A Google Search That Reminded Me To Be Me

I found myself “googling”, “how long to wait if she doesn’t text back”.

It’s funny because as silly as I feel searching something like this at the age of 31, I’ve found a well-thought-out article on the subject. Clearly I’m not the only guy that has this question.

To express what I just did is extremely difficult for me. I’ve lived my life fairly closed in. I never really allowed people in my deepest space. As I type these words my ego is screaming at me to explain why and how this search came about. It wants me to direct your mind's judgement about me. But, I’m just “gonna” let it sit there. Which brings me to the article I read.

It was pretty convincing for a minute. I’ll even share the link in case you want context.

But then I realized in that moment that this is absolutely contrary to the way I want to live my life. Now I’m not saying it’s better or worse. I believe there are many benefits to learning “the rules”. However, I am just tired of the idea of manipulation.

Let’s define manipulate real quick.

to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner

Now I know it says, “especially in an unfair manner” but it’s not a requirement. So let’s just stick to managing and influencing.

I’m sick to my stomach of managed or influenced interaction with people. I’m tired of the judgements we make on people we barely know or even our best friends/family. I’m especially tired of the actions I take to protect my ego. I never really learned society’s rules on interactions. I was always oblivious and awkward growing up.

I’m glad! I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to be anything but myself. I do want to learn how to effectively communicate with people. I do want to be considerate and kind in a way they can appreciate and feel safe around.

I, however, don’t want to act in a particular way to facilitate my desires. I don’t want to hide what I feel because it’s “weird” or “unpleasant”. I don’t want to live my life trying to play any games with people.

I want to have genuine human connection. I want to feel safe expressing the great, the good, the bad and the ugly and I want those who around me to feel safe too. I want us as a society to be patient with each other and to let each other know what’s really in our minds and on our hearts without worrying about the repercussions. I want this type of interaction to exist even with strangers because we’re all human.

Maybe this exhaustion stems from my own experiences and has nothing to do with reality. However, I feel a strong lack of genuine honesty and depth and I’m sick of it.

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