A Modest Birthday Wish

So, tomorrow’s my birthday. Woo. Yay. Cool. Rad. Super. All I need to have a delightfully wonderful birthday is one thing, one thing only, and you are the only person who can give it to me. Yes, you. I don’t need gifts. I don’t need wall posts. I don’t need cake. All I need is this:

I need you to promise me you won’t vote for Trump.

I’m not going to tell you to vote for Clinton (though I’d prefer you do). Vote for Johnson or Stein or write in Dick friggin’ Cheney. It doesn’t matter, so long as you don’t cast your ballot for the man who epitomizes the worst of humanity, brings out the worst in America, pulls people down instead of lifting them up, lacks any sort of decorum or kindness, contradicts himself every other day, and doesn’t seem to know any specific details about any important issue.

Our president represents our country to the rest of the world — our values and ideals personified. Do you really want a president who’s a bully? A racist? A demagogue? A fatuous know-it-all who can’t back up any claim with proof, can’t defend any of his positions so resorts to name calling, can’t set aside his pettiness for the greater good? Someone who doesn’t seem to know that the high road even exists, let alone know how to take it from time to time?

He’s a liar, though he often says untrue things or contradicts himself without realizing it, because he has no idea what the facts are or what he’s said previously. He’s unwilling to admit when he makes a mistake, though he’s so grandiose in his delusions that he sees himself incapable of making mistakes in the first place—which means all his mistakes and misdeeds are other people’s fault, never his—which means he’s really bad at hiring people, because they keep messing up—which means he’s not the great judge of character he claims to be—which means he’s not as smart or successful or flawless as he claims to be. Which means he’s a fraud. And everything — literally everything — you may like about him is based on that fraud.

Did you vote against John Kerry because he was a “flip-flopper”? A FULL LIST OF TRUMP’S RAPIDLY CHANGING POSITIONS: http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/full-list-donald-trump-s-rapidly-changing-policy-positions-n547801

Voting for him because you think he’s an incredible businessman? HE IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN A HORRIBLE BUSINESSMAN: http://www.newsweek.com/2016/08/12/donald-trumps-business-failures-election-2016-486091.html

Hate how poor people abuse the system and just take take take? HE HAS ABUSED THE SYSTEM AND TAKEN TAKEN TAKEN MORE THAN ANYONE: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/18/nyregion/donald-trump-tax-breaks-real-estate.html

Think he’s a populist who has your best interests at heart? HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU AND NEVER HAS: http://www.salon.com/2016/07/09/dont_be_fooled_trumps_populist_economic_rhetoric_is_a_fraud/

Believe a president should be a decent and kind person who does nice things for others? TRUMP CAN’T PROVE HE’S DONATED MORE THAN $10,000 TOTAL OVER THE LAST SEVEN YEARS: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-promised-millions-to-charity-we-found-less-than-10000-over-7-years/2016/06/28/cbab5d1a-37dd-11e6-8f7c-d4c723a2becb_story.html

Want a president you can have a beer with? Fine. Me, I want a president who’s WAY SMARTER THAN ME, NOT ONE WITH A VOCABULARLY ON PAR WITH A SIXTH GRADER: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/03/18/trumps-grammar-in-speeches-just-below-6th-grade-level-study-finds/

Do you support gun rights? GUESS WHAT HE DOESN’T (IF YOU’RE BLACK): http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2016/09/donald-trump-gun-rights-stop-frisk

Believe that our president should always put our nation’s interests ahead of his or her own? HOW THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION’S FOREIGN BUSINESS TIES COULD UPEND U.S. NATIONAL SECURITY: http://www.newsweek.com/2016/09/23/donald-trump-foreign-business-deals-national-security-498081.html

Are you a woman? http://www.newsweek.com/2016/09/23/donald-trump-foreign-business-deals-national-security-498081.html

And maybe you’d even like a president who cares about veterans, and all Americans who fight and die for all that we hold dear. IT APPEARS TRUMP SURE DOESN’T: http://time.com/4422456/donald-trump-veterans-message/

This could go on for a while, but it’s just too much. I can’t take it, and I can’t believe how many Americans support him despite all this. He is the worst of the worst of the worst. You, however, are good. You are decent and kind, smart and reasonable. You’ve been bullied and didn’t like it. You’ve fallen on hard times and worked hard to get out of it. You’ve been there for others, and others have been there for you.

You are good, and if for no other reason than that, Donald Trump is unworthy of your vote.*

Thank you for my birthday gift! I love it!

*Or you’re not. Or you’re a racist and an asshole and a selfish jerk who doesn’t care about anyone or anything, loves picking on the little guy, blames everyone else for your own mistakes, and would rather see the world burn than see a woman be president. In which case, I’ll let the internet’s best ranter Drew Magary take it from here: http://www.gq.com/story/a-word-for-donald-trump-voters