Together, Alone
Global self-isolation imposed by the Corona crisis offers a unique opportunity to re-examine how to better use (and not use) our devices and the internet to combat loneliness, improve our mental health and cultivate more meaningful human connection.
As someone who deeply values interpersonal relationships, communication skills and purposeful use of my time, I have mixed feelings about technology. I have written about how our interactions with our devices and social media can isolate us, increase loneliness and downgrade our increasingly valuable human (soft) skills here.
Following are some thoughts and tips on how to more purposefully engage with our devices in the days, weeks, and potentially months we spend self-isolating to try to slow the spread of this virus.
Zoom, video conference and FaceTime win the day
Did you know that humans are capable of more than 250,000 facial expressions (1)? While it has become increasingly popular to text vs. talk, a growing body of research shows that face-to-face communication cultivates empathy and feeling connected (a topic Sherry Turkle richly explores in her book Reclaiming Conversation if you want to dig deeper). Using the various means of video conferencing at our disposal will be critical for our mental health and feeling more connected to colleagues and loved ones during this difficult time. Don’t take it from me, here’s what a NASA commander who spent a year in a space station had to say about it:
“Even with all the responsibilities of serving as commander of a space station, I never missed the chance to have a videoconference with family and friends. Scientists have found that isolation is damaging not only to our mental health, but to our physical health as well, especially our immune systems.”
Personally I am challenging myself to at least 3 video calls per day (outside work) with friends and family. This has made a huge difference for my 73 year old mother. Further, my men’s group has moved to Zoom and online group fitness and meditation have been game changers. Here is an amazing list of online resources to leverage. For anyone looking for a challenging bodyweight workout that also clears stress I recommend theclass.com and instructor Jaycee Gossett in particular. For meditation I have really enjoyed Jay Shetty’s daily 20 minute live meditation which he has been hosting on Facebook and Instagram.
Streamline your Social Media
Earlier this month at the Wisdom 2.0 conference in San Francisco, I spent time with Dr. Vivek Murthy, the 19th Surgeon General of the United States. Vivek has become an authority on loneliness stating that it was the most common condition he experienced as a doctor. He also noted how often the way we spend our time does not reflect our values, which typically on social media are looks, fame, wealth, power and possessions. If you curate your social media feeds to reflect these things, the result is often a feeling of lack as opposed to inspiration, growth, fulfillment and meaningful connection.
Personally, I have gone to great lengths to make my social feeds a place for enrichment. I follow people/accounts which inspire me, my growth, activities I enjoy or wish to learn more about, things that make me laugh and the friends and family members who keep it real by posting authentically. In doing so, I ensure my scrolling is time well spent and doesn’t increase feelings of loneliness or feeling ‘less than.’ I also limit my Instagram to 30 minutes a day using the Screen Time function on my iPhone, a how-to here.
Consciously limit your news & media exposure
It is widely known that news/media cycles during Presidential election years are dominated by fear. With the added specter of a worldwide pandemic, the headlines can be totally overwhelming. I’ve talked with many friends and family about this over the past two weeks and feel strongly that while ignoring the news is irresponsible, limiting news exposure throughout the day is critical. I recommend disabling news notifications on devices with the exception of critical text or email based notifications for whatever state, region or city you live in. While this is a deeply personal choice, I find that checking the news more than three times a day is detrimental to my productivity, mental state and ability to stay present/show up for work, family and friends. And I never check the news within an hour of my bedtime — like all of us, I need my rest. Bottom line: Fear is paralyzing and can prevent us from making sound and important decisions. Limiting our devices’ ability to trigger fear is a critical step towards smart self-care.
Create tech free spaces
As most of us grapple with working from home while parenting out-of-school kids and/or looking after loved ones it is challenging to know where the office ends and home life begins. I strongly believe that having tech-free/device-free space in the home is a key way to stay sane and create sacred space for building interpersonal connection and emotional intimacy; something we all need more of right now. I recommend keeping phones out of the bedroom altogether, a practice strongly endorsed by my friend and relationship/couples expert Esther Perel. Also, depending on your setup, keeping devices out of the kitchen or dining room to reserve those for family time, conversation and contemplation is also a good idea.
Embrace solitude and boredom
Nowadays, it is not uncommon to mistake solitude for loneliness. As Sherry Turkle observes in Reclaiming Conversation:
“We slip into thinking that that always being connected will make us less lonely. But we are at risk because it is actually the reverse: If we are unable to be alone, we will be more lonely.”
“when people are alone, or feel a moment of boredom, they tend to reach for a device. In a movie theater, at a stop sign, at the checkout line at a supermarket and, yes, at a memorial service, reaching for a device becomes so natural that we start to forget that there is a reason, a good reason, to sit still with our thoughts: It does honor to what we are thinking about. It does honor to ourselves.”
As someone with many years of deep personal growth work under my belt, I know firsthand that being alone with one’s thoughts, especially in times of emotional distress, can be quite painful. However, it is through solitude that we give ourselves time to reset, examine values and determine where growth is needed. Solitude is a key ingredient to showing up more authentically and purposefully for ourselves and for our relationships. Consider how to use this time of self-isolation as an opportunity for personal growth.
Similarly, boredom has benefits! As Sapiens author Yuval Noah Harari extolls the benefits of boredom as a fountainhead for creativity and new ideas. In a recent podcast he said “the inability to deal with boredom is our greatest weakness.”
When you get bored, challenge yourself not to reach immediately for the dopamine hit your device or laptop can provide and lean into understanding whatever feelings come up. So often we use our technology to regulate our emotions and being emotionally aware during these uncertain times is more important than ever.
Support others to support yourself
Think about who you are called to support in this time and use video conferencing to connect with them. When you don’t have time for video conference, send them texts or emails to let them know you’re thinking of them and ask how they’re doing. There are a plethora of studies which show doing service/supporting others is a surefire way to get out of your own head and feelings of loneliness.
Lastly, if you feel compelled, share on social what you are doing in terms of self care — we are all fighting cabin fever, deep uncertainty, massive change and potentially the virus itself. Acknowledging the ways in which you are caring for your own mental, emotional and physical health encourages others to do the same.
the mind is a series of patterns
if we wish to change ourselves
We should create new habits
when we build new habits
we create a new life
Stay safe out there and stay home!
Email: alexschwartz50@mac.com Instagram: @alexschwartznyc
