2023: Book #2— BIG FEELINGS: How to Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay
In January, I published an article for Book #1 in 2023. It’s August now, and nothing could demonstrate the futility of New Year’s resolutions better than this perfect example. I did try reading a few books in between, but I could never bring myself to finish them.
However, let me introduce you to Book #2 of 2023. (I do intend to finish at least 10 books this year, and I hope I can stick to it.)
The book is “Big Feelings: How to Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay” by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy.
In this book, the writers have focused on the seven big feelings that we experience from time to time.
They are:
- Uncertainty
- Comparison
- Anger
- Burnout
- Perfectionism
- Despair
- Regret
I appreciate how they adhered to the number seven, considering our familiarity with the seven cardinal sins, namely pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth. These sins can be counteracted with seven corresponding virtues — humility, charity, chastity, gratitude, temperance, patience, and diligence.
Returning to our article, all of these big feelings are generally negative in nature. They occupy our minds, and if we do not monitor them, they begin to consume us in the most imaginable worst way. Sometimes, they may not appear in isolation and could complement or pair up with each other. For instance, comparing yourself with others might prompt a closer examination of your pursuit of perfectionism. A significant sense of despair might originate from feelings of regret.
Let us touch base on important takeaways from each of these big feelings.
Uncertainty
This is the “we-have-no-idea-what-is-going-to-happen” feeling that leaves unpleasant knots in your stomach, a sharp and unwelcome tingling sensation at the back of your neck, and a scrutinizing pain in your temple. It originates from our assumption that things will unfold exactly as we wish them to. You might be working towards a job deadline, with well-laid-out milestones and schedules, but then suddenly there are revisions in the plan, new unexpected elements from the customer, or perhaps your personal life is thrown into disarray by something you never anticipated could have the power to turn your life upside down.
What to do about it? What we need to acknowledge is that life itself is uncertain. No one prepares you for the small uncertainties that arise every now and then, and the only way to cope is to embrace the uncertainty and go with the flow.
My take: Remember those spontaneous plans that turned out to be the best experiences? That is uncertainty manifesting in the most positive way possible.
Comparison
Getting off social media is not going to guarantee a comparison-free, all-rainbows-and-butterflies mental health. It can be useful in some sense, but you will eventually find other people to compare yourselves to in real life.
It’s also evolutionary advantageous to be hard on ourselves.
Comparison can teach you what you value. It is triggered by envy, which is a strong indicator of what you desire in your life. If you look at your friend with their new house, all nice and shiny, and you feel that uneasy sensation right in the middle of your chest while you have to rent a flat, you know exactly what you need: a shiny new house. You need to work for it. But before you begin working on it, make sure to ask yourself if that is genuinely something you need. And if so, are you ready to put in the effort for it?
What to do about it? Identify what triggers you. Before you compare yourself to others, recognize that their life is different from yours. Everyone has a distinct timeline. Consider comparing yourself with your past self before you criticize yourself for not having what a friend from a more privileged background possesses.
My take: You just have to measure your progress over time and understand you will be a work in progress till you say bubye to this world. As long as you are learning and not repeating your past mistakes, the idea of whether the world has more than what you have is irrelevant and none of your business. Be kind to yourself.
Anger
Personally, this has been a perennially relevant topic for me. Nevertheless, I’ve come to recognize the strides I’ve made in anger management lately. Back when I was younger, I had quite the fiery temper until I reached the age of 21. I’m uncertain about what triggered the change, but I did manage to reduce both the intensity and expression of my anger. Upon closer introspection, it likely stems from embracing the reality of the circumstances around me, comprehending that certain things lie beyond my control, and acknowledging that everyone, much like myself, is a work in progress.
What to do about it? In the book, there’s an activity that delves into expressing anger without relying on the word “angry.” Instead, it encourages you to identify emotions such as displeasure, dissatisfaction, annoyance, rage, resentment, and more. One aspect I found particularly intriguing was the inclusion of “Backpfeifengesicht,” a German word roughly translating to “a face in need of a slap.”
My take: Anger is not necessarily a bad emotion. It indicates to you what is wrong and if used properly will help you to make things right.
Burnout
The book talks about how everyone’s burnout phase is not similar. Burnout is a continuum. The Maslach Burnout Inventory (MBI) is the first clinically-based measure of burnout by psychologist Christina Maslach. It looks at the three dimensions of burnout:
- Exhaustion: You feel constantly depleted.
- Cynicism: You feel detached from things happening around you.
- Ineffectiveness: You feel that you are never able to do a good job.
What to do about it? One of the tips that the writers discuss, which has proven helpful to their readers, is to pause when you sense that your work is engulfing your life, mental well-being, and everything else in your existence. Step away from it for an hour or take a break. Remember that the work will still be waiting, and it inherently lacks the capability to obliterate you in any manner.
My take: The book mentions enmeshment. When you closely tie your self-worth to your work or output, you begin to overlook other significant aspects of yourself. The sole method to disentangle your identity from your work is to pause. (However, there are instances where you can’t simply halt. In such cases, hold on a little longer, and when you finally have the opportunity to pause, take that pause.)
Perfectionism
The internet and our free-market meritocratic system have shot the desire to be perfect by 33 percent in the Western world, over the past 30 years.
What to do about it? Get out of the perfectionist self-narrative. Try avoiding the following prompts when you are working on your identity.
- How well do you do?
- What do you look like?
- What do people think of you?
Who are you without labels or roles? Focus on how your friends see you. What do you need or want if you were free from the expectations of the people around you?
My take: You don’t always have to achieve something out of the things you do. Some things you do are just for experiencing and learning.
Despair
Despair when shared with people who get it and have gone through similar experiences as you have gone through, will help you. But if you share your despair with people who do not get it, it is just going to make things worse for you.
Despair was not even clinically defined with a scaled set of criteria until 2020.
Researchers now point to seven indicators of “despair” emotion: feeling hopeless, having low self-esteem, feeling unloved, worrying frequently, loneliness, helplessness, and feeling sorry for oneself.
What to do about it? Set small intentions for the day. Even a small sense of control can help you get out of this big emotion. Understand that you have to get through the now. Take one day at a time.
My take: I don’t think I have any, for this big feeling. If you are going through it, I hope you work a way out of it.
Regret
The writers explain that there are different types of regrets that exist. Like hindsight regrets — you made the decision that seemed good back then but now you feel like you could have made a different decision because you have more information. Another type I like is ignoring-your-instincts regrets: you had a gut feeling but you never followed it and listened to what others around you told you to do.
What to do about it? Almost all regrets originate from this alternate universe theory that plays in our mind like if I would have done that or if I would have said that. Accept it and move on. Put down the past mistakes, learn from them, and remind yourself what you have gained.
My take: There are so many possibilities of the way our lives could be played out if we would have taken different combinations and permutations of decisions. Somehow, believe that the road your decisions have led you to right now is the optimal one for you.
We are human, and we are going to go through these emotions. These emotions we have can be pleasant or nasty and it is okay. A nasty emotion is not nasty if you handle it well. If this article was interesting for you clap and subscribe (come on, show some love :) ). For further interesting readings checkout:
Social Comparison and Envy on Social Media: A Critical Review
