
In my first philosophy class at University, the professor started her discussion with the following statement, “Whenever two people meet, there are never ever just 2 people. With each person, there is the way that they perceive themselves, the way the other person perceives them and the way that they actually are”.
This statement has always stuck with me and I often find myself wondering about all the times that I’ve been involved in disputes and the different roles that I’ve played in order to carry on engagement in the dispute. Somehow, the very act of arguing seems to switch on an auto mechanism that we believe allows us to ‘protect’ our ideals, our beliefs or ourselves.
We often argue from the position of who and what we think we are, often forgetting the person in front of us is in exactly the same territory and there is no way that the distance or barrier that exists between people in an argument is ever going to be crossed. This is the point of “I am right, you’re wrong and you better sort yourself out.”
There is no better way to become more self-aware of individual role-playing dynamics than finding yourself in a dispute with a feisty little 6 year old boy. When it comes to being ‘the right one’ in a disagreement, young children do not have the capacity to balance all the possible outcomes of a situation. They have limited experiences which to use as a reference point and as such can’t relate the way that adults do.
As parents or people in a position of authority, it’s easy to use threatening conditionality to impose ones view. “If you don’t do this, then I am going to do this to you” is just one of the often used phrases to impose one’s will on another. This could work in a professional environment where the ‘subordinate’ is unhappy with a situation but conditions his response because of other factors (“I may get fired” or “I may miss my promotion”). In the case of my 6 year old, it is simply fight or flight. I see myself as (i) the parent who needs to make my point or (ii) the parent who needs to be seen in charge and who is in authority . In the frustration of the moment, I forgot the person that I actually am, that is a person who represents security, attention and affection — a role model or self-image builder in the mind of my child.
When I view myself just as the person who needs to be listened to, our little dispute doesn’t really get sorted and it generally escalates. What has always worked best for me is trying to understand what the boy sees and feels. If I put myself in his shoes, he doesn’t see the person who is trying to raise him to be a well-balanced individual. He just sees someone who twice his height, who’s upset and thinks that all hell is about to break out and that he needs to either defend himself or make a run for it. The first thing that I do is drop the height and crouch down and down to his height — my world has suddenly changed and since I don’t look so scary, he isn’t as threatened and we are able to engage in a proper dialogue.
The points that I make apply across the board. If you’re someone who likes or needs to use his position of ‘superiority’ to impose his right, there is no need to take any of this on board. If you like to argue, then in most cases, things will escalate, one way or another. We’re designed to want inner peace and harmony and yet at the same time, disputes are very much part of our daily lives.
If you find yourself arguing with someone on a constant basis, try and picture yourself through their eyes and see how they see you. Ask yourself how you communicate with them and if it is conducive to resolving your issues. If you really want to put an end to it, turn your attention away from wanting to be right or heard to ‘how am I hearing myself when I speak and how exactly am I being heard?”
As I recently heard at business start up exhibition, in the digital times that we live in, what’s as important now is how we present ourselves as providers of business and services. Gone are the days when buyers were passive. Consumers want to know more about the people they are conducting business with and what values they espouse. You hear the word ‘empathy’ more and more in meetings and if you truly want to practice empathy, it all starts with understanding who you really are.
Ali is a certified civil & commercial mediator and has run his own businesses for over 25 years. You can find out more about him on www.equimar.co.uk
