Something to say

Dear Alice,

If I had something to say I would surely say it, say it again and again, but to say what to say I cant say it’s ok, surely it’s safer to just not.

I achieved a bare minumum today. Barely left my room. Three invitations out and a hell of a lot of things that I should be doing but, I couldnt bring myself to.

Awake and barely awake, in motion but barely moving. I shoudl plan out tomorrow in advance, list what I want to achieve and get on with it. With that whole ticking off comes a sense of achievement, with a good use of time comes a pride.

But being bothered seems to be my frontier at the moment, I keep asking myself what is teh point and coming up _____. Less than _____. I’ve had a headache all day, from too much sleep and neck ache all day from sleeping at some strange unknown angle, unbeknown to me as to why, you’d think teh body would have the wherewithall to reposition itself from pain even when asleep, but apparently not.

Did I tell you I’m in love? Not yet? Yet you should know. He knows, I told him so and recieved no reply. On the one hand it hurts, on the other at least I know he’s being honest and true to himself. That in itself is endearing, that in itself makes me love him more. He wouldn’t lie about something so important when so many would, including myself.

Every time I see his photographs on instagram my heart beats a little quicker, my pupils dilate. I am in awe of his existence, an existience in itslef so deep that I can’t even begin to comprehend him.

Alice I should tell you, theres no proofreading here, I dont read over these things and it is entirely on the spot. I’m not planning this out. I’m not rehearsing it.

I feel I shoudl tell you more about me, explore what makes me through it maybe help solidify my existance. I don't really see the point in this but you said write it out. You said it would help.

Where it starts.

Two parents, one diagnosed mentally ill through an accident. What she remembers I don’t know. I try noty to ask, although when we do discuss it she seems unphased. As far as I know she remembers the car, she remembers the crash, she remembers going back for her coat, she remembers the next car approaching and then she remembers waking up.

I can’t begin to imagine that. Even though I can see it in my minds eye. Happy birthday / you should be at youth club / this is the life / don’t blame the mother she let them out together, the youngest. I don’t know how grandad took it, but I don know from third parties he could be an angry man. I pray he didnt ever blame grandma for what happened. Afterall what is blame? There is a plan, there is control and for whatever reason what happened was meant to happen, indeed without it myself or my sister would probably never have happened.

I wouldnt be writing this. For what its worth.

Years later and she meets a man in a pub, they fall in love (these parts I guess) and after a while I arrive. Flown down in the beak of a stalk to possibly the most disorganised home one could find.

Without grandma I’m sure we’d have been put straight into care. I won’t wish my life away but it does make you wonder what you would have been, had things been different.

tbc…