Toxic Filipino Culture (and why do we need to discuss this on the table?)
(TW Note: Most situations might not be recommended for you to read if you are currently suffering from a mental health crisis. Read at your own risk.)
I bet most Gen-Z Asians could relate if they have experienced growing up and living in a one-big-happy-extensive family; following traditions that were passed from one generation to another even if it’s irrelevant, old-fashioned, and senseless; and talking back with the elderly was never in their vocabulary — even if you have a good point, they would still call you disrespectful.
Although you might have learned all about the Philippines aside from its geographical location, cultural heritage, jaw-dropping wonders of nature, world-class entertainment of the Filipinos in different fields, and many more; the Philippines itself is a total package of other influences from different colonizers who inhabited the country years ago. That’s why it’s a mix of Spanish- Asian-Polynesian influence and you couldn’t tell if I, you, or we are pure Filipinos because, in the first place, our ancestors have mixed bred of different ethnicities. You’ll learn these things in History class, of course.
Though you might be interested in my country and would like to include it in one of your go-to bucket lists, there lies the problem for most Filipino people — their toxicity and the red flags that they are carrying.
HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF SITUATIONS IN THE “TOXIC FILIPINO CULTURE” AND HOW IT IS SUBJECTIFIED AS A RED FLAG, EVEN IF IT IS CONSIDERED RIGHTEOUS AND MORALLY APPROPRIATE FOR MOST ELDERLY FILIPINOS.
The Eldest Siblings were born to be breadwinners
Kapag panganay ka, ikaw ang bubuhay sa pamilya mo para maibalik mo ang hirap ng mga magulang mo sayo (Trans: If you are the eldest, you are responsible in raising your family after getting a job so you could pay your parents back because that’s the least that they have done for you when you were still young.)
Even if they do have a choice, it has been considered a culture that whoever is the eldest son or daughter in the family is in charge of their finances once they have started earning from their work. But nowadays, it depends on one’s family’s set-up where the middle child or the youngest can still be considered as breadwinners. It all goes down to whoever has the highest salary or is more capable of providing for the family, who can be regarded as the breadwinner.
Given that the Philippines has one of the highest rates of poverty, inflation, and corruption, most laborers and professionals are not compensated well even if they have secured a place in a government position or a well-known company. Also, most Filipinos are either unemployed, contractual workers, or minimum-wage earners and need to receive the appropriate work benefits that the companies should implement according to the law. Due to circumstances, most parents weren’t prepared to build a family as a result of teenage pregnancy or lack of awareness when it comes to family planning. So the burden goes to their eldest children, who will carry all their parents’ responsibilities and treat them as their financial providers and retirement plans. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with helping or shouldering your family’s finances and responsibilities even if you want it voluntarily. Parents would be thankful to their children for having the initiative. It would only be considered a toxic Filipino culture if parents were forcing their kids to surrender all their hard-earned money from their jobs to them and would never appreciate their effort, nor would they let their kids enjoy the slightest bit of happiness in their lives.
Even if you did your best, they would still judge you.
Akala mo kung sino ‘tong naka-angat sa buhay por que nakapag abroad lang. Umaaktong mayaman at sosyal pero anak naman ng pokpok. (Trans: She shouldn’t be acting like she had got out of from poverty just because she was working overseas. She feels so entitled and acts as if she’s rich and famous but she is still the daughter’s stripper.)
If you have been living in the Philippines for quite a long time now, you would notice from the people around that Mariteses have spread like wildfire.
Marites
n. a term used for a person who judges people and their lives for pleasure.
Most Filipinos have this habit of talking about a person, his flaws, his unfortunate life, and the issues or problems that he is currently facing. Truthfully speaking, most of them are religious people who go to church every Sunday to ask God for blessings and abundance but judge people easily without even knowing the truth. Misinformation cannot be controlled, especially on social media where you can find all sorts of stuff and shits about other people’s lives. They make up stories about you and laugh about your failures because they are entertained by this kind of nature. Filipinos are also competitive, as they are afraid to accept defeat or failure. Some Filipino parents tend to compare you to other kids so you would be motivated to work harder even if you have achieved a wonderful milestone in your life because, to them, it is not enough that someone has done something greater than them. They would still brag about your cousin for getting into a high-paying company while you are still stuck here pursuing your passion that doesn’t make you rich.
The Filipino Family DRAMA
Nakakainis yang tita mo, kung kailan malapit na mamatay ang lola mo saka lang dadalaw para tanungin ang mana nya. (Trans: I hate your aunt, your grandma is about to die but she still had the guts to visit her to ask about her inheritance.)
