Making a life change — Leap into the darkness and learn to soar
How is your life? Is it OK for most of the time? Do you live your dreams, on a studded path of ups and downs, following your heart?
Or did you wake up one day, to find that you have gone so far off track that not only are you lost, but you have been losing pieces of yourself along the way?
Pieces of your soul, breaking off, with each disappointment and each compromise, until you wonder who you were and if possibly, somewhere deep inside you, she still exists, and is waiting to be set free.
I found myself a year or so ago at the point where the pain of staying in my life and compromising myself, and of living with my dis-ease had become so great, that I was finally prepared to tell my husband that I loved him as a friend, but not as a partner, and that our relationship had irrevocably changed.
I stood in a pitch dark space, on the edge of a precipice. I could not see one inch in front of my face, only darkness. I knew that behind me was security, money, and a stable family life where I could exist in the middle class bubble of my pretension, whilst all the time dying inside. Or, I could take a breath, (to be honest, a bloody big breath) and leap, headlong into the unknown with nothing but the trust that on the other side of the pain I would have to go through, and even worse, cause my partner and children, that there was something better for all of us on the other side. An authentic life where I could find my sparkle, the spring in my step, my purpose. My path. A place where I would be free to follow my dreams and find myself again.
The struggle goes on. Had I known it would be this hard I’m not sure I would have had the courage. But there is no no other option. This is my only life. So precious. Each day to be cherished, not wasted wallowing in safe mediocrity. I want to grab it by the horns so that when I am an old nanna sitting in the sun room, I will chuckle to myself and know that I squeezed every inch of joy and living out of my days.
So I leaped into the dark and am falling, bashing on the cliff and bruised, but knowing that soon, I will soar.
- Do you feel lost?
- Do you sometimes look back and wonder where you began to lose your life path?
- Have you found that there is no one defining moment, but a mass of tiny decisions and compromises, so small and inconsequential which have built up over time, and now you wonder where ‘you’ are?
As humans, we are averse to pain. Generally we will do what we can to avoid it. This is why we often avoid change, and often why we run away from facing a challenge we feel is too great — because the pain of transformation will be too much, we retreat to the familiarity of old patterns or way of life.
- How do you feel about your day to day life?
- What decisions are you avoiding because they feel too difficult?
- Imagine the best possible future for yourself. What does it look like? How would you be?
- What would you need to change to get there?
- Is now the right time for you to start making those changes?
For me, the journey to make the change took at least 4 years. Be kind to yourself, but know that when you leap into the dark because your half-life is keeping you half-dead, you are stepping into your authentic self. There is no better way to live.