When my parents immigrated from Pakistan to Central Africa and then finally to Canada, the decision always seemed to be ‘what is next?’ or ‘what is better?’ Over the first 15 years of my life, I had a new house, new school, and new friends, almost every year. When I asked my parents why they constantly moved; they told me it was because it was always the best decision at the time. I was unable to relate.
When I graduated high school I was fortunate to have the option of choosing from many universities and programs I wanted. In university, I struggled with my career choices and what job I wanted to do. Finally when I graduated, I still only had a rough idea of what I wanted. I realized I was fortunate to have much more freedom to decide my future than my parents ever did, and I was unhappy.
You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don’t ever count on having both at once — Robert Heinlein
After speaking with a number of friends about this, I realized I was not alone. In fact many people that have had this good fortune of ‘choice’, are not very happy. They fear they have made a bad decision, or have wasted time being confused. When I spoke to my parents about this, they laughed and said, it’s because our generation has no idea what we want. They explained that all the decisions they made were not forced decisions, but based on a vision they had for their future. They said that vision came from deep introspection.
As I thought about what that meant, I realized self-reflection is an important tool that is not taught to us when we are young. It is almost the paradox of having so many choices, that we don’t spend time questioning our motives and goals. I have come to realize how important this tool is when we are younger, and I think it will help us be happier and more successful in our own paths as we grow.
Without deep reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people — Albert Einstein
Self-reflection is critical in helping us identify what we really want and clarifying the motives behind our actions. It is extremely important when we are young, as it helps us formulate a path, not only for our careers, but also for our life. It also helps us identify the person we are going to be, the people we will surround ourselves with, the work we are going to do, and the events that will be catalysts to our development. It helps answer many of the tough questions that keep coming up in life and if executed well, this form of introspection leads to growth, confidence and happiness.
First because I have seen peers in university and in the workforce experience a ‘passion burnout’. Statistics have shown more than 60% of people under 25 are not happy with their jobs. How can you be so unhappy when you worked so hard to get to where you are? These peers get to a point in their lives where they do just enough to get by.
I have witnessed it myself in ventures I have tried to start or internships I have upheld, but have lacked the passion for. My guess is that this type of burnout happens when we set a goal with little contemplation, and achieve it, or achieve parts of it. We think we want something because our friends want it, or because our parents suggested it, or because it comes with an external benefit like money. Once we get it or work hard trying to, the most we feel is content. Eventually we lose sight of the real goal, but more importantly, our passion and ambition take a toll. I have spoken with far too many older individuals who are only satisfied but not happy with aspects of their lives. Be it work, or relationships, or personal decisions. Actions that were made with little foresight and internal agreement and that have now led to irreversible situations.
The second reason this is a huge problem, is because I fundamentally believe the world loses out on what we could be. Yes, we lose as individuals, but looking at the larger picture, we deprive the world of our potential and by extension, our contributions. Imagine if Steve Jobs chose to be an employee of some corporate behemoth. Or Bill Gates completed his degree and became some manager of a national bank. And it’s not just about careers, it’s also about families and personal decisions that led individuals down a different path. That different path can affect and change the outcomes of the lives of many people.
Hell is really when the person you became meets the person you could have become — Anonymous
When I speak about this topic with my friends, many argue that they do examine themselves. They always make New Year’s resolutions, or think about life when things are not going well and they have washed down too many brews. That is not really effective self-reflection. That is forced daydreaming to an extent. Effective self-reflection involves constantly asking the question ‘why’ to get to the true purpose. It involves constant checks and balances, matched with a lot of goal setting in order for it to be successful.
Imagine a company that only reflected on its work on New Year’s, during major events, and before a terrible hangover. It would be doomed to fail! Companies are forced to reflect every quarter, but do so many times over internally. Teams have weekly meetings, managers do daily assessments, and some companies even set monthly goals. Why don’t we as individuals assess our work that much? Aren’t we accountable to ourselves to grow and succeed? How come we do it so rarely, and pretend like we are fine?
Part of the reason is because we have not been taught to do it well and do it often. I have written out some suggestions I have implemented and researched. The only caveat is that we must be consistent. We must try and self-reflect every so often, not just before a big decision. This way, as individuals I think we can be more fulfilled. I am also always open to hearing more tips and tricks.
How to Effectively Self-Reflect
1. Be specific. Figure out what you are reflecting on, whether it’s your career, your relationships, or a big move. Don’t try to think about everything all at once, it’s confusing and inefficient.
2. Find time for yourself regularly. Regularity in introspection is very important, as there will always be things to reflect about. Regular self-checks keep you agile and committed, making sure you don’t experience minor forms of ‘passion burnout’.
3. Ask yourself why, at least 5 times. There is a good theory about the 5 whys that works well for businesses. It involves constantly asking yourself why until you get to the root of the situation. An example could be “I want to be a doctor, why? Because I want to help people, why? Because I want others to see me as a good person, why?” etc.
4. Be aware of the dangers. Too much of a good thing can be harmful. If you spend too much time thinking about yourself, or frame your thoughts negatively, you run into an issue of potentially harming yourself. You should know when you are over thinking and when you are not asking yourself the right questions. Usually it is when you go over the same things a few times in your head without feeling you have progressed. Any question you ask yourself with a negative assumption can be hurtful if asked too many times.
5. Seek honest feedback. Find friends, family and mentors that can sit with you and tell you their honest thoughts about you. This is very important in school and much easier as well. After school you have to be proactive about it, but the lifelong rewards are too great to overlook.
6. Set short term goals. Three month goals are very important and easy to evaluate. Goal setting is a topic on its own, but each goal should be specific, with a measurable metric of success.
7. Question everything appropriately. Understand why things are the way they are and what you can do to change it. What we call peer pressure develops into societal pressure, and soon our decisions are made because we saw it through a media channel or were recommended it by a friend. Ask why that is, and try to make decisions that you internally agree with.
8. Follow through with your decisions. This is something many motivational speakers will touch on, because it is so powerful. Acting on your decisions gives you internal strength and confidence and makes you feel that your time reflecting was worthwhile.
9. Check your assumptions. You cannot have all the information to make a decision, and you have to trust something. This can lead to assumptions that are worth clarifying before you make a move.
10. Be grateful. It is good to count all the things that are great in your life. This helps you feel positive and keeps your passion alive.
Pass This on to the Younger Generation
Introspection is important for everyone, but especially important for those younger than us. At the age when you start thinking about the future, that is when you should start to self-reflect. Throughout high school, university, and beyond, I noticed very few peers actively doing it. Maybe this was because it was never taught to them, or maybe they never thought they had to.
Looking back, I think my parents spent far more time then I could see thinking about the next step. I think many immigrant families have had to do the same, even if it seemed like an obvious decision looking back. I believe that it took a tremendous amount of foresight, which was probably a result of thorough introspection.
In closing, we need to reflect on many things and if we do that successfully, we reach our potential. That means a happier career, a healthier relationship, or a better life. Self-reflection allows us to become what we are meant to be.
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