three years later, she still loves you
The title sounds cringe-worthy, right? HAHAHAHAHA I knew it. But let it just slide okay hihi :’). Move on? Sounds hard. The same goes for me; it took me years to realise that our so-called relationship was over. He was my world; sound overreacting, right? But he really is.
When I was fifteen, I encountered my first love, a boy of sixteen who changed my point of view of life. Growing up without a father figure, I had never experienced the kind of love and attention he gave me. Before meeting him, I wandered through life, holding my thoughts and feelings close, never daring to share my struggles with anyone. But he was different. His kindness made me feel safe, and for the first time, I found myself pouring out my heart to someone who genuinely cared. Our nightly phone calls became my sanctuary, his voice was a soothing balm to my weary soul.
Yet, as tender as our beginning was, the end came harshly. Without a single word, he vanished, leaving a chasm of silence in his wake. I was left hanging, begging for closure that seemed eternally out of reach. Months stretched into what felt like years, and it wasn’t until I turned seventeen that I finally received the closure I had longed for. But even during those years of silence, he found ways to haunt me (sangat takut ye). His messages, once filled with warmth, turned cold and hurtful, revealing a side of him I never knew existed.
In those quiet moments of reflection, the truth surfaced, shattering my already fragile heart. He had left me (?) for someone else, someone who had been there for him when he needed it most. The person who replaced me was unexpected – a teacher (mohon jangan freak out gais). It seemed surreal, almost absurd, that he could make such a choice. Crazy would be the suitable word to describe him. But in his eyes, she provided the comfort he sought. And I was left grappling with questions that tormented my soul. What about me? Was I not enough? I was ready to take any risk for him, to love him more than I loved myself. The pain of his abandonment was compounded by a deep sense of inadequacy, a haunting whisper that maybe I had failed him.
His words cut deep, and I was overwhelmed by the realization that he could inflict such pain. As I grew older, my thoughts remained entangled with memories of him. Not a day passed without his shadow crossing my mind. I questioned myself endlessly, wondering if I had been the cause of him leaving me. Could I have done something differently? Was there a flaw in me that drove him away? The self-doubt gnawed at my heart, leaving me in a perpetual state of reflection.
Time, however, has a way of providing perspective. As the months turned into years, I began to see the impact that relationship had on me. It taught me about the fragility of love and the importance of trust. It exposed me to the rawness of heartbreak and the necessity of self-worth. Despite the pain and confusion, I found gratitude in the lessons learned. I discovered that sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings, even at the risk of heartache, was a strength, not a weakness.
The journey of healing is NOT linear. There are days when the memories come flooding back, unbidden, and I find myself longing for the connection we once had. Despite the promise we made to stay apart, a part of me yearns for our paths to cross once more. I miss him deeply, and in my heart, I continue to pray for his well-being, hoping that life is kind to him, that he finds peace and happiness in all he does.
Looking back, I understand that people enter our lives with a purpose, and sometimes their departure is just as significant as their arrival. “Kita tak jemput dia datang, kita tak halau dia pergi”. It’s a part of the journey, a step in our personal growth. While he may still linger in my thoughts, I am learning to let go and move forward. My first love will always hold a special place in my heart, but I now realize I deserve someone who stays, someone who appreciates me for who I am. The memories of our time together, the lessons I learned, and the pain I endured have all contributed to the person I am today. And for that, I am grateful.
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Without giving too many hints, you guys probably know who this is. That’s okay, I guess. I’m okay je btw. Biasalah…. teringat HAHAHAHA. Pesanan khidmat masyarakat; jangan gatal bercinta masa belajar guys. Until next time! 💗
