I am a woman. I have pressured, coerced, and guilted people into having sex.
I find the current conversation about consent troubling for several reasons. One of the reasons is that I can see myself on both sides of the story and I don’t much like it.
I have been pressured, coerced, and guilted into having sex. This should not happen.
The thing is, I’m a woman. I’ve also pressured, coerced, and guilted people into having sex. This should not happen.
It was like this…
We got home from a party. I was ready to get it on. He was tired and wanted to sleep. “Please….” I said, unzipping his pants…
Then, it was like this….
I was at my new boyfriend’s house. I suggested a quickie while a pizza was in the oven. He didn’t say no, but he didn’t show any interest. “We’re wasting time,” I said teasingly, “that we could use to give one another orgasms…”
And then, there was this….
I was in bed with my then-boyfriend at a friend’s house. He didn’t want to have sex there, it felt too weird to him. “Come on,” I said, “It’ll be fun. We’ll be very quiet…”
Am I a serial predator? I don’t feel like I am, but I’m not sure. All of these incidents happened with men I was in established sexual relationships with. Does that matter?
If a man made all the statements I’ve just made, what would we think of him? Would we label him a predator? Would he be beyond redemption?
If so, I am, too.
How many other women have done similar things? Without malice, without intent to harm, but because we’re sometimes dumb and selfish and don’t think?
I may get a slew of comments from women saying they have never done these things and never would, and that’s great. However, I’ve talked with a lot of men who have experienced this kind of coercion, and some of them are damn mad that it doesn’t seem to matter when they’re on the receiving end.
This is missing from the conversation, and that is a problem. Until we, as women, admit we don’t always stop when we hear no, then we can’t solve the #metoo problem.
