MY MEANING: PART I
A brief story and poem like of what goes in my brain, almost every day.
I’m not who is used to be
I mean it’s true I have better understanding of life
But I’m letting myself down
Ya no doy lo que antes dí
No soy nada de lo que creí
I’m tired to be one who has shown
I’m letting my family down
They see me like an example
They see me like a star
But don’t they see that I don’t know where to start
I used to get good grades
From the start to the end straight A’s
Now I don’t even get B’s
Son how is school going?
My mom asks from time to time
Which I lie and say it’s going great
But only if she knew what’s really happening
I feel that I’m in a big seat
Which I can’t fulfill
This thing called life is only uphill
My uncles, aunts, cousins they look up to me
Me han perdonado todas las veces que les mentí
But somehow I can’t forgive myself
I don’t see me as a role model
It’s too much pressure
There is many things that I have and had to endure
I wish I was someone Nobel
There are days that I go without eating
Wasting my time looking at a computer
My life every day is shirking
I’m still mad at my father
I said that God hasn’t helped me
But that’s just me a being prick
I smile but there’s more of what you see
Since my great grandma died
I swore I would never cry
And when I remember her I can’t help it, I let my soul do the job
My soft feelings do a mob;
I have had dreams with her when she is still alive
And to be honest I don’t know how much time I will survive
I promised her that I would go back
And death made her attack
She passed away on April 1 of 2016
Since then I guess that’s why I have low self-esteem
I made a promise that couldn’t make true
And I know she made me to be strong, resilient and told me not to act like a fool
She used to wait for me to come home from the street
She used to lose her sleep
Until she knew that I got home safe
And she would tell me from her room
I know you didn’t have dinner in the microwave is your food
She wants me to be a good man
A respectable one
She taught me how to be independent
She always told me you are so intelligent
She prepared me for everything and anything
And I know she wanted me to be with my mom
But she didn’t prepared me to be without her
She used to sit at the door when it was raining and said look at it son it’s a big storm
Always telling be humble, but never let someone disrespect you
Be humble but never let your head down
Be humble, but if someone hits you, hit back
I miss making tortillas with her
I miss hugging her, I would fall sleep right at her side
Ella siempre me percinaba cuando iba a salir
Y me decía cuídate mucho hijo
Quédate callado cuando tu mami se enoje fue algunas cosas que me dijo
I feel that I’ve lost myself in this path
3 years ago I would be getting awards and certificates
Now I just get Emails and bills
I can’t figure out why, not even doing the math
Now if you look at me you will se that I Don’t care how you feel
Porta said it; the destiny that I didn’t want is the one that I got
I killed him, I put a bullet in his head
After I made him famous
But somehow people started to hate me more because of him
And even though I love to be arrogant
And show off what Ive worked for
People don’t like that they see it as bad
So I have to be like the rest
But guess what I am the fucking best
That is the mistake
I stopped being me to try to fit
Now I can’t figure out what to do
Now I am just one when I used to be two
But that’s okay…
