Zawahiri Releases Management Notice to Curb Defections to Islamic State

Someone is not happy.

The media have reported recently that Al-Qaeda has suffered a number of defections to the Islamic State and that Al-Qaeda’s leaders have warned their adherents not to split the mujahidin. An online site that tracks terrorist activities found a management notice from Al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri that addresses the problem. It is translated below.

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri (Peace be upon Him)

To: All Al-Qaeda Franchises

Subject: Defections to the Islamic State

O Brothers spreading the Word from East to West and North to South, from the Maghreb to the Levant to the Caucasus and beyond, I must warn you that a shadowy force is threatening our movement.

Many of our Brothers are choosing to break with the true mujahidin to join with the Islamic State. Lured by the Islamic State’s vibrant luster and youthful energy as though it were a nubile girl just waiting to be a fourth wife, some of our own have turned their backs on us, and I feel I must share my growing concerns before such rifts tear apart the mujahidin. With help from Allah, I have outlined below why there is no mujahidin except the mujahidin, and Al-Qaeda is its One True Leader. The Islamic State cannot be tolerated.

First of all, is it ISIS or ISIL? Why in Allah’s name can they not pick one and stick with it? How many of my electronic communications with their leaders have led to my receipt of a delivery failure notice because I cannot remember who uses and who uses Clearly, the left hand knows not what the right hand is doing and some divine tech support would go a long way. Alhamdulillah!

Second, I am not a huge fan of their logo. It looks like al-Baghdadi’s 6-year-old nephew drew it. Indeed, I heard it was meant as a placeholder until IS’s marketing team could come up with something better, but thanks to their intern, a new recruit named Ahmed, that logo went out on an official tweet and so now it looks like IS is stuck with it.

And on the subject of twitter, we here at Al-Qaeda recognize this is not your father’s jihad. But we beg of you millennial mujahidin: Put down your screens and look around every once in a while! The Greatest Generation of Jihadis fought from caves, afraid to use cell phones and satellite phones, lest the infidels collect our conversations. Yet you tweet and tumbl and instagram. But I remind thee, Brothers, that idolatry is a sin. I asked the shura council for advisement and they have ruled that selfies are no exception.

Also, how is it that, despite the bombs falling around them and the devastation to the infrastructure, IS manages to find a signal? Here I am in a nice intact cave and I can hardly print a document, but in the middle of a devastated town in Syria, IS can still upload? Can someone from our IT department (Peace be upon Him) look into that?

And lo! IS suffers from other hypocrisies, worse even than the idolatry of selfies! Al-Baghdadi has ruled that music is sinful, except for the tinkling tunes of talib of yore. Yet IS is producing flocks of rappers, rhyming scripture with a sick beat from da hood. But while these percussion proclamations are catchy, remember that only Al-Qaeda speaks the T to the R to the U-T-H.

Next, we here at Al-Qaeda understand that IS’s Marriage Bureau is rather alluring, offering honeymoon bus tours and a wedding registry that would make swoon any woman, be she wife or slave. However, we have heard that, due to high demand, IS will have to limit the free honeymoon package for first and second wives only. Any honeymoon you wish to take with a third or fourth wife will be at the mujahidin’s own expense.

As a reminder, Al-Qaeda has long offered the benefit of a Leave Bank, where jihadists donate unused vacation days, making them available for jihadists taking new wives. Indeed, we have long instituted many progressive benefits packages for our militants, including non-usury 401k accounts.

I ask that you share this information with your adherents, especially those deemed at risk of defection. I understand the temptation to drift toward something new and exciting, but we here at Al-Qaeda remain a strong, dedicated, and reliable organization. When it comes to crushing the infidels, we’re still the Number One name in terror.