper and sanity.

Here are a few:

1. That Damn Empty Coffee Pot.

On the imaginary island of thoughtful coworkers, whoever takes the last drop of coffee will brew more.

This creates a break room utopia for all in need of a morning pick-me-up. How euphoric!

In real life, we’re all selfishly busy, and we know it.

It’s seriously this simple: If you take the last sip of coffee, you brew more.

We all know it’s crappy coffee, but since we’re drinking it anyway, coffee pot etiquette should definitely be a thing.

Perhaps you lack the muscular strength to reach for the bag of coffee grounds, pour them into the filter and hit “start?”

False. You lack the common decency to help out your fellow caffeine addicts.

You know who you are. Stop bogarting the coffee.

2. Unnecessary Voicemails.

You came back from vacation to 25 missed calls and 14 voicemails.

Wait. This is 2015, right?

For the love of Siri, can’t you send an email?

First off, with all of the smartphone technology currently in existence, emails can be easily sent and checked on the go.

Whatever tedious message you rambled on about in a voicemail could be quickly sent via email.

Secondly, most of us won’t even check personal voicemails from our friends, so why would we want to check voicemails at work?

Odds are, if you felt the actual need to leave a voicemail, it probably isn’t very pleasant. The whole process of checking voicemail is actually pretty cringeworthy.

However, it could be worse. If you’re really trying to increase your level of infuriating behaviors, do this:

Step 1: Call and leave a voicemail.

Step 2: Immediately send an email after and inform the person you left a voicemail.

Result: No one likes you, and we’re all avoiding you at the office holiday party.

3. Awkward Bathroom Situations.

Nothing spells awkward like two females sitting silently in neighboring bathroom stalls, am I right?

When you enter the bathroom at the same time as a coworker, you immediately go into crisis mode.

Which stall do I choose? Do I look like a weirdo if I pick the one next to her?

I always pick the second stall, but she’s in the first stall. If I take the one on the end, maybe she won’t hear me down there.

Oh, but she can. The two of you sitting there with bladder shyness, concentrating on the back of the door and thinking of running faucets and waterfalls makes for a truly magical bathroom experience.

And by magical, I mean the worst.

I assume men with “stage fright” have a much more difficult time flowing with the situation.

I imagine, “Don’t make eye contact,” is the most common mantra in men’s restrooms.

Regardless, those painful bathroom situations are everywhere. Switching offices will only confirm this problem.

4. The Laziest Person Ever To Exist.

Are you seriously taking the elevator up one floor?

Let me get this straight: That one flight of stairs between floors 15 and 16 was so unbelievably strenuous, you had no choice but to stop a full elevator and waste everyone’s time?

You know we’re all judging you, right?

Your complete rejection of any light physical activity is remarkably pathetic.

I assume you’re best friends with the person who left me a voicemail earlier.

5. The Office Fisherman.

Oh good, someone decided to heat up fish in the microwave again. Brace yourselves for the most repulsive smell to ever invade your nostrils.

The level of disregard in this situation is actually pretty hilarious.

I’m not sure what thought process you went through while contemplating your lunch decision, but common sense should tell you any type of seafood is a poor decision.

Not only are you putting us through a pungent hell, but you’re also destroying the microwave.

Do you think anyone wants to use it after you?

The answer is no. Spare us the agony and save your leftover fish for dinner at home.

6. The Cubicle.

Ah, the semi-private walls of despair. Try decorating them with photos all you want, but you’re still going to be depressed for eight hours.

It’s only you, your computer and pictures reminding you of happier times.

Shifting positions in your desk chair every few minutes fails to ease your back pain, no matter how hard you try.

You’re usually about five seconds away from face-planting into your desk or jamming a pen into your eye socket.

Who knew such a confined space could generate such a massive flood of emotions?

By all means, find a job you love. But, you have to be prepared for the inescapable workplace troubles that lurk behind every corner.

Your day-to-day job might change, but what goes on inside the office walls won’t.


Originally published at elitedaily.com on June 1, 2015.

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