My Unconventional Definition of Self-Love
There’s a lot of misguided promotion for self-love out there, commonly in the form of a post along the lines of “you have to love yourself,” or “put on your own oxygen mask first,” in a whimsical font on a pastel-colored background. Just love myself! Why didn’t I think of that? Wow thanks, I’m cured.
Sometimes posts like these are even followed up with advice to take more bubble baths, get more massages, or have some tea when you feel stressed. Again, I wish it were that easy, but it’s not that simple.
Self-love is not a decision. It’s a practice.
Although physical self-care can contribute to feelings of self-love, it’s not just about bath bombs and manicures.
Love is a feeling, but it is one that is reflective of a repeated action: sacrifice of comfort for the sake of care.
Love, for others or self, is a practice of caring that manifests in your thoughts, words, and actions. It’s not automatic. It’s not a temporary feeling. It’s grown. It’s dynamic. It expands or diminishes with your thoughts, words, and actions.
Self-love grows when you display care for yourself over and over.
By my unconventional definition (sacrifice of comfort for the sake of care), self-love might look like:
- Choosing to cook a healthy meal when you feel like ordering take-out
- Going to the gym when you feel like staying home
- Choosing not to have drinks with your friends because you know you’ll feel shitty tomorrow, or
- If you push yourself hard all the time, taking a day off the gym or work when you need the mental or physical break
Self-love can be in the form of setting boundaries, like:
- Saying no to social obligations you’re expected to attend but don’t feel excited about
- Saying no to a project or other commitment because you’re too busy
- Turning your phone on airplane mode
Forgiveness, gratitude, and compassion are all examples of the purely mental aspect of self-love.
Self-love can even be sitting down and debating your own limiting beliefs, those mental scripts you have that you may not even hear, but are crucial in the formation of your identity.
Limiting beliefs usually start with, “I’m not somebody who…” “I can’t…” “I’m not good at…” “I’m too…” “I’m always…” Debating limiting beliefs involves looking for evidence to the contrary, seeing them from other angles, and in some cases, to look for solutions or develop a plan to change.
Self-help gurus like to spew “just love yourself” because it’s a quick and easy answer. It’s a short-cut. In the age where “hacking” is the latest and greatest self-improvement fad, of course it sounds attractive.
To me, making growth look attractive or simple has no value. I’m not here for your views, your claps, or your clicks. I’m just here with the truth.
And the truest thing about self-love is that there is no shortcut and it’s not easy. Like all relationships, it takes work and it takes time.
It is only when you apply the true definition of love to your self-care practice that you will reap the benefits: feeling more at peace, more connected to others, feelings of worthiness, higher creativity, lower stress, more productivity, better physical health, and so on.
Sometimes it sucks. That’s the sacrifice to get to the care. That’s how to love yourself.
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