My story, not my ending

Hello All,
My name is Alexander Nikban. I am 21 year old from the San Francisco Bay Area. I'm your typical twenty-something- trying to find my way in this massive world we call home. Up until recently I thought I had it all figured out. I was working a great job, had a ton of friends and did basically whatever I wanted. I was naive to the hard work it takes to survive on your own because I always had someone or something to catch me when I fell. I forgot to mention one thing- I'm gay. Gay doesn't define me. It doesn't make me the person I am. It has put me through a different struggle in life than I thought it would. This is my story, my struggle, my fight with society and myself to be accepted and feel happy in a world who I've felt so shut out by. I grew up in a small town in the Bay Area called Orinda. I spent the first 10 years of my life in a city closer to the city, Alameda. My parents had bought a house in Orinda years before I was born but we never lived there so they rented it out. Eventually the opportunity arose for my parents to move my brothers and I to the hills. I was extremely opposed to the idea, but being 10 years old I had no choice. I had to start completely over and I wasn't happy about it. I always knew I was different. I could never point my finger on it but there was never a doubt in my mind that I wasn't the same as every other boy. The first few months in this new town, I battled to make friends. I would spend my lunches watching all the other groups of well-established friends play around. I wanted so badly to fit in but just couldn't seem to make friends with any of the other kids. This began my life long battle with feeling rejected by everyone around me. I tried everything I could to be liked by the other kids, I even made my mom buy me new clothes so I could impress the other kids. Nothing. Nothing worked. My mother always tried to ask me how my day was and I would completely shut her out. I didn't want to speak. I just wanted to be left alone. As time progressed, I got used to being alone. It was how I functioned. I didn't know how to express myself in a social setting. At the age of 11, I met a girl. She was a new girl at the school, but she didn't dress like a girl- she wore boys clothes. All I knew about her is that she was different like me. We began hanging out at school- at this point I wasn't aware of my sexuality but something drew us together. Overtime she became my best friend. We spent all of our time together and for once in my life I didn't feel alone. I had finally met someone who didn't fit in with the crowd but we fit perfectly together. I told her everything- she was the best friend I never had. Over the last two years of elementary school we formed a friendship that would stand the test of time. Little did I know she would become one of the most important people in my life, even out of high school. Our friendship continued onto into 6th grade- as did my problems. Although things got better and I began to finally have a presence and friends, I couldn't shake feeling like I did not fit in. The area I grew up in was an extremely wealthy area. It was not racially diverse- or accepting of anybody different for that matter. The growing feeling inside me that I was not like everyone else finally came to it's boiling point. I liked boys. My parents come from two completely different worlds. My mother was born here in the Bay Area and was so completely accepting to different types of people. My dad was born in Iran, a country in the Middle East. I didn't know much about his family, I had never met them. All I knew is from the time I was able to communicate with him-we never got along. He was not accepting to people who were different. When I was 10, my brother was born with a rare disease, it completely rocked my parents world. I saw my parents hurt more than I could have ever imagined but I also saw my parents marriage start to crumble in the process. With the combination of my family issues and my own issues- I was in for a long battle to rise above the circumstances I was given. The friendship I had with the girl I met in elementary school would keep me afloat and guide me through the next 10 years of my life. When I was 13 I had finally made a small group of friends, mostly at different schools. I felt much better about my situation and not so alone. I was finally able to tell one of my girlfriends that I was gay. It was a freeing experience but was a small hurdle to get over in comparison to the things I would deal with in the coming years. At school I was teased, bullied and ostracized for being different. Word spread like wildfire. I hated school. I hated everything about it. I was beyond OK with my own sexuality but my peers were not. The friendship I had built with Starr finally made sense. She came out to me. From then I held on tight to what we had. She was someone I could confide in. When she was not at school I felt lost. My grades suffered. I couldn't focus, I felt trapped. I wished that the next 7 years would just fly by. Once I got to high school the bullying was at it's worst- I still had not come out to my Dad. I was so beyond afraid of what he would say, what he would do. I hid it from him completely. I had people coming to my house to throw eggs, hotdogs, toilet paper at my car. How was I supposed to explain that to my angry father? On top of the issues at school, my home life wasn't any better. My parents marriage was a complete mess- fighting almost every night. I would lock myself in my room for hours on end. I wanted to get away. I had no hope for my future and thought I would never find a way out. Like I mentioned earlier- my grades suffered. In 10th grade I would sleep through half the day, fighting with my mom not to go to school. I looked for every excuse I could to get out of going to school & being called a faggot. 