5 Of The Best Christmas Gift Ideas For People Who Hate Consumerism
December is upon us. ’Tis the season, and Christmas carols have just as much of a right to be in supermarkets as we do. But I’ll never forget the time I was driving to work one morning (back when I had a car, and a regular job) when the radio hosts giddily declared that ‘Christmas Penetration’ had officially hit 100%.
It was October.
For the uninitiated, Christmas Penetration (C.P.) is exactly as it sounds. It’s the ever-earlier creep of Christmas decorations, carols — everything and the festive sink — into our lives. It’s a polarising phenomenon, feeding the glee of Christmas revelers while the more grinch-like among us drag their feet around the supermarket with sour expressions slapped onto their faces. I can tolerate C.P. with one caveat — if I spy even a sparkle of tinsel before Halloween I’m not having a bar of it. I refuse to let the Best Holiday Of The Year (Halloween, obvs) be overshadowed by a man in a red suit and a fake beard.
The sanctity of Halloween aside, if the lead up to Christmas falls upon us earlier and earlier every year, there’s more time for us to be cajoled into feeling like we have to gift each other a whole lot of shit, most of which will end up in landfill. Treehuggers, like myself, are acutely aware of this and it makes us grumpy, to the point where a single syllable of Bublé out of season is enough to turn us incandescent with rage. And no, not like the fairy lights on a Christmas tree. How dare you.
But let’s level for a second. Yes, the planet will be burdened by Christmas gifting, certain species will be choked out of existence and future generations of humans might not have a place to live but there’s a much more pressing issue here. At Christmas time anti-consumerists are even more intolerant of gifts than usual, and I think we can all agree the real victims here are, therefore, the unfortunate people whose love language is gift-giving. Especially when, in a cruel twist of fate, your loved ones hate consumerism.
There must be a middle ground, primarily for the jilted gift-givers and, you know, maybe for the planet too. I could think of no worthier task to apply myself to than solving this situation, stat, so, without further ado, here are 5 of the best Christmas gift ideas for people who hate consumerism. Go forth and gift. Elon will have us on Mars soon anyway.
- Food
With the recent spike in cost of living, a piece of fresh fruit will be impossible for even the most gift-adverse to refuse. Throw in a kilo of rice, a boujee relish and maybe a packet of dukkah into the mix and their eyes might well up. Resist the urge to slip in a food-adjacent item though, as with a decent meal in their belly, their sense of fight will be renewed and any silicone bakeware, artistic salt and pepper shakers or novelty plates will be firmly bounced.
Before you go declaring food’s a cop out and demanding to know where I’ve hog-tied my Christmas spirit, you might be shook to learn oranges are as festive as Saint Nick itself. For many, an orange in the Christmas stocking is a merry tradition. The origins are murky but it may or may not be due to oranges being scarce back in the day, or as a representation of sacks of gold tossed down the chimney to a poor man in the grips of despair because he was too poor to be able to pay to marry off his three daughters (I never said I was happy about the connection).
2. Literally any plant
Plants, being close relatives of trees, are unlikely to trigger a treehugger’s allergy. Despite the fact you’ve bought it (but not wrapped it up — we all know what would happen if you made that mistake), where one might see frivolous, potted aesthetic, an earth-loving non-consumer sees fresh air, which, they’ll be the first to inform you, is devastatingly rare. If you’re lucky you might get the whole spiel, explaining how in 2022 a company called IQAir analyzed the air quality in 131 countries and found only 10% have air the World Health Organisation would declare to not be a health risk. Someone pass the peace lilies.
3. A tattoo voucher
If you’re not going to feel satisfied gifting your loved one an orange or a breath of fresh air, fear not. I’ve got you: tattoos. Getting illustrated isn’t a cheap activity so committing your loved one to go under the needle is going to fulfill your need to spend big. In a double warm fuzzy moment, you’ll be supporting an artist in their craft, which is pretty darn commendable in a world where the arts are constantly getting struck off curriculums. While perhaps best to leave the actual design and placement up to your loved one, you can delight in matching them to their perfect tattoo studio. And if you’re Auckland-based, I’ve done the hard work for you already.
4. Their favourite garment, mended
Conscious consumer aesthetics vary from linen and hemp everything and eclectic second-hand to wears-shoes-until-they-fall-off-their-feet. If your beloved stuff-repeller falls into the latter and wears their clothes into oblivion, do them a solid and take their cherished bits and pieces to a tailor or shoemaker to be mended. You can think of it as sponsoring them to continue living the good life, just make sure you have the mender match the materials — don’t be the guy that re-gifts a vegan their favourite jumper, now sporting a giant leather patch.
5. Pink-themed everything
Now this one’s a bit of a showstopper. Satisfying your need to make a grand gesture while solving a major problem your treehugger’s likely been losing sleep over, this is the ultimate Christmas gift idea for people who hate consumerism.
The release of the Barbie movie, and the ensuing wave of Barbiecore proved to be a critical hit, propelling even the most purist purpose-led shoppers to stores in pursuit of pink, and we’re not talking about the second-hand variety. It was a movie we all needed, but for many conscious consumers Barbie was also a one-way ticket to a pink-tinged existential crisis in the form of a wardrobe full of pink polyester they’d never normally wear.
That’s where you come in. By throwing a pink-themed party or, better still, making every social occasion for the rest of your lives pink-themed, you’re giving your crestfallen treehugger a hand out of the pink pickle they’ve found themselves in by virtue of creating as many opportunities to wear pink as possible — Barbara wouldn’t throw it away, and neither will they.
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