I remember looking at you.
I remember looking at you and a pang on the chest hits me.
I remember looking at you.
And it hurts.
More than you know and more than I know.
As I do my school works, and you have finished yours, I can’t help but stare at you. Why was it so easy for you? Why was it so easy for you to finish everything, if we haven’t even started yet?
Why was it so easy for you to end our four years of friendship with for easy words?
“I don’t like you.”
That was the greatest heartbreak of my life. For four years, we have done everything together. I have seen you grow to be the person you are right now. From the laughters, the cries, and the struggles we have shared together, I have cherished every moment. But can you blame me?
Can you even blame your friend from falling in love with you? Is it so wrong to develop my feelings if we have been together for four years?
What hurts more than those words is that it seems like hurting me doesn’t affect you. Like hurting me is just an ordinary thing to do. They told me that if you love someone, hurting them means hurting yourself too. But why didn’t I see the pain in your eyes? Was that because you never really cared for me? Or maybe because I was really just nobody to you?
Being stuck in the friendzone doesn’t hurt. What hurts is that the person I love doesn’t even care that I get hurt. That the person I’ve considered my favorite one for almost four years doesn’t even notice that I exist. When he doesn’t even respond no matter how many messages I send.
At times, I question, how can he even sleep at night knowing that a person can’t because it hurts? And how can he, knowing that the cause of the pain is him?
I guess some people were born to teach a lesson. I guess he’s born to teach mine. But at times, I wonder, do the four years even count? Do the four stomps of feet, three tears of joy, two loud shrieks and all the laughter I shared with him even count? Do they even matter to him? Or was everything just for a show?
Yes, they say that I’m stuck in the friendzone. But I don’t really think that I am.
I think I am stuck with a person who doesn’t even treat me as a person who gets hurt.
I think I am stuck with a person who will continuously hurt me.
Unless I get out. Unless I release myself.
But I think that will be impossible for me to do, knowing that I’m still hooked up to the memory of us…. to the four years of joy, sadness, despair, and hope. To the four years of being with him, even if everything was just a pretentious crap for him.
Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to work. That’s love, right? Making myself look stupid just for him to feel the love that I don’t even give to yourself. For him to feel the love that I deny to myself.
But don’t worry.
This will be over.
Soon. I will learn to love myself.
And maybe… just maybe.
It is through that, that I will begin to set free of what’s hurting me.
I will begin to let you go.