Bullwinkle And Rocky Spin In Graves Causing Earthquakes
Geophysicists debate whether Putin/Trump White-house is responsible or if Mother Earth is just shaking in fear
Frostbite Falls Minnesota, an area not well known for earthquakes, has nevertheless become the epicenter for several earthquakes that baffle the experts. Upon learning that the town cemetery is the eternal resting place of one Moose and Squirrel, known at the height of the cold war as heroes defending the United States Of America, Frostbite Mayor Jo Blow has declared it is probably due to the advent of the Putin/Trump administration.
“Every one knows that Mr. Trump virtually ended the cold war single-handedly by falling like a Berlin Wall for Mr. Putin. Bullwinkle and Rocky risked their lives to defend the USA, but they are fallen, forgotten heroes.”
Recently the Trump family has come under criticism for making billion dollar deals for Ivanka Trump’s fashion line with Super villains Boris Badenov, Erik Prince, and Nastasha Fatale. Asked for a statement Ms. Fatale explained:
“Moose and squirrel have no sense of style, Dahling. Also, daaaade as nuclear treaties, dahling. Is new world now! Woman like Ivanka and I can be anything — as long as beautiful girl.”
Reporter Annie Notes then turned to Mayor Blow and asked if the mayor is implying that the two heroes, both deceased, and formerly fictional, were causing the earthquakes by unusually high centrifugal forces beneath their grave sites, as some geophysicists theorized.
“I think it’s true.” She replied. “Things seem, I don’t know, less normal. More confusing, more chaotic. Somehow absurdist.”
An inquiry made to the White House for comment was met by Sean Spicer demanding that the reporter stop shaking her head, because, quote: “It is FAKE news that is shaking up everything, and POTUS could not be more clear. Russia is now a beloved ally.”
Mr. Spicer continued to bark out orders to other reporters such as:
“You, Fake News CNN, stop looking up here. You, are you from FOX? you’re okay then… John Evans, stop taking notes. You, woman in green, get OUT!”
When asked repeatedly about Bullwinkle and Rocky specifically, he indicated by a hand gesture that he was taking no more earthquake questions. Instead he began talking about how President Trump is shaking hands “this very minute” with yet another strongman leader Egyptian leader el Sissi.
Several reporters then asked about human rights abuses.
“We are against human rights abuses. These are stupid, fake news questions. This is a witch hunt. Only those who WE say can have privacy will have it, and President Trump wants full exposure of his greatness with no disclosure of any alleged Un-greatness. Of which there is none. Because He is great.”
Another topic raised by reporters was the newly mandated “Hand-maiden” laws which automatically cancel all women’s healthcare except for indentured servitude in reproduction. Set to begin on May Day, the laws also require that women are not allowed to have lunch with men, (except for aforementioned reproduction control) and most especially, women are not allowed to dine with Vice President Pence.
One MSNBC reporter was removed by security after inquiring whether Erik Prince, super villain and torture yoga instructor, had any recent ties with Badenov, Fatale, and his sister, Re-Education Secretary Betsy DeVos.
Concerns about the ACA, women, minorities, lost EPA jobs, and toxins, and climate were also ignored, although one offensive question from a senior Fox executive that implied all “super sexy Fox” woman [sic] “just ask for it.” was allowed.
Before leaving in a huff, Mr. Spicer screeched at the reporters that they did not appreciate the “power of President Trump to make a Cold War into a Hot Peace.”
Or maybe it was piece. No one asked for clarification, due to the showers of spit and nasty-lunch bits frequently spewed from the podium.