You thought you’d heard this line from a certain movie but it does happen in reality. Your family isn’t as exciting as you think if you haven’t seen your relatives fighting over land titles, from your ancestor’s wealth, and who is the rightful heir. Filipinos are truly greedy when it comes to money. Their attitude changes when money is involved. They don’t even care about their loved ones who have passed away or are about to leave them in this world. Instead, they even have the guts to ask about their inheritance and how much would they be acquiring once their parents have sworn their last will testament. This is indeed a red flag.
The Favorite Child
Siya nalang pinagbibigyan ninyo. Paano naman ako? Kailangan ko din naman ng pagmamahal at attention ng mga magulang ko. Bakit kailangan ko pang magmakaawa? Bakit hindi niyo maibigay sa akin iyon. (Trans: You’re giving too much attention to your favorite child. What about me? I also need love and affection from my parents. Why do I need to beg for it? Why can’t you give that to me?)
As a Filipina who has been living in the Philippines since birth, this is entirely the worst case of Toxic Filipino Family Culture. It is traumatizing, depressing, and discriminating. For most parents who have two or more children, we cannot resist the urge to choose their favorite child. It happens even if you try to deny it. There would always be that one favorite child who gets all the nicest things in life, while his or her siblings are suffering emotionally due to stress brought about by the inappropriate way of parenting. Parents would even tell them that they don’t have a favorite son or daughter because they all love them equally but as you observe, you can see that one of them owns signature-branded clothes while the other one wears thrifted clothes that don’t even look good on his or her figure. Growing up, I have been dealing the same way. Although my parents would assure us that they don’t have their favorites. However, people have been observing that my siblings are getting the right amount of attention compared to me. The only thing that could stop this is within us, the new generation of soon-to-be parents and guardians.
Defending yourself to the elderly is considered disrespectful.
Pinapaliwanag ko lang naman iyong totoo pero bakit sinasabi ninyong sumasagot-sagot na ako sa matatanda? Wala na ba akong magsalita at depensahan yung sarili ko? (Trans: I am just explaining the truth but why does it seem that I am disrespecting the elderly. Don’t have I the right to speak up and defend myself?)
In the Philippines, it is said that it’s considered rude you defend yourself against those who are older than you and are telling malicious facts without having any concrete proof or evidence. What happened to the phrase “innocent until proven guilty”? What happened to your freedom of rights when you can’t even defend yourself in front of judgemental people? I think what’s lacking also is the proper way of communicating your feelings and how would you resolve the problem. This doesn’t only happen in communities; it happens within families. Children are forced to keep their mouths shut whenever their parents are reprimanding them without even knowing their side of the story. They judge you easily based on their perception that your behavior is inappropriate. An example of this is when your parents have seen you going out with a guy and concluded that you were dating that person but in reality, you were just hanging out and accompanying your gay friend. See how narrow the problem is, but they make it a big issue.
The amount of respect they show depends on the amount of money that you have.
Diyan ka nalang humingi sa pinsan mo kasi maraming pera ‘yan. Kasi kapag nawalan na yan ng kayamanan di mo na yan mapapakinabangan. (Trans: You should ask money from your cousin ’cause he earns a lot of money. Once he has lost his saving, we won’t be benefiting him anymore.)
It’s true. Most Filipinos are greedy when it comes to money. This is also in connection with the first toxic culture. They would only be kind to you if you are damn rich. But if you don’t, you are useless. They would forget you for all the things that you have done for them. All they ever think about is money and how to get rich through being a social climber.
So if you are dating a Filipino, well this applies to men the most, the parents would ask about your social status, your finances, your nature of work, your college degree, and where your family originated because of these matters to them. They don’t want to end up being poor, they would take the opportunity to use that as their way to escape from poverty. So don’t even bother to ask why most Filipinos are interested in foreign men/women because that’s what they have thought — that marrying a foreigner is the only way to get rich.
They don’t educate themselves about Mental Health.
Wala kang karapatang madepress kasi lahat tayo dito nahihirapan. Mas mahirap pa nga ginagawa ko kaysa sa iyo. (Trans: You don’t have the right to feel depressed because we are all suffering from pain. The amount of work that I have is much heavier and bigger compared to yours. )
I find it insulting if people would talk about mental health crises easily as if it’s just a common disease that can be treated easily. You may never understand their situation ’cause you are too narrow-minded. You don’t even put yourself in your shoes or research their condition. Just because you were born with a silver spoon doesn’t mean you are entitled to question other people’s suffering and downfalls. You will never understand them unless you have experienced feeling depressed or anxious.
Well, I think the generational gap, the lack of communication between family members, and the proper way of addressing issues are the reasons why such toxic behaviors are being accepted as a norm, and now being considered a culture since Filipinos are known to be respectful, kind-hearted, and down-to-earth to everyone. I hope our new generation of kids and soon-to-be parents will break the chain and start discussing and addressing these problems on the table with their families someday. In a world full of hatred, judgment, and cruelty, always choose to be kind.
