Wrongful Termination Letter Filed By Lulu, The CIA Dog Who Was Fired

Lulu is not having it.

Lulu the dog flunked out of CIA bomb-sniffer school because she just didn’t care. –Washington Post

To Woof It May Concern,

I am writing to protest my wrongful termination as a member of CIA’s K9 unit. I believe the responsibility for my failure to live up to stated expectations lies with your organization. I’m a good dog! I’m a very good dog! That is why I am filing this letter, and oh! this paper tastes delicious!

To begin, your job advertisement was misleading. You stated that CIA’s K9 Corp “play a large part in keeping everyone at the CIA safe.” But when I arrived for the job, I found there was very little actual play. Sixteen weeks of training, seven days a week? Talk about ruff! I spoke with some of the other dogs and we are considering unionizing.

Is that a ball in your hand?

No, I will not be distracted! I’m not just going to roll over. Unless you’ll rub my belly. Please rub my belly!

In firing me from the unit, you stated that I showed no interest in sniffing explosive cans. I think this shows narrow thinking on your part. How many terrorists use explosive cans? Wasn’t there a guy who put explosives in his shoe? I love shoes! I will sniff shoes!

Ok, I will admit it: I also sniffed a few butts. Is that what this is really about? Who complained? Was it Steve? In my defense, this is the culture where I come from. I cannot be expected to live up to the same standards as my human colleagues. Also, a terrorist put explosives in his underwear once. Imagine if I had been there to sniff his butt. So again, I think you’re just trying to pigeon hole me. Where’s the pigeon? I love flappy birds!

I was also very insulted by the Washington Post profile of me, which stated that I “just didn’t care.” Who was the anonymous source who spoke to the press without my permission? I can’t be sure, but I have a hunch. You think I didn’t notice the bureaucrat with a picture of nine cats on her desk? And they printed my picture! Do you understand the dangers I now face? How can I sneak up on rabbits if they know what I look like? This will preclude me from ever going undercover again, except for when I leap on the bed and play with the blankets. You can’t see me under here!

Is that bacon?

Please! I cannot fail out of the first all-female puppy class! I was the smallest dog in the class, and Suni and Heide are from the “astronaut litter” for Christ’s sake! How can I compete with that? There must be a role for me! Could I work at CIA headquarters? It’s very hard to type with paws, but I could bound through the corridors excitedly for no reason. Come on, throw me a bone! Seriously, throw me a bone.

I know! I could chase the geese in the courtyard at headquarters. They’re Canadian. No one trusts Canadians. Why are Canadians even allowed in? Canadians are very nice and they might pet me. But I will bark at them!

I could also do sabotage. Release me into the Kremlin and I will pee on their computers or hump Vladimir Putin’s leg. That’s how much I love this country!

Is that a squeaky toy? Don’t wag your tail, Lulu. Do not wag your…SQUEAK!

You know I can’t stay mad at you.