4am thoughts

You’ve got to be kidding me…

Every once in a while I find myself in the same spot I am right now. Woke up, checked the time on my phone (don’t judge, you do it too, not all of us listened to Simon Sinek’s advice and bought a normal alarm clock, even though I am beginning to consider the investment) and what do you know? It’s again 4 f-ing word A.M. How the f@ck did this happen?

A quick history lesson first…

Monday, 1st of April — first day of the month, first day of the week, April Fools day definitely — everything was planned to set me up for an amazing start. Crossfit class was booked for early in the morning, lunch was prepped in the fridge, dinner as well (mealprep FTW), my diary was checked and triple checked.” Nothing can take me by surprise” I told myself going to bed.

And then it happend. Alarm clock went off. Got up, walked to the phone — yes, you don’t think I’m stupid to keep it next to the bed, do you?, turned the alarm off. Walked back to bed & back to sleep. At least this is what I think happened. And then it was 7,30 A.M. #DAFOQ? How could this happen? I spent the entire morning being mad at myself for not delivering on my promise to myself. Not to mention the ginormous amount of burpees I will have to do for skipping class.

Last time I turned the alarm off to go back to sleep was probably 2013 and then I missed the first and only flight of my life. Still remember it as it was yesterday, woke up right about when my flight was supposed to take off. Panic attack! What to do, what to do? That’s a different story for a different time though…

So I spent the entire day of Monday trying to get those hours back. Including the hour lost as a consequence of the European summer time chnage that happend last weekend (I would like to take this chance to thank Apple for making our lives so much easier that it is now possible to lose an hour and don’t even notice it. #Thanks!) As a consequence I ended up doing the WOD (workout of the day for all you non-crossfit fans) in the evening. The dutch weather was on my side, sun was shining, it was nice and warm. Perfect conditions. Burpees included.

Tuesday 4.A.M. Present time.

I’m starring at this white, empty background (@Medium — maybe a good idea to introduce dark mode? #justsaying), trying to collect my thoughts and prepare myself for the long day ahead of me. Agonizing thoughts over today’s lost productivity are going through my mind. “Not all is lost, writing this article will make me feel better about losing a good night’s sleep” — I keep telling myself. But that’s not even the worst part.

The drama of waking up in the middle of the night is that you now have time. A lot of time. To think about things that you wouldn’t normally think about during the day — such as various life events. Example: marriage, work, frienships, family, etc.

“It’s always darkest before dawn.”
  • Not married — shit. Where is my life going? What’s going to happen? Will I ever? When?
  • No Kids — f@ck! Not even married yet. Go back to the first one.
  • Thank God for work — At least that’s working out well. But is it? Are you where you want to be? Are you doing what you really want to? If someone would hold a gun to your head, is this what you’ll say that you want to do for the rest of your life?
  • Money — When is enough enough? How much time am I willing to trade to earn more?

And you get stuck in this never-ending vicious circle that feels like it’s grabbing you, holding tighter and tighter, seeming like it’s never gonna let go. You all 4 A.M. club members, you know what I’m talking about.

And then I remember the words of a wise man:

“I never make such big decisions so long after sunset and so far from dawn.” — Frank Underwood

I smile, tell myself that life is beautiful and things will work out. Get up, close the lid of my computer, go to the kitchen and meal prep the day. Hoping that one day I will wake up and all of it will have made sense.