Jihadi Cosmo: Looking for Mr. (Extremely Far) Right? Here’s How to Find Your Own Personal Caliph!

Ladies, he’s available!

The Islamic State, or Daesh, has been actively recruiting women from the United States and Europe to join the jihad in Iraq and Syria. Jihadi Cosmo met with the head of IS’s new Marriage Bureau to discuss what all the fuss is about.

This is a shout out to the ladies in the West!

Deep in Islamic State territory, surrounded by charred remains of cedar trees that can be put in the closet to keep clothes smelling fresh and a pile of rubble that was once her apartment building, Uma Fatima surfs the Internet during the one hour a day her office has electricity. Using an auto tweet app, she lines up a series of tweets that will continue to promote her cause once the Internet connection inevitably drops again.

“Girls just want to have fun, beeyatch!” said Uma Fatima, head of the Islamic State’s new Marriage Bureau, charged with finding young wives for future martyrs in the struggle for a new caliphate. She and her band of indistinguishable sisters in burqas are using social media to let women everywhere know that Syria and Iraq are Ground Zero right now for finding love.

“Eligible men from all over the world have flocked here to kill infidels,” she said. “But what they’re really looking for is someone to love.”

The Marriage Bureau matches brides-to-be with muscular militants and acts as a central gathering point for women wanting to join in on the fun.

“You’ll find a group of like-minded women looking to help a cause and find a man,” Uma Fatima told Jihadi Cosmo. “We’re basically a sorority, with pillow fights, teen pregnancies, and beheadings.”

Daeshbags in Baghdad

The Marriage Bureau handles all the details of a modern mujahidin marriage to a Western girl.

“Our wedding planners are very creative and follow industry trends,” said Uma Fatima. “They are required to take a course on Kimye’s wedding.”

She added that they work hard to blend tradition with necessity. “Instead of a bouquet, many brides have chosen to carry a bucket of dirt,” she said. “Or, instead of a wall of flowers, we can decorate with a wall of broken bricks, which can be surprisingly appealing when guests start shooting celebratory gunfire in the air.”

Brides can also sign up for the IS bridal registry. Gifts include everything a new wife could need to set up a household that revolves around her man, including fine china for target practice, his and her keys to Paradise, and an isolated garden sustained by human tears.

With the official ceremony out of the way, the Marriage Bureau treats the happy couple to a honeymoon bus tour through IS territory.

“Oh! The bus tour is a blast!” said Uma Fatima. “I don’t mean that literally, of course. Well, sometimes the bus does get blasted from the sky. But we just view that as a bonding experience for our newlyweds.”

On the bus, the men sit in the front and the women in the back. “It’s a great way to get to know your new husband,” she said.

The bus plays jihadist tunes to keep passengers rockin’ as they bump over the rocks that used to be World Heritage sites. The bus stops at such famous places as Pile Of Rubble One and Pile Of Rubble Two, the sports arena referred to as the “Beach of the Euphrates” because husbands like to bury their wives in sand there, and the shell of every bombed out Western embassy that cannot help you. But most likely, the new bride will be too wrapped up in emotion and her eye-covering burqa to see much.

After getting to know the back of her husband’s head on the bus tour, it will be time for the new wife to make babies and raise them to be good little martyrs. The Islamic State’s new religion-based educational system takes its playbook directly from Saudi Arabia, banning art and music classes and the word “hypocrite.”

High Flying Adored

IS’s Marriage Bureau has had a great response from one U.S. state in particular: Colorado, where at least four young women over the past few weeks have tried to make their way to their own rugged Romeos they met online.

“You know, in Colorado it’s legal to get stoned,” said Uma Fatima. “And guess what? It’s legal to get stoned here in the Islamic State, too! Your father might even participate!”

Once in the Islamic State, women are shown just how valuable they are to the cause. “We value these young women so much,” said Uma Fatima. “They can never leave. Really. Never. We won’t allow it.”

Tweets from Paradise

Women who have already joined the movement are setting out on Twitter to express their happiness, willingness to sacrifice, and devotion to the cause.

“I will never be able to do justice with words about how this place makes me feel. Trapped and disillusioned? No, those don’t do it,” tweeted one happy wife number three.

“This is an honor with great rewards. Today, my reward was that my husband didn’t kill me. God is great!” said one sister.