I don’t know if we all experience this, or maybe it’s just the few unfortunate people that have to deal with this, but either way — I’m sorry.
You were the first person that I truly loved, and knowing that you loved me gave me power over you.
It was history class, wasn’t it? That’s where we started. Sitting exactly across the room from each other — just observing, in a way; being cautious yet thrilled. We grew together and allowed our circles to blend. Always hesitant and apprehensive when it came to our proximity though. Never allowing anything to happen.
Things changed, and I began to believe that you were nothing to me, and thus deleted you. I didn’t want to know of your existence anymore because the entire idea of love was terrifying to me. I couldn’t even love myself and now was almost expected to love someone else. I had to get away from you, but I couldn’t then and still can’t.
You have this strange hold on me, I don’t know why and I wish I could just forget you.
So my exclusion of you continues, until it doesn’t. I was completely obsessed with the idea of us, but I couldn’t let it grow — so you had to deal with the two versions of me.
- The version of me that let myself fall for you — the one that would text you until the early morning and share everything with you. All of my desires, fears, sadness; my entire being. I would let down my guard just for you and continue to lead you on this path of sensitivity and love.
- The version of me that was too scared to love you — the one that would avoid you in the halls, and would stop going to the places you liked, and tried to erase you from my mind. This is the version that you had to deal with the most and it wasn’t fair.
I won’t ever be able to let myself love you but I will never be able to erase you completely. You are one of the most vital parts of myself, and I can’t let that go. I don’t think anyone will understand how much I wish I could hate you, but I will never lose you completely. I will teeter on the edges of loving you and despising you.
We will be together fornever.