90% of the time I spent feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't get out of this rut, this awful feeling I always had hanging over me. I felt so unwanted, I gave up and stopped trying. Little did I realize that college would have been my way out. No one in my family had finished college besides my father. My mother worked part-time but was mostly busy raising us. My Dad worked all the time and was never home. My mom was both parents to us. Every baseball game, every school event, anything we needed- she was there. My father was the financial support but was almost invisible in my life. At the time I didn't want him to be apart of my life, I resented his presence. It drew me extremely close to my mom, which I still am to this day. The problems in my household ran deep. From the time I was a baby my parents did not get along. They said they stayed together for their kids- which was ultimately a detriment to us. 4 boys who needed their father, but never had one who cared enough to be around. Maybe it was his way of showing affection, by providing us with materialistic items. If you would have asked my 13 year old self- I would have said that's the way I wanted it. Now 21 years old, I wish I could rewind time to have my father in my life. Despite the signs of my sexuality, my mother never mentioned anything to me about me being gay. One day while I was at school I got a text from her "Is there something you are hiding from me? We need to talk ASAP. I am so upset." I knew exactly what it was about. My worst fear. I thought I was going to sail through school, get out, and never have to tell my parents. Unfortunately in a small town, it was impossible to hide anything. Everyone talked. I fought to make it through everyday. Depression lingered over my head. I was never suicidal. I just had this dark cloud over my head, every single day. It seemed like everyone around me was happy except for me. I constantly asked myself where I went wrong in life. What did I do to be given this burden? Now I see it as a blessing, had I known then what I know now. It seemed like every day I was in the counseling office, crying, pleading to get out. My junior year was a breaking point. I wanted to give up. I couldn't bare the thought of another 2 years in that environment. I begged my parents to let me do independent study. No. No that wasn't the option. Junior year was probably the most difficult year. I watched all the other kids around me start their college applications but because of the home/school environment I was in I didn't have the grades nor the drive to go to a 4 year college. On top of that my parents financial situation spiraled out of control. I felt like nothing was in my favor. From the time I was 16 I worked odd end jobs, trying to find a way to save money and create something better for myself, someway out of the box I was in. Unfortunately, my spending problem arose and would prove to be a way for me to escape my problems- by spending every dollar I had. Surprisingly, my senior year things started to look like they were turning around. I finally turned 18 and my world was opened to the gay scene of San Francisco. I finally found a way to be around people who were like me and I loved it. As innocent as going out to the club to dance was, it ruined any chance I had of bringing my grades up my senior year. At this point I was still not out to my Dad, I would lie about where I was going on Thursday Nights, just so I could get away. With the clubbing began the drinking. I drank away my problems. Everything that was bothering me- school, home, life- I drank away. After 4 long years of battling with the demons inside me, figuring out who I was and where I wanted to go, it was finally coming to end and so I thought everything would change. I stuck through the pain and the unhappiness and graduated with the Class of 2011. This is something that seems so easy to some. It's high school. It was the most emotional moment of my entire life. I remember as they called my name to walk across the stage- I looked at my parents in the stands. I looked at my mom, the person who helped me and encouraged me to make it through. To hold on everyday and to not give up. Those morals she taught me in high school would ultimately carry on into my adult life. It was surreal. I had survived those 4 years and proved to everyone who told me I would be nothing- including my father- that I was on my way to something better. I was leaving behind my childhood, good and bad, to make a life that I wanted. High school wasn't all bad, I continued to be friends with one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Our friendship lasted from 10 years old until we were 19. She fought those battles with me, she was there every step of the way. We both had struggled to make it through school but we did it. I met a whole new set of demons after I graduated. I still lived with my parents. I watched all the people I knew, move away to create their own lives. As happy as I was that I was moving on, I couldn't help but realize I hadn't done the best job in creating an adult life for myself. I was the one person who wanted to get out of Orinda so bad, but I hadn't been able to. I worked aimlessly. Trying to find a way in life. My problems at home were at their all time worst. I continued to party, to numb the problems and the pain. At 19 years old I still hadn't come out to my dad. My mom was hiding my sexuality from him because we were both afraid of the outcome. I watched my parents struggle and fight with each other everyday. I didn't understand why. I didn't want to. I would constantly get in the middle and defend my mom. She was my best friend. As my parents relationship got worse, so did mine and my fathers. I felt like a failure and he made sure to remind me of it every single day. We physically fought. I had so much pent up anger. He had abandoned me when I needed him. He didn't make himself a part of my life. In April 2013, my parents separated. One night my dad sat there with us, saying how much he hated gay people. How he couldn't stand them. He knew. He knew, he was poking me trying to get a reaction. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Your own parent. They made you, they brought you into this world. How could you hate me? On my own time I was finally able to tell him. I was able to release what I had been holding inside me for years. I was able to breathe. For the next few months our relationship began to change. For once I could see the father I had been wanting to see my whole life. I was still struggling with my inner demons. Besides feeling rejected by my peers and my family- I also felt because of my parents disharmony, I was unable to have a relationship myself. I felt ugly. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I hated who I was. I hated me. Who could love me? Despite having made many friends after high school- I still felt completely alone. This continued to be a theme in my life. It was like I had blinders on and couldn't see the happiness surrounding me. I was blind to the freedom that was right in front of me- no matter how much I wanted it, I couldn't seem to find it. When I was 19 I turned to drugs for help, which was probably the worst decision I ever made. Molly- she was the answer to my problems, or so I thought. I was brought into a world I never knew before- It was incredible. The pill made me feel like all my problems just melted away. Nothing mattered, I was finally happy. After months of using every now and again, I plummeted into a spiraling depression. I thought I knew was depression was, I was extremely wrong. I had fallen into a hole that I felt like I would never get out of. During that year, I lost friends, my job and all the hope I had in my body. I am still battling the depression to this very day. In November 2013- after the fighting in my household became unbearable- I was taken in by a very close friend. I had worked with this person for over a year and during this transition period, he had been like a father to me. For the first time in my life I had felt a sense of belonging. I felt like I mattered. I felt like someone could finally hear my cry for help. I had been crying for help and it was like no one could ever hear me. Then I finally realized I had to want to help MYSELF. I can honestly say realizing that changed my entire life. My whole life I had been depending on someone to come and save me. I was waiting for something that was never going to happen. I had to pick myself up, dust myself off and change EVERYTHING that I had ever known. I had to realize my circumstances in life were shitty, they weren't easy but I had the answers all in my head. I just needed to find them within myself. Now I'm 21 years old. I am still fighting the demons of my 16 year old self. I struggle everyday to deal with the things in my past. I am still figuring out how to move past them. For my whole life I have let others define who I am. I have let life knock me down and let it keep me down. I have felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. Happiness is not GIVEN to you, and anyone who says otherwise is completely wrong. I've always thought that life wasn't fair. I've wished I could be someone else. I've wished I could change my circumstances. I have been given this life because I have the chance to make it everything I want and more. I have the power within me to be ANYONE I want to be. I don't have to let my past define me. I have been placed on this earth to change peoples lives, including my own. For anyone who is reading this and struggling- please know I am with you. Life is never perfect. Life isn't easy but it is so worth it. Don't let anyone tell you you aren't worth it. You have the power to be anyone you want, DO NOT be defeated. Stand up strong and put out Positive Vibez. This blog is my life story, my struggles, my pains but also my happiness, what I have to give to this world and what I have to give to you. I've struggled to find my purpose in life but if I can share what I've been through and help you understand it will get better, I've found more than I ever bargained for. Follow me on my journey. Be my shadow. This life is beautiful, amazing and powerful. Reflecting on your past will allow you to have a better future. You can't move forward if you don't know where you've come from. All the tools to happiness are inside you. There's no magic formula. Take pride in how far you've come and have strength in how far you will go. Much love XO