General Petraeus Asks Al-Qaeda Leader Ayman Al-Zawahiri for Help Defeating ISIS

To: Ayman al-Zawahiri

From: General David Petraeus

Subject: small favor

Hey, Ayman! It’s been a while. How are the wives and kids? All good over in Pakistan? Or are you in Afghanistan now? I never know. Anyhoo, quick question for you about Syria. I was wondering if maybe you guys want to help us fight ISIS. Now, don’t answer too quickly. I know we’ve had our differences in the past. But I figured, we hate ISIS, and you hate ISIS, so maybe this could be a win-win? Let me know what you think.

To: General David Petraeus

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri

Subject: small favor

General,

In the name of Allah, the Most Mighty, are you certain you meant to send this to me?

To: Ayman al-Zawahiri

From: General David Petraeus

Subject: small favor

Ayman! You crack me up! Of course I meant to send that to you. We’ve got some common interests, you and me. In the States, we call that Synergy. I saw in the news that you guys are trying to rebrand, and I thought: How about a moderatejihadi revolution? More like jihadish? Here’s your chance! Go fight the super extremists and you’ll look less extreme-y. Whaddya think?

To: General David Petraeus

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri

Subject: small favor

General,

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, are you not mindful of the decades al-Qaeda has fought to destroy the Far Enemy of the infidel Zionist-loving United States? What would our Brothers think of such an alliance? I have a reputation to uphold.

To: Ayman al-Zawahiri

From: General David Petraeus

Subject: small favor

Ayman.

I get it. It’s a little awkward. But I say, let bygones be bygones. That’s all water under the hundreds of bridges we’ve destroyed the past few years, am I right? Anyway, taking down the Far Enemy was always Osama’s thing. I see this as a chance for you to really make your mark as a leader of al-Qaeda. Do something unexpected! Besides, we’ve had common objectives before. We wanted Osama gone. You wanted Osama gone. It’s like we’ve been working toward the same goal for years!

To: General David Petraeus

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri

Subject: small favor

O how the Brothers weep under the cloud of irony that enshrouds the message of the infidel!

To: Ayman al-Zawahiri

From: General David Petraeus

Subject: small favor

You’re playing coy, and I like it. Look, the haters are going to hate. They’ll say I don’t know my history. But we’ve done this sort of thing before, including just a few years ago in Iraq. Remember when we asked some moderate Sunnis to help us defeat you guys? And it worked! And if it worked just a few years ago, it should work now, right? Not like much has changed in the region. And, you may recall, back in the 1980s, we helped you guys get the Soviets out of Afghanistan. The Soviets left and that was the end of the story. Let’s do it again! Just put a few of your more moderate guys on it. Big push on “countering violent extremism” here in Washington, and you know how sensitive Beltway politics can be (eye roll!).

To: General David Petraeus

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri

Subject: small favor

With Allah as my witness, yes! The Brothers will continue fighting the false ISIS that calls itself the true Caliphate, as we have already been doing, in exchange, Allah willing, for the following:

1,368 Stinger missiles

175 heavy M1A1 Abrams tanks

1,253 Humvees

3,694 M2.5 caliber machine guns

4,635 MK-19 40mm grenade launchers

5,688 Georgetown Cupcakes (assorted flavors. We hear they are delicious.)

To: Ayman al-Zawahiri

From: General David Petraeus

Subject: small favor

Ayman, my friend. Who cares if Allah is willing? General Dynamics and Raytheon are! The cupcakes are a tall order, though. Have you ever seen the line at that place? I’ll send an intern.

We’ll wrap all that up for you and deliver it ASAP. But I’m trusting you, Ayman, only the less extreme-y al-Qaeda jihadis get to handle the hardware. Agreed?

To: General David Petraeus

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri

Subject: small favor

General,

You have my word.

Peace be upon you, at least until we may crush your kafir culture that spreads vileness and depravity.

;-p

Ayman