ISIS Responds to CIA’s Parody Twitter Account
On Twitter, the handle @ISIS_fake claims to be a parody account set up by the CIA as a propaganda tool against the Islamic State. According to Clickhole.com, “The CIA considers the ISIS parody account to be one of the most potent weapons in its counterterrorist arsenal.”
This week, intelligence officials got their hands on a secret, internal ISIS document related to CIA’s latest tactics against the terrorist group. We have translated it for you here.
FROM: THE DESK OF THE CALIPH EMIR ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI
“Aiming for Global Domination Since 610”
TO: ALL ISLAMIC STATE JIHADIS
SUBJECT: CIA-RUN ISIS TWITTER FEED
Glad tidings and good wishes upon you, as they will be needed as we go forth in our journey to face new challenges. The kafir CIA has launched @isis_fake, marking a major escalation in the propaganda war we are waging online, one that, by Allah, we have been dominating. This new threat from the Crusaders will require all Brothers to rise up as one!
But first things first: Who in Allah’s name leaked to the CIA that I love Anthony Bourdain? O traitor among you who shared my innermost secrets with the Infidels! Bourdain, Peace be upon Him, has long been my mental refuge, my escape, my personal piece of Paradise to lift my spirits as I endured the hardships necessary in our great jihad. Indeed, when I picture Paradise, it is not 72 virgins I see, but 72 Bourdains. In my dreams, he helps me break free from whatever shackles encumber me, keeping so much more than just my kitchen confidential.
But now the CIA is using this man I admire against me! He has become an agent of the Crusaders, which finally explains why he needs no reservations but I, the emir of the world’s most ruthless terrorist group, can’t get a good table at Falafel House down the street.
We shall turn the tide against this menace the CIA has placed before us. O Brothers in Marketing, I summon you to contact Bourdain and insha’Allah he will come record an episode in my sister’s kitchen. Thanks to Allah, she’s really quite a good cook.
But Brothers, the treachery does not end there, as the CIA is using Alfredo sauce in an attempt to weaken our movement. We will not bow to humiliation in the face of food terrorism! For our traitor misspoke. Long ago I stopped eating pasta with Alfredo sauce, unshackling myself from the domination of gluten and freeing my intestines from the havoc it wreaked.
Rather, Brothers, I suspect it was my love for Fredo in the Godfather movies that got lost in this traitor’s spill of secrets to the Crusading spies. Oh, doom that Fredo was so misunderstood, facing evil pressure from Sonny and Michael and even his own father. As the fifth child of my father’s sixth wife, I can relate to the need for validation and by Allah I have found my path to receive it!
The Crusaders seem also to have discovered that all our glorious mujahidin are sharing one single Netflix account. I call upon our Brothers in Legal to ensure our account remains in good state with uninterrupted service, insha’Allah.
And now we must rise together, Brothers, by Allah, to counter this threat. I summon the Brothers in Marketing to put your heads together, O those of you who still have them, and create our own @CIA_fake handle to spread our own propaganda 140 characters at a time.
And the first of the tweets shall read: “We can’t deny it! We loved the movie ‘The Fifth Estate.’ #CumberbatchUndercoverPlease.” And another shall read: “We disguised Ben Affleck’s penis for Argo